What a load of utter bollocks

And so the 'values' debate rumbles on in Australia. In a society that is largely at peace with itself it seems odd to me that the pollies are talking about it as if there are regular riots on the streets and the islamists are about to tear down the liberal institutions that make this country so 'great' and start raping all the women and stoning people to death for committing adultery.

Today when asked to define Australian values both the PM and Beazley nominated 'mateship' as one of them. Beazley actually went further than Howard and said that mateship is 'uniquely Australian.' Is he actually for real? Surely 'mateship' is one of the most common features of any society in any country in the world? I had loads of English friends in England - I called them 'mates', they called me 'mate'. Well fuck me, it seems that I was deluded the whole time and my friendships with them clearly had nothing on the friendships shared between people in Australia. What a load of absolute bollocks this is. It's good to have shared values but this is ridiculous - surely Australians should be over their identity crisis by now?

The Age blog has more.

Britney has a boy!

As I am sure you are all aware, Britney has had a baby boy.

All I could think about was how that once wonderful midrift of hers must be now destroyed by her selfish maternal instincts. I met a cat a few months ago who was once used for breeding and she had a very floppy belly which hung down and brushed along the floor whenever she walked anywhere. I then had the nightmare vision of Britney being afflicted with the same disfigurement. But then I realised in celebrity land they have plastic surgeons who remove all signs of pregnancy from their bodies.

Hurrah for plastic surgery!

Bored...

God, I have been very poor with my blogging lately haven't I? I think it's because I am so monumentally bored during the day that my enthusiasm for anything is disappearing more and more as each day passes.

Boredom is one of the most frustrating of all emotions. Your whole day turns into a pursuit of ANYTHING to do but because you are so unstimulated it actually reduces your motivation to do anything. The crushing thing is that this will last for about another 10 months before I can do anything about it.

Advice kids - Debt. It's not big (well actually, it's fucking ginormous in my case) and it's not clever.

Labor's woeful policies

Despite announcing a few policies this year that I championed, it is clear to me that the Labor Party stands as much chance of winning next year's federal election as I do of skipping back in time and assassinating Kevin Ferderline before he boned Britney.

The latest pledge from Labor is so poor, so populist and so badly thought out it should be an embarrassment to all those who thought of it. They propose that all visitors into Australia be made to sign a declaration in which they declare respect for Australian 'values' such as mateship, equal rights for women and the rule of law.

I have a problem with this policy for various reasons:

1) It won't stop terrorism. As if an Al Quedia operative, on his way to blow up the Opera House, is going to sign this statement at customs and then suddenly be full of love and respect for the Australian way of life - so much so that he abandons his plan to murder them.

2) It increases the 'us' and 'them' divide. It insinuates that foreigners don't and can't respect another country's laws and traditions when they visit them.

3) Will Labor politicians be willing to sign a similar declaration if they visited say, Saudi Arabia? I sure as hell wouldn't.

Everyone, yes even those dirty foreigners, knows that when you go to another country you shouldn't break the laws of that country. Is there any evidence to suggest that tourists coming into Australia are running around abusing women? Trying to inject Islam into Schools? Trying to destroy 'mateship'?

It's an absolute loads of bollocks. I am all for a greater emphasis on citizenship and a greater focus on the values and morals that bind us together as a society. But this pledge of Labor's is nothing but meaningless symbolism. If this is the best they have, they may as well give up now. Howard must be pissing himself.

Blair's forced exit

I remember walking down Whitehall on the morning of May 2nd 1997, it was a windy but sunny day and there was a feeling of joy and liberation in the air. Finally, finally, we'd got rid of those bastards and someone with compassion, with understanding, with decency, with integrity was about to move into Number 10. Even Tory voters didn't seem that bothered that the party they had been voting for in the last 20 years had been defeated. I strolled down to the gates of Downing Street and waved Tony Blair into his new home. Genuinely elated.

2001, Tony delivered again. Another landslide majority. Another thumping mandate from the British public for the Labour Party.

2005, a lot closer but still a 66 majority.

Blair is, by far, the most electorally successful Labour prime minister of all time. His parliamentary majorities in 1997 and 2001 were bigger than anything Thatcher ever achieved even when Labour were writing the 'longest suicide note in history' back in 1983.

For these reasons it seems perverse to me that his own party is now moving against him. Yesterday, junior minister Tom Watson and 7 parliamentary private Secretaries resigned and have forced Blair to prepare a timetable for his departure, which he announce later today. This is madness. Blair said before the last election that he would go during this term of office, everyone has understood that he will step down next year. Why was there a need to turn this seemingly orderly process into a bloodbath? Voters don't like divided, navel gazing parties. The PPSs that have resigned say that they fear a catastrophic result for Labour in next May's local elections if Blair doesn't go soon. But do they honestly think that the average voter will care? Seems to me that the real issues people will care about will be health, crime, education, immigration and the economy. They will know that Blair intended to go next year and will now punish the party for being too obsessed with itself and not concentrating enough on administering government policies.

I understand the calls for renewal, I understand the twitchiness of those MPs in marginal constituencies but this infighting was completely unnecessary. Those MPs who were elected in 2001, and who signed the letter asking Blair to go, should remember who put them there in the first place.

I've previously said Mr Blair's time is up and I think it is. But after all he has done for the party he should have been allowed a 'dignified' exit. The only people who will benefit from this are the Tories.

Spring is in the air!

It's the first of September today - hurrah! The Winter months are over for us down here in the Southern Hemisphere. It is 23c and sunny in Melbourne today. To put this in perspective for my English readers, this is the equivalent of it being 23c on March 1st in the UK. NEVER. GONNA. HAPPEN.

Melburnians take this all in their stride though and many can still be seen walking the streets wrapped up in big coats and woolly jumpers. Bloody Australians don't get excited until it hits at least 35c. Melburnians sure do enjoy the first warm day of the year post winter but you don't see the hysteria you do in the UK when the thermometer finally smashes through the 19c mark in late April. I guess it's because they know that they have about 8 months of this in store, whereas in the UK it might only last for an absolute maximum of 8 weeks.

Fuck me, I am talking about the weather.

I've been here for nearly two years now.

Could I be more English?

*races off to find nearest pub with people drinking on pavement and looks forward to some early summer sunburn*

Speeding

I got my first ever speeding fine through the post the other day. Now, I'm not going to go off on some wank Jeremy Clarkson 'I'm a selfish, ignorant, boorish twat who thinks I can do anything I like and fuck the rest of the world' rant. Nope. I was caught doing 109kph in a 100kph. Fair cop gov. You got me. I'll pay the $135. I have no complaints, if I hadn't have sped then I wouldn't be getting fined. Simple as that.

One thing that did make me laugh though was the wife. About 30mins after we left the stretch of road on which I was speeding she mentioned that she saw I was speeding for quite a long stretch of the road. I knew I was going about 10kph over the limit but because it was a highway and because everyone else was doing it I wasn't concerned and I never once thought there would be speed cameras on the road considering how detached it was from a residential setting.

Then when the fine landed in our postbox the other day, the wife says to me that the stretch of road I was speeding on is notorious for the amount of speed cameras it has. Gee thanks, Wifey. Why couldn't you have told me this whilst I was actually going 9kph over the speed limit? Pffft.

Bugger, I have turned into Jeremy Cuntson - I'm blaming other people for my mistakes. Still, at least I'm not a fat cunt. Yet.

Bang My Ass.com

I always look at my Stat Counter with a feeling of disappointment at my low readership numbers but also with happiness that at least one person other than the wife is looking at my ramblings.

Anyway, I checked out today from which sites my readers are coming from. I was amused to see the following URL in the list of sites from which people had clicked through to Well, Clearly.

www.google.at/search?hl=de&q=bangmyass&meta=

Mmm...that sounds interesting I thought. I have had an Austrian visitor and they found the site by searching for the term 'bangmyass' on Google Austria. And indeed if you click the link above you'll see little old me 5th down on the list. I can't help but feel that the searcher was maybe a tad disappointed when he clicked on the link and instead of gaping assholes he saw a rant about the Labour Party. hee hee.

Dance music not quite dead yet.

The Guardian's pretentious 'Rock Critic' Alex Petridis wrote a notorious column in 2003 in which he proclaimed that dance music was dying and 'as a youth cult, dance music seems to be in terminal decline. And it has no one to blame but itself.'

Alex was himself a clubber once, and like a lot of people who drift away from clubbing he likes to mock and denigrate the scene that he once held so dear. You know the types and the cliched sayings they come out with: 'It's not as good as it used to be' or 'It's too commercial these days' or 'The music was much better in my day'. Of course, the reality is that the scene is still producing great music and great parties and hundreds of thousands of people are dancing to repetitive beats across the globe, all having a fantastic time.

When you become a jaded clubber due to health reasons, getting too old to cope with Mondays or simply turning into a miserable bastard the easiest way to cope with this loss of hedonistic libido is to blame the scene rather than look at yourself. Once the jadedness sets in, it becomes fashionable to look at everything through a pair of cynic sunglasses (not oversized mind you, you'd look too much like a clubber at Space then) and suddenly it's cooler to sneer than to celebrate.

Anyway, there have been a few articles in the English press that show that Mr Petridis may have been speaking utter bollocks all along. I could never have predicted it personally. I mean surely one man's descent into cynicism provides the ultimate clear headed analysis of the current state of club culture?

Raves are apparently on their way back in the UK and Ibiza is experiencing its busiest season for years. The Observer states that:

A resurgence in the popularity of dance music and the rave culture that has seen nearly all of Ibiza's superclubs, such as Space and Pacha, break records for visitor numbers seems certain to continue for the rest of the summer.

Alex writes in today's Guardian about the sudden increase of illegal raves and Alex, being Alex, puts this down to young people's desire to break away from the corporatist mainstream where every festival is sponsored by a mobile phone company or brewery.

What Alex neglects to mention in his article is that this new movement actually seems to quite enjoy dance music as well. The 'Yoof' seem to be back onboard the good ship Bosh. Well I never. It also appears that increasing numbers of people are willing to fly to Ibiza and spend £30 to get into a club, spent £100's on drinks just to listen to those old, haggered superstar DJs, whom Alex disparaged so much in his 2003 column.

I expect a 'Indie is dead, dance music is the new cool' column in a few weeks Alex. I won't hold my breath though.

Britney Belching

Britney's reputation takes yet another blow as a home video of her has been placed on the web and viewed by millions. The video clip was taken by fuckwit hubbie, Kevin and shows Britney tucking into a feast of chicken and chips, continuously belching whilst she rambles incoherently.

She claims that people have already invented a way of traveling through time just like in Back to the Future. Oh Britney, if only they had invented it and shared it with you. You could then travel back to three years ago and stop yourself shacking up with that parasite Kevin. Maybe you could reverse your decision to break if off from Justin Timberlake, after all you were fit then and Justin would never film you belching would he? If I find out about anyone who has invented a time travelling device I promise I'll point them your way immediately. Think of it as a present from me to you...

Maried Bliss

A good piece from Caitlin Moran in today's Times..

There’s a new book in town that’s getting everyone riled: Guy Thomas Blews’s Marriage & How to Avoid It, which stakes out a bold arena for combat. In a nutshell, Blews’s claim is that a happy marriage is impossible. This is, he asserts, because human beings in general — but, really, when you come down to it, mainly men, grrr, the tigers — are incapable of lifelong relationships. They are compelled, at some point, to voyage out of the stifling environs of the wedding vows and bang that chick in marketing.

The tragedy for both Blews and his argument — which is as old as the hills, and about as sprightly — is that he is such an obviously damaged individual. Those opposing his claims have simply pointed out how uniquely unqualified he is to comment on marriage, rather than attack his actual argument head-on. Really, Blews has had the kind of life that would make anyone eschew the engagement-ring tray at Elizabeth Duke. His parents were locked in a loveless marriage, which he was able to observe only during the summer holidays from his boarding school. Subsequently, when Blews attained his majority, his first lover became so agonised in the final stages of her multiple sclerosis that she blew her head off with a shotgun. In any other age, Blews would probably have abandoned any further attempt at trying to deal with human relationships. He would simply have become a sad-eyed and slightly bitter monk, tending a vat of hyssop liqueur and kicking the priory’s chickens out of the way.

However, in the 21st century, the coping mechanism of the troubled middle classes is slightly different: they come up with a theory about how awful people are and then get a publishing deal. And, so, here we are with Marriage & How To Avoid It, which some cultural commentators (primarily the men’s magazines Nuts and Zoo, albeit that their commentary consists predominantly of “phwoar!”), have hailed as a great truth.

Of course, the concept that a man simply cannot be satisfied with a mere, single woman is ancient. The Greeks thought that men couldn’t be satisfied with women, full stop, and that they would have to flee into the bed of another man to have a decent relationship. The idea of homosexuality as a solution isn’t, oddly and sadly, much touted in modern society, but the theory behind it — that men must roam from the home — is still the same. It’s an idea that is always announced a little proudly. Men’s “natural physical urges” are “so strong” that they “cannot control themselves”. Men, of course, wouldn’t look proud of a single other “natural physical urge” “so strong” that they “cannot control” it — such as soiling their pants, or succumbing to sleep at the wheel of the car and being smashed to death under a lorry. Such a theory also ignores that if it’s by and large a “natural urge” for men to be unfaithful, then it’s also by and large a “natural urge” for their wives and children to wish them to be not unfaithful.

Men may very well be more prone to unfaithfulness. But then, women are more prone to investing too much in a relationship and subsequently becoming resentful and boorish. Both traits are equally likely to break up a marriage. But no one is advocating that women’s neediness is also a “natural urge” that can’t be controlled. Indeed, women tend to acknowledge their weaknesses, and subsequently buy tedious self-help books on the subject by the dozen. Interestingly, the self-help section in my local bookshop carries no books about curing infidelity aimed at men. This is, presumably, because the kind of men who buy into this theory of monogamy being impossible would rather exhaust themselves in persuading a sceptical humanity that their vices are irrevocable “natural urges” rather than simply to try to become better human beings.

While luck and synchronicity do play a part in it, the simple truth is that a happy, lifelong marriage tends to be the result of sheer hard work on both sides. Blews is a good-looking, charming man in his mid-thirties who is unlikely to see the value in a deal that involves selflessness, biting your tongue, minding your manners, repeatedly rejecting the heady thrill of a flirtation, and remembering to never, ever talk during a rerun of Moonlighting — not when he could be banging the chick from marketing, anyway.

But surely, at some point, he must ponder what the results of his theory will be. For myself, I can think of few things more aspirational than an old couple holding hands. That speaks of a lifetime of jokes, shags, winks, kids, secretly slagging off the neighbours, 52 Christmas trees, and crying with laughter at a some terrible new haircut.

Blews’s touted alternative, by comparison, does not seem like anything to wish for. For while society might still have a sneaking regard for the rampant stag, ultimately it dislikes a weak, priapic, sybaritic old goat in a Bath chair.

Coke is for losers

Paul MacInnes of the Guardian, writes that Cocaine is losing its status as the 'cool' drug to take as the lead singer from the seriously uncool band, Keane, has checked into rehab due an addiction.

I've become more and more anti-cocaine as the years have gone by. There is not a single person who becomes a nicer, more interesting person on it than off it and it has caused more medical problems to friends of mine than any other drug ( and this despite it being taken in lower quantities than the other drugs). Ecstasy can increase your confidence, it inspires squishy niceness and empathy. LSD can expand your mind (apparently). Ketamine turns you into a child. Dope makes you eat lots of cookies. Coke turns you into a cunt. Nuff said.

Keep the UK secular!

I read with utter dismay that Ruth Kelly, the UK Government's 'Community Minister', is requesting that a new government appointed commission consider a request from Muslim leaders in the UK that Muslim festivals become bank holidays.

Only three of the UK's current bank holidays fall on religious days - Christmas Day, Good Friday and Easter Monday. The rest are secular days.

One of the reasons, I believe, that the UK has such an integration problem between it's disparate groups of people is that the creed of multiculturalism has always been placed higher than an emphasis on shared and common values. This has led to race and religious ghettos springing up across the country from Bradford to Leicester. We need to break down divisions between groups NOT increase the divides. If Muslims are allowed to take off their religious festivals as bank holidays what is to stop Jewish people doing the same or Hindus or Siks or Buddhists? It would be chaos and would further increase the 'us and them' culture. Britain needs LESS religious segregation not more. If Muslims, or any other religious group, want to have days off for religious festivals then they can use their annual leave.

The UK is a secular country which has its traditions in Christianity. It is as simple as that. If any more bank holidays are introduced they should be secular in nature and capable of uniting the whole country - they should not be introduced by the Government as a sop to the Muslim community because the government is worried about them being pissed off.

If people want Sharia Law and days off for religious festivals maybe they would be better off moving to countries where these practices exist. They have no place in secular Britain.

Labour drops to 19 year low

The Guardian today has the (not so?) shocking news that Labour's support in the latest ICM opinion poll stands at a 19 year low of 31%. The Tories, meanwhile, have risen to the magic mark of 40% and it now looks like the election in 2009 will be a very close affair.

The reason for this fall in support appears to be down to UK foreign policy. Only 1% of respondents thought that the government's foreign policy had made the country safer. That is a damning indictment of the policies that Blair and New Labour have been advocating over the past 5 years.

Even though I have not been living in the UK for two years I remain a loyal Labourite. I am opposed to most of Blair's foreign policy agenda but I think domestically they have done pretty much what they said they would - they have reduced poverty, introduced a minimum wage, increased democracy in the UK via devolution to Wales & Scotland, achieved a peace (of sorts) in Northern Ireland, reduced crime, introduced civil unions, increased spending for the NHS and education and seem to be sorting out public transport. That is a record to be proud of in my opinion, the tragedy for Blair is that his term in office will be defined by the utter mess in Iraq and his slavish devotion to George W Bush - his legacy will be one of reckless foreign adventures and an increasing terror threat to the UK.

We should not change our foreign policy because the risk of terrorist attacks has increased - that would be ridiculous, the UK cannot be blackmailed by a tiny extremist minority. But we should change our foreign policy because it is wrong, immoral and deeply damages the UK's national interest. It's time to change course Mr Blair.

Party Poopers

The party poopers are out in force today on The Guardian...

Charlie Brooker laments the very concept of parties whilst Jeremy Langmead bemoans 40 something drug takers.

Funny reading from both.

Hero & Villian

Hero of the day award goes to Judith Troeth, whose courageous decision to vote against the government's proposed migration amendments has meant that John Howard withdrew the bill from the senate rather than watch it be defeated. Hurrah for Judith - nice to see that there are still conservative MPs out there with integrity, decency and compassion. The Age has an interview with her here

Villian of the day goes to Don Randall who disgracefully linked the migration amendment bill with terrorism. He said:

The majority of Australians want tough border security. When you see what happened in the UK over the last week, it sends a very strong message to those pandering to the minorities in the Australian electorate.

Don't let the facts get the way of your argument Don! The alleged terrorists in the UK are all UK born and all have UK citizenship - they didn't arrive in the UK as 'boat people' fleeing persecution. No one is suggesting that the borders be open but people who are, genuinely, fleeing persecution do have the right to make applications for asylum and do have the right to appeal against any decision made - that's a fundamental right of anyone in a supposed liberal democracy. Sure, they are stay in Australia during the appeal process, but I don't think they are going to do much harm whilst locked up in detention are they? I hope the Australian people don't fall for his despicable scaremongering.

Round Up

So, I've suffered from bloggers block again it appears! But there have been some interesting things that have gone on over the past few days. Some worthy of a 'Yay' for sure!

If you are a sad bastard like me with an interest in US politics, and you are of the liberal left anti-war section of society, then you'll be very pleased to know that Democrat warmonger Joe Lieberman has been defeated in his primary which was held in Connecticut yesterday. Hurrah! Read more here

My hero of the day award (which I am going to start today) goes to multiple winners: Liberal MPs Petro Georgiou, Judi Moylan, Russell Broadbent, Bruce Baird and Judith Troeth - all of whom are courageously standing up to the government over its outrageous new asylum laws which have been bought in to appease Indonesia. Let's hope they all have courage of their convictions and follow through on their threats to cross the floor in the upcoming vote.

Johann Harri, of London's Independent, has written a superb column on why the British Right hates the UK so much. I've been meaning to write a blog on exactly this for a while but never got round to it. So, now Johann has done it I can be lazy and point you here to read it!

A big boo goes to Telstra for pulling out of their plan to build a super fast broadband network in Australia. But then again, what do I care? I have ADSL2+ anyway. The only people who are going to miss out are those living in the bush and quite frankly fuck em! If you decide to live in the middle of nowhere then you really shouldn't expect to receive super fast broadband. End of.

Oh, and Melanie Phillips replied to my email with a very curt 'Thank you for your comments, Melanie'. Thanks Mel! :)

Ecstasy

Rarely, if ever, is the drugs issue in the UK (or Australia) debated sensibly without misinformation, scare tactics and prejudice. But sanity does appear to be emerging in the drugs debate in the UK - a parliamentary committee there has been looking at the way that the UK classifies drugs and has found, surprise surprise, that the categories are based more on policy than on hard empirical science. You have the ludicrous situation in the UK where Ecstasy and Mushrooms are in the same class as Heroin and Cocaine. This simply makes a mockery of the whole system as it simply does not have any credibility.

The committee of MPs asked a panel of scientists, psychologists and experts to put drugs (including alcohol and tobacco) in order according to their real harm. Heroin and Cocaine came out at the top, as expected, but probably the biggest 'surprise' was that ecstasy was classified as the third least harmful drug - way behind tobacco and alcohol. Of course, those of us in the real world have known this for some time and have long argued that ecstasy should be downgraded, hell even David Cameron has floated the idea of downgrading it (no doubt because he used to take it in his wild days).
















I welcome this new approach to drug classification but remain extremely sceptical about it being implemented by the Home Secretary, John Reid. After all, governments of all colours have never allowed facts to get in the way of drugs policy so why will anything change now? Ecstasy will remain a class A drug alongside Heroin and people whom the government targets anti-drug campaigns at will continue to laugh at the ludicrous drug laws that exist.

Australia

PS - Please do not mistrue my comments in my email to Melanie Philips as being some kind of anti-Australian rant. They aren't. I love Australia and I love Melbourne - I was merely trying to tell Ms Philips that Australia is not the land of milk and honey like she thinks it is. It has its own problems just like any country does...

Mad Mel loves Howard

Mad Mel from the Daily Mail has penned a lovely tribute to John Howard in her column this week. I felt strangely compelled to write to her to take her to task over the outrageously one sided argument she presents. Here is her column and below is my email...

Melanie,

You write in your Daily Mail column that Mr Howard, the PM of Australia, is a phenomenally successful PM. He has been PM of Australia for 10 years, Tony Blair will be PM of the UK for 10 years next year – will you be writing a similarly congratulatory and fawning column about his success come May 1^st next year? No, thought not.

What you neglect to mention in your column is how utterly inept the opposition is here in Australia, how Howard only won by the skin of his teeth in 2001 (due to the ‘Tampa’ incident.) You don’t mention how people have been locked up for EIGHT years in detention centres waiting for their claims to be processed, how the poor of Australia now subsidise the lifestyle choices of the middle classes, how aboriginals have a life expectancy of some TWENTY years below that of white Australians, how Australia has interest rates of 3% above the UK, how rich students in Australia are allowed to gain entry into courses with entry marks LOWER than other students. You didn’t mention any of this – why should you, it doesn’t fit into your ludicrously one sided perspective on the topic? Sure, Mr Howard has been extremely successful electorally, but as someone who is always banging on about morals you should realise that his electoral successes have come on the back of an alarming lack of morality, compassion and empathy. Australia does have a strong community spirit and is confident in it’s own identity (most of the time) and these things do contribute towards a more stable society (as does it’s more egalitarian make up) but Mr Howard is trying to destroy the very society he wishes existed by ramming through divisive new labour market laws – which has meant that Australia now has a less regulated labour market than the US! Rampant individualism is growing here and is replacing the bonding and ‘mateship’ that has made Australia into a peaceful, functioning society. When Howard’s generation grow up then expect Australia to quickly slide as happened in the UK when Thatcher’s ‘me first’ generation became the dominant force in society.

You talk about Mr Howard being against welfare but he has actually MASSIVELY increased the welfare state in Australia by extending it to the middle classes – the welfare state is now not just a safety net for those at the bottom but a payment system in which payments go to people & families in Australia that conform to his ideal of a ‘good’ lifestyle. My tax money goes to people who don’t need it just so they can send their children to private school. That’s the problem with conservatives – they say they don’t believe in nanny governments, but they clearly do. If the government is funding lifestyle choices they approve of then they are all for it. Give money to the feckless poor though and it’s a different matter. It’s the same all over the world.

As an aside, do you ever get tired of being so angry? The world really isn’t that bad Mel. Enjoy it J

Shaun

Big Brother comes to an end...

Quelle Surprise! Mediocrity wins the day again as last night Jamie won Big Brother 2006. In a surprisingly close race he beat Camilla by 6% to take the title for this year. I was always doubtful that a strong, opinionated woman like Camilla could win BB and I was proven right - the Big Brother's producer's decision to reunite Jamie with his in house love, Katie, before he exited the house no doubt helped him secure the victory (before that slushy moment happened him and Camilla were running at 50% each). Why are the two remaining housemates allowed to meet people from the outside until they both exit the house after the winner has been announced? Isn't that, like, the point of BB? Last night's show was absolutely awful - two hours of cringe inducing shite and the show gave Jamie a blatant push in the voting, disgraceful.

This has been a very disappointing Big Brother year for me. It's clear than Channel 10 are now simply using it as nothing less than a cynical tool with which to make a fuck load of money. I have no problem with the premium rate SMS costs, no problem with them charging people to spend $1 a time to phone up their premium rate phone line, no problem with charging people to access the 'premium' services on the BB website. What I do have a problem with is the outrageous use of the show to try and flog products that are sold by their sponsors - the integration of '3' phones into a few features of the show was blatant (such as getting Jamie to try out the new Eye Camera thingy around the house *plug!*), the pathetic 'surprise' appearance of the Rogue Traders performing in the BB backgarden was clearly a stunt dreamed up by the Rogue Trader's PR company to increase publicity for their latest piece of musical dirge. Do Channel 10 think their audience is really that stupid not to see through all of this?

Channel 10 also introduced gimmicks a plenty into this year's series. 'The Insider' idea was moderately appealing but others were simply awful. Top of the list has to be BB's decision to let the housemates' Mums go into the house a few days ago whilst the housemates were locked in the diary room. They exited to find their mums had made their beds, left them food and bought new clothes with them. What???? The point of BB is that the housemates are kept away from the outside world AND their friends and families.

Obviously, Channel 10 are introducing all of these gimmicks (and there were plenty more that I can't be bothered to go in to) as they want to keep the program 'interesting'. Well, I've got some advice for Channel 10 - instead of all these tacky gimmicks why not just choose some INTERESTING house mates? Of different outlooks, ages and backgrounds - rather than just 10 18-21 white, middle class girls and boys with a token gay guy and a token older woman thrown in for good measure. I won't hold my breath though - expect more identikit housemates next year and more cynical attempts to use the show as nothing more than a PR tool for corporations to flog their products/crap music.

Will I still watch? Of course I will. Expect a similar moan this time in 2007.

Until next year.

Paris in IBIZA

Paris Hilton was spotted at Space, Ibiza last week for Carl Cox's Tuesday shindig. If she was avin' it to Mr Cox then she's gone up in my estimations. I doubt she even knows who Carl Cox is though and probably spent her time ligging around the VIP area. I haven'tseen any pictures to confirm it either way but I can't imagine her front centre, all sweaty and having a bosh to some techno...Can you?

Hurrah! Goodbye David...

My faith in the Australian public and general humanity was given a massive boost last night when David was booted out of the Big Brother house. I was beginning to think that he may win the whole bloody thing as people would warm to his pathetic emotional bluster and his 'sincerity' and 'integrity'. I didn't buy it for a second and instead saw a completely emotionally retarded individual who was utterly incapable of communicating with groups of human beings, patronised people on a regular basis and was earnest to the bitter end. He did have some good qualities of course and I'm pleased for him that his coming out experience on TV went well and that he now feels accepted by the Australian public.

So, we're left with Camilla & Jamie for tonight's final. It really is a matter of choosing the lesser fuckwit of the two. I've not really warmed to anyone on this series of BB and there hasn't been a Vesna like character who has really made me want to back them to win. I'll be voting for Camilla tonight though, I think it would be good for a strong, opinionated person to win for a change rather than just a nice, boy next door type like Jamie. I don't think the public really likes bolshy women like Camilla so I'll be amazed if she pulls it off...More tomorrow.

Howard stays on

In the most predictable news story to emerge since the announcement that there were no WMD in Iraq, John Howard has announced that he will stay on and fight the next election. Peter Costello has also announced that he is staying on as Treasurer but when asked what he thought of the PM's decision to stay on he tellingly replied, "It doesn'’t matter how I feel. That's the outcome." I think it's pretty safe to say that Costello is feeling as sick as a parrot!

Anyway, even though I don't like Howard I think he was right to stay on - it's clear that he has massive support still in the Liberal Party and more importantly, in Australia. There is no doubt in my mind, that baring a major economic downturn, Howard will romp to victory next Autumn and another three years of Liberal government will be secured. Why risk that and try out Costello? There's no way that Blair would be going in the UK if he enjoyed Howard's level of support. The saying is that all political careers end in failure, is John Howard destined to become the exception to this rule?

The banana shortage in the People's Republic of Australia continues. The Australian has more....

Election Day?

It appears that the traditional election night fest that occurs at the end of a British general election may be under threat - this is because of proposed changes to how postal votes are counted and verified. If the changes are enacted then the results will be announced in the afternoon after election day was held.

A massive big BOO to this I say!!! The Guardian's editoral today explains why it would be a shame to change this tradition...

Reasons to vote Labor

I can't vote in next years federal election (as I won't be a citizen by then) however, if I did have that privilege then Labor would have just given me the first reason I've seen thus far to vote for them (other than hating Howard/Liberal Party of course).

The current system of full fee paying students being able to get into university courses with marks lower than Govt supported students is a disgrace and an anathema in a supposed merit based society. Labor is absolutely right in it's proposal to abolish these places and right to pledge to make up the funding gap. Maybe they could use the $112 million pledged by the Govt to subsidise anti-porn filters as start...

Subsidising the rich

The true Tory party agenda, to make rich people richer, is being suppressed by David Cameron who wants to portray his party as a movement in the mold of Continental European Christian Democrats. The problem with this, as I have mentioned before, is that the true beliefs of his 'comrades' keep coming to the fore. The latest is a ridiculous proposal from the Bow Group to replace council tax, inheritance tax, capital gains tax and the TV license fee with a single flat rate tax equivalent to 1% of the value of the payer's home.

Ross Clark superbly pulls apart this proposal in today's Times. Spot on, Ross.

Here in Australia we've seen a rightwing government introduce scheme after scheme which have resulted in the poor of society subsidising the lifestyles of the wealthy. I can only hope that Labour in the UK doesn't implode and realises that it must do all it can to prevent the Conservatives regaining power. This means an end to it's squabbling, an end to any hint of corruption and a concentration on what really matters: governing well and selling it's progressive message to the UK populace.

It's a Scorcher!

Britain has experienced it's hottest July day ever - temperatures peaked at 36.5c in Wisley, Surrey. Of course the UK has gone into meltdown over this as it once again reasserts it's claim to be the country in the world that is the most incapable of coping with extreme weather.

One great thing though about the onset of the extremely hot weather is that it has heralded the annual appearance of a quintessential British classic - The Sun's 'Phew What a Scorcher Guv'nor!' splash.

All the boxes have been ticked...

- Is the temperature in the headline expressed in Fahrenheit rather than Celsius as this makes it look like really really hot ? Tick!

- Is there a picture of some fit bird probably called Denise on her lunch break from Natwest, frolicking in a bikini in a fountain in Trafalgar Square / Lake in Hyde Park / Random waterfall? Tick!

- Is there reference to how the temperature in the UK was better than that in [insert Caribbean / Mediterranean resort] ? (That'll show Johnnie Foreigner who is the boss when it comes to super soaraway scorchers!) Tick!

- Have some Page Three girls been wheeled out to perform some wacky stunt in the sun for the benefit of the hardworking lads of the world? Tick! (go here)

ha ha - it's so predictable but still gives me as much joy as in previous years....Go the Sun! ha ha

Middle East Crisis? No Comment

I've been wondering if I should post a blog about the Middle East crisis but have kept hesitating since I simply don't know enough about the situation to comment with any sense of logic or reason.

I am also baffled by the black and white views espoused by the left and right - that either Israel is a peace loving guardian angel who is being attacked by evil men all around her OR that Israel is the devil incarnate and those fighting her are fearless, brave, freedom fighters. Both views to me seem prepostorous - surely neither 'side' is blameless in any of this?

Anyway, I came across this Matthew Parris article in the Times today and it perfectly sums up my feelings on the issue. Go Matthew!

A COLUMNIST without an opinion is a pitiful thing, like a windsurfer without wind. As the Israeli bombardment of Gaza and now Lebanon has intensified, I have wondered whether holding forth on every subject but this might look feeble — though Heaven knows the world is not short of ranters on the Middle East. But when I try to compose my thoughts, the resolution to write keeps slipping: doubly undermined.

First from a feeling of boredom. The boredom arises from neither carelessness nor apathy, but the quiet anger we may feel when a subject is endlessly and passionately debated by disputants who are unlikely to change their minds and — if the truth be known — mentally armoured against opposing thoughts. The rest of us wish we could walk away.

This conflict has flickered and flared across the daily news through most of my adult life, and I have sometimes wondered whether it will be viewed by future historians rather as the ancient battles over the Corn Laws or Catholic Emancipation are now seen: intrinsically important issues of vast consequence for some, but where even the uninvolved took sides with a passion that succeeding ages have found hard to share. I have even wondered whether, if we in Europe could agree to take no further notice of the story (as we have taken no notice, for instance, of the uncounted dead in the conflict in Congo) it would make matters any worse.

The second is a desperately tricky thing to express. I steer clear because I have too many friends who are Jews whose feelings I don’t want to hurt. You will wish to remind me that to be Jewish is not to be a supporter of everything (or anything) the state of Israel does, and of course that’s true. You will point out that among the harshest critics of Israeli policy are Israeli and Jewish voices, and of course that’s true too. But it’s a personal observation which one cannot just brush aside that, on this, those who are Jewish tend to have much stronger feelings than others, and that they are overwhelmingly if not universally sympathetic to the Israeli cause, more inclined than most to justify the actions of Israel, and prone to feeling personally wounded if one disagrees. Such feelings inhabit some of the people I like and respect best in my life.

The problem is that I cannot agree with them. The past 40 years have been a catastrophe, gradual and incremental, for world Jewry. Seldom in history have the name and reputation of a human grouping lost so vast a store of support and sympathy so fast. My opinion — held not passionately but with little personal doubt — is that there is no point in arguing about whether the state of Israel should have been established where and when it was because it has become a fact. To try to remove it now would be at least as great an injustice as the one originally done to the Palestinians. But Israel’s best and perhaps only security for the future would be to rest upon a settlement that everyone the whole world over — everyone but the anti-Zionist fanatics — could see was reasonable. There would need to be no room left for argument. Then Israel would be able to feel confident of the full-hearted support not just of governments but of their peoples.

That settlement has to be a return to her pre-1967 boundaries. Precisely because Israel is by no means forced to make so generous a move, the international support (even love) this would generate would secure her future permanently. It would bring her back within the pale.

Sadly, nations and individuals tend, by moving only when forced and never quite far enough, to keep resentments burning which, by going the extra mile, it lies within their power to extinguish.

The truth hurts

The fallout from a South Australian Democrat MP telling the truth about the club scene continues.

Truly pathetic.

Blogger's block

I haven't posted for over a week now. I know, I know.

It's not as if there hasn't been anything going on. There is apparently some small disturbance occurring in the Middle East at the moment and in Australia, Peter and John got all worked up about who is going to lead the Liberal Party into the next election. For some reason I have not felt the need to comment on either. The Middle East thing is frankly too damn complicated for me to comment on - my rather quaint view is that all the protagonists there are cunts. But I'm not sure what value that adds to the debate.

As for the Peter and John ding dong it's obvious to me that Johnnie is clearly going to stay on for the next election and Peter has probably blown his chance of ever becoming Liberal leader. But that's just pointing out the obvious surely?

Mmmm...I will post something properly tomorrow - this period of inaction cannot continue. I think I can count on one hand the amount of times when I've had nothing to say (in fact it's once - this time) . I'm sure I will bounce back...

For now I'll leave you with my favourite lyrics of the moment from the slightly bonkers 'Underwear goes inside the pants' tune by Lazyboy...

We’re in one of the richest countries in the world,
an and the minimum wage is lower than it was thirty five years ago.
There are homeless people everywhere.
This homeless guy asked me for money the other day.
I was about to give it to him and then I thought he was going to use it on drugs or alcohol.
And then I thought, that’s what I’m going to use it on.
Why am I judging this poor bastard.
People love to judge homeless guys. Like if you give them money they’re just going to waste it hes gonna waste the money.
Well, he lives in a box, what do you want him to do? Save it up and buy a wall unit?
Take a little run to the store for a throw rug and a CD rack? He’s homeless.
I walked behind this guy the other day.
A homeless guy asked him for money.
He looks right at the homeless guy and says why don’t you go get a job you bum.
People always say that to homeless guys like it's always that easy.
This homeless guy was wearing his underwear outside his pants.
Outside his pants. I’m guessing his resume isn’t all up to date.
I’m predicting some problems during the interview process.
I’m pretty sure even McDonalds has a “underwear goes inside the pants” policy.
Not that they enforce it really strictly, but technically I’m sure it is on the books.


How very very true.

All over the shop

Brendan O'Neill has written one of the most ridiculous blogs I've read in some time on today's Guardian Comment is Free site.

As a way of background, Brendan is a member of the deeply suspect Living Marxism sect details of which can be found here, here and here.

Brendan today writes about the cancellation of a concert in Brighton, UK due to be performed by the Jamaican reggae artist Buju Banton. This has given Brendan an excuse, like he ever needs one, to rant and rave against the liberal left which he claims is hypocritical and racist.

The reason the gig was cancelled was because of protests from gay rights groups about the hateful anti-gay lyrics that are contained in Banton's work (and in many songs performed by Jamaican performers.) These aren't just anti-gay but actually encourage people to go out and harm homosexuals. Banton himself was charged in 2005 with gay bashing (and acquitted after a botched police investigation).

Now, we can have a debate about how far free speech should be extended and whether people like Banton have a right to air such views in a public concert. That's a fine debate to have.

But Brendan, being Brendan, can't help using the whole episode as an excuse to attack the liberal left. According to him the real reason white liberal (for some reason he associates liberalism with being white) people wish to see these performances stop is because they are racist. They believe that young black music fans are 'a potentially excitable horde whose access to inflammatory material must be restricted by the authorities.'

It is interesting to see how Brendan is injecting a racial element to this when he has absolutely no evidence at all to suggest it is true - all that is guiding him is his pathological hatred of the liberal left. In fact I think this theory exposes his own ingrained prejudices towards black people. This has nothing to do with the fact that the reggae scene is 'black', if these songs were bought by exclusively white people there would still be a valid argument made by the 'liberal left' against them.

The really ridiculous thing about his article though is that he tries to draw a parallel between the left's attempt to clamp down on anti-gay performers and their opposition to religious hatred laws. The two things though are not comparable and Brendan knows it full well. He states that liberals like Rowan Atkinson and Joan Bakewell were against the religious hatred laws - and yes they were. They were concerned, rightly in my opinion, that the law would prevent people from insulting someone's religious beliefs or mocking them. None of the terms in the shoddy bill were defined and so it had the real potential to end free religious debate in the UK. There are a couple of important points to make here:

1) There is no contradiction at all between wanting to prevent a law that may have criminalised valid criticism and comic parody of religion and wanting to clamp down on entertainers that espouse the murder of gays. If a singer produced songs that advocated the killing of Muslims then I somehow doubt that the 'liberal left' would be rallying to their defence. The point is that it's fine for people to criticize homosexuals but when they start to incite hatred and violence towards them it really is on a different level. The liberal argument against the Religious Hatred bill wasn't that it sought to criminalize inciting hatred but because it was an attempt to prevent critical discourse about religious belief. The Religious Hatred bill sought to criminalize 'insulting' religion - the term 'insulting' was left undefined. The liberal objectors to the bill did make clear that if this was removed and the bill was more tightly drafted to just cover incitement to hatred and violence against religious people then this would have been acceptable. Banton has expressed the desire to douse gays in acid, that's not an 'insult', that's threatening behaviour and incitement to violence which is illegal in all decent societies.

2) How does Brendan know that just because the likes of Rowan Atkinson and Joan Bakewell protested against the religious hatred laws that they are also for preventing homophobic reggae singers performing in the UK? Has he asked them? Or is he just stupidly suggesting that all liberal people have exactly the same views on each subject?

I had no firm opinion on whether these performers should be banned from performing in public. Then I thought about if a singer was due to perform in a concert in which they advocated killing all black people or dousing Jews in acid . Would they be banned from performing public concerts? Of course they would and I would agree with such a decision. Why is vitriol against gays deemed less bad?

No country in the world has pure free speech. The debate to be had is how free the speech should be - that's a debate worth having. I think that Western countries probably have it about right. But Brendan is not seriously interested in having this debate. He is only interested in creating straw man arguments so he can rant about the 'liberal left'.

What a cunt.

MP in nightclub shocker!

South Australian Democrat MP Sandra Kank did a remarkable thing recently. Rather than believe the fountain of lies and distortion regarding the nightclub scene, she thought she'd go along and take a look at it herself. Rather than seeing ghoulish drug fucked freaks trying to murder & rape people whilst simultaneously trying not to collapse from double dropping she saw a bunch of people having fun and dancing to music (although the former scene is of course seen at hard house clubs across the world on a weekly basis). She said she learned that 'there are a lot of happy people [at dance parties]' and that if she had the choice of going to the pub or going to a club she'd 'go to the rave party every time'. Brilliant!

Of course this small slice of reality about drug use in the political world went down like Grossi in an Australian penalty area and the South Australian health minister John Hill said 'if people want to know about the impacts drugs have they should go to some of our emergency departments Saturday nights and they should go to mental health institutions as well'. I'm sure if she had visited a hospital her assertion about preferring clubs to pubs would have been confirmed as there would have been many many more people there seeking treatment for alcohol related injuries/diseases than there would be people affected by drug usage.

In fairness the Education Minister did sound more sympathetic to the MPs adventure saying ' I think it's always a good idea to find out what it's actually about and get the facts'. Indeed.

If only more MPs were prepared to do this. I can see it now. Peter Costello up on the podium, shirt ripped off, reaching for the lasers. Little Johnnie Hunt scurrying around trying to score some drugs. Tony Abbott gurning at the front waving his glowsticks around. Maybe even Amanda Vanstone could be there - the fat girl that is a bit *too* sweaty and that everyone avoids standing next to on the dancefloor. Ah, just imagine....

More World Cup Post Mortem

Simon Hattenstone writes an excellent piece about the World Cup in today's Guardian blog.

He writes that he knows he should be getting over it but he can't. I feel much the same way, Simon. I'm still thinking about it about every 45 minutes which is an improvement on Sunday (every minute) and yesterday (every 30 minutes). Soon it'll be down to hourly and then daily before tapering off when it will be mainly forgotten until Euro 2008.

He also writes about some of the tabloid headlines regarding Sven's departure:

They [British Tabloids] might be bilious, intrusive, venal gratuitous soul-suckers, but they sure as hell know how to reflect the national mood. My favourite headline of recent days: Goodbye tosser: end of an error - Sven's reign of shame. You're probably looking for the clever pun on "tosser", but I think you'll find it isn't there - this is pure abuse. My theory is that the Sun ultimately settled on "Goodbye tosser" because "Fuck off wanker" - if you'll pardon my French - didn't fit. The Mirror opted for the more subdued He banked, he bonked, he ballsed it up. It took me back to the glory days: It's Swedes 2 - turnips 1 (News of the World, 1998).

Great stuff!

The Beeb doing what the beeb does best

Oh how I've missed the BBC coverage of this world cup. I'm sure I'd have been sobbing (like I did at World Cup 1998) if I had seen this just after the match had finished on Saturday.



HT: Andrew Sullivan

Revolting!

The moral outrage over the Big Brother 'incident' is getting louder and louder.

Little Johnnie Hunt has joined the chorus of 'middle Australia' and has called for the program to be axed. Of course a man who lied about refugees throwing their children off boats knows all about upholding fine moral standards.

Yes, the incident (rather amusingly known as 'Turkey Slapping') was unpleasant but the Big Brother producers took the right action and evicted the boys involved. What else were they meant to do? No criminal charges are being laid on the boys and Camilla herself has said that it was just a joke that got a little out of control and as soon as she asked them to stop, they did. I'm not trying to excuse what they did but let's not blow this out of proportion eh?

The best quote so far comes from Queensland Premier Peter Beattie when asked if he believed the program should be taken off air:

'Look, we have so much American crap on our television I think a bit of Australian nonsense doesn't do any harm, frankly.'

Quite.

The Age

The Age's inferiority complex regarding AFL reaches new heights of ridiculousness in this front page article.

A few days ago the Age were printing 5am specials celebrating Australia's wins in the 'soccer' world cup now they are doing the very predictable 'we only watched it because there was no AFL on' rubbish.

Just because football is the most popular and most watched sport in the world does not mean the tiny niche sport of AFL is threatened. They can both co-exist perfectly well, even in Melbourne. Articles as pathetic as this only show up the inherent insecurity of the AFL journalists of the Melbourne press - as does the name of the mini site on which this article is hosted, 'realfooty.com' and indeed the headline of the article itself: "'our' football returns".

63,000 people turned up to watch Collingwood V Richmond on the weekend. The sport is very popular (in Melbourne) and deservedly so - it has a rich history and is followed passionately by millions. About that number stayed up till 3am and braved the cold to watch Australia V Italy on big screens across Australia. Just because one is hogging the headlines does not mean the other is 'threatened'. We all know that Melburnians love their footy, we've been told a billion times. Enough already.

England are out.

ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

No more. Not again. Not like this.

Against my better judgment I was cautiously optimistic – Portugal didn’t look that great, they had key players missing and Rooney was getting into his stride for England. All of the teams left in the tournament looked beatable. It was possible, I hoped. And as I said in my previous blog, it’s always the hope that kills you – and killing me it is.

I’m sure everything that needs to be said about the game has been said – England put in a ‘gutsy’ passionate performance that ‘deserved’ a goal whilst the Portuguese played a cynical, underhand and negative game to force a penalty shoot out. Whilst that’s the favoured view no doubt of the News of the World etc it does hide the severe shortcomings of England’s failure at the World Cup.

England were utterly woeful in their first 4 matches and won purely due to the poor opposition. The first good team they came up against held them at bay with relative ease and once it went to penalties they had no chance of winning it. It’s clear that we are never going to win a penalty shoot out again (unless it’s against Spain!) and so I hope that if McClaren ever finds himself in a situation where England are 10 minutes away from going to a penalty shoot out he throws caution to the wind and changes things so that England really try and win in extra time. Don’t bring on a defender to take penalties, as Sven did with Carragher, bring on two more strikers and try and win the game before it gets to the dreaded 12 yard kicks.

But England didn’t go out of this World Cup due to our inability to take penalties. We went out because our supremely talented players were utterly mismanaged by a man who was making it up as he went along. He deserves the blame for this debacle and the FA should be ashamed that he has collected £25million and has simply not delivered – nowhere near.

I felt very deflated after the match but the grimness of it all only really sank in when I woke up, slightly hungover, the next day. My brain appeared to have been replaced by an internal DVD player which was stuck on a loop replaying the missed penalty kicks over and over and over again. I literally thought of nothing else all day. I felt numb and physically sick at times. Of course I spent the day trying to take my mind off it by pouring over every single word written about it in the English press. The post mortem of the game. The Wife kept telling me to stop but I couldn’t – it’s all part of the mourning process, it’s a necessary catharsis.

Today I’m feeling a bit better but it’s still there, painful, right in the guts. The pain will dull over the next few weeks of course and I can start looking forward to it happening all over again in Switzerland & Austria in 2008. That’s if we get there of course and with McClaren in charge that’s by no means certain.

These are dark days for an English football fan. The Sunday Express summed it up in their simple front page headline:

‘It’s the end of the world.’

And so it begins....

It's begun.

The low level feeling of uneasiness that has been apparent in me for the last few days has now morphed into an all encompassing queasiness - my legs are shaking, my stomach is tied up in knots, I'm chewing pen lids like there is no tomorrow. It's that familiar feeling I get every two years when England start reaching the higher stages of the World Cup or European Championships.

I've ranted and raved about the way England have played so far but now I really don't care how we play - winning the next three games is all that matters and if we have to do that playing like Watford then so be it. Greece did it in 2004 after all.

I think by this time tomorrow I will be found gazing at a pack of Malboro Lights in a newsagent seriously considering taking up the habit again just to stop my body going into uncontrollable spasms of nervousness and excitement.

This is it. The business end of the tournament. The bit that really matters, that really hurts. When not even a cuddle from your mum can make it alright.

But I'm ready, I'm ready to cry tears of bitter disappointment once more, ready to curse Ericsson, ready to feel hollow for the next month. I'm prepared.

Fuck, who am I kidding? I'm not ready at all. I'm all over the shop. Why? Because no matter how many times it's happened before there's still an optimist in me - still some hope that we can do it this time. The hope is always what kills you. Always.

So let's hope that this year is the year when our dreams can be realised. At last.

Come on England!

Britney! Naked! At Last!

Finally! A nude Britney photo!! I've been waiting for this for years. But goddamn it she had to have it done whilst pregnant didn't she? Some men find pregnant women attractive but the only benefit of it as far as I am concerned is that it makes the breasts grow and I must say that Britney's do look fandabbydozzy in this picture. I also like the hair colour as well - adds a bit of class innit?

The wife remarked that it looks like she has lost weight but I reckon that's down to clever airbrushing. Gotta love those air brushes! I call for a whole lot more airbrushing and a whole lot less reality when it comes to my Britney. Let me keep living the dream eh?

World Cup Round Up

So, that's the 2nd round of the World Cup over and done with and I have to say it was a fairly disappointing round for football fans. Many matches finished up 1-0 and we saw very little of the creativity and attacking flair that was present in the group stage - I guess the stakes have risen considerably now and so teams are naturally more cautious. I was sad to see Ghana and Spain go out after they had contributed so much already to the tournament.

Where do I stand on my predictions? Well, half of them have fallen over. Australia didn't make the quarter finals & Italy got through their group. Still looks possible that we'll have a Germany V England final and I reckon if England can get past Portugal then Brazil will be beaten by us, they are too lax at the back in my opinion. Maybe it's destiny that 40 years on from 1966 a Germany and England final is on the cards!

The fallout from the Australia v Italy game continues with some ludicrous columns in today's press. Firstly, the LA Times reckons it was all a FIFA conspiracy to get Australia out of the tournament (and like all conspiracy theories does not any evidence for it whatsoever) and predictably The Age publishes a 'soccer is a stupid game anyway' piece. Funny how it wasn't a stupid game a few days ago eh?

The guy who writes the piece does have a few good points but his lack of knowledge of the game is there for all to see. Just because there has been some dodgy refereeing in this tournament does not mean the sport itself is a bad one. It simply means that the officiating of the game should be reformed and video technology introduced. That would see the end of the cynical game that the Italians & others play. Football is not without it's faults, what game is, but I guarantee that if Australia had been granted a penalty like that there would be no complaints at all and the author of the piece is gracious enough to admit this in his last sentence...

Australia are out!

Myself, the wife, and friends joined 25,000 other people and watched the Australia V Italy game in the centre of Melbourne yesterday. My observations on the match:

- Australia ultimately suffered due to their lack of class upfront. Viduka is a good battler but he's not the kind of player that is going to open up a well organised Italian defence. Without Kewell, Australia just lacked that special something and for all their possession they had very few chances.

- Australia were certainly the most entertaining team but I'm not sure they were the 'best' team. Italy looked a lot sharper going forward and had more clear cut chances than Australia. When they had a man (wrongly) dismisseed they reorganised and defended superbly. Yes, it was not pretty but it was very effective.

- The penalty at the end was dubious but it definitely wasn't a clear cut decision for the ref to make. However, I do believe that with 8 seconds to go the Ref should give the defending team the benefit of the doubt unless the foul was blatant.

- Australia should be proud of their country's achievement in this tournament. They've played really good football with a load of passion and have put themselves on the world stage.

As for England against Ecuador - well we scraped through again. That's all I'll say. Let's hope we raise our game against Portugal.

Australia are through

I must admit, as an Englishman, my feelings about the prospect of Australia doing well in the World Cup were slightly mixed. I would like football to get bigger here for sure and for the standard of the A League to improve; Australia doing well in the World Cup will surely help this. But there was still a part of me, unable to escape that age old Aussie V Pom rivalry, that simply wanted them to get walloped. But I must say that this desire has been completely vanquished since the tournament started. Why? Because they are playing the kind of football I really like - pacy, direct, passionate, committed football. Exactly the kind of football that England should be playing.

Maybe Sven could go along and take notes at the Australia V Italy match? He'd see something called 'passing' happening. Yes 'passing', spelt 'P A S S I N G'. It's when one player gets the ball and kicks it to another of his team mates. Strange huh? What Sven will also notice is that the ball travels along the floor in the majority of these 'passes'. It isn't continually twatted 60ft into the air in the vain hope that some lanky cunt at the other end of the field can get his head on it.

Another phenomena Sven may detect is what the Aussies call 'passion'. This is something that has been AWOL from the England team since 1996 but basically refers to a deep seated desperate desire to win. That's 'W I N', Sven. Other novelties he will see in action include 'self belief', 'pace' and the most important one, 'good management'. Make sure you write that last one down eh Sven and study it carefully.

Anyway, onto Australia who were excellent against the Croats this morning. The match encapsulated for me everything that is great about football - the drama, the unbearable tension, the release of passion and of course the shit refereeing. What the fuck was Graham Poll doing? Had he decided before hand to unilaterally change the rules of the game?

'Well, I was looking through the rule book and I thought to myself why not give players 3 yellow cards before I demand they are sent off? I mean come on, it's time to shake this game up! I'll try it out at some tinpot tournament where the results don't matter.'

What would have happened had the Croatian who should have been sent off (as he had collected 2 yellows) scored? Would the goal have stood? If it had stood then would the result of the match been allowed to stand or would it have been replayed? Shambles.

Poll also missed two blatant penalties for Australia including a handball offence by the Croats which was identical to the one they committed in the first half and which was punished by Poll with a penalty to Australia.

But the most laughable of all his errors was blowing the whistle for full time as the ball crossed the Croat goal line (from a Tim Cahill shot). Yes, he blew the whistle mid shot. Simply unbelievable. Australia should have won that match 3-2 but the records will always show a 2-2 draw.

Luckily, Australia went through anyway as a score draw was enough but just imagine if they hadn't. How much longer can FIFA resist in introducing instant video replays to assist in refereeing decisions? When fuckwits like Graham Poll are refereeing then the game can (and did) turn into a farce. The referee should never be the story of the game!

Anyway, onto the next round for Australia and they're up against the cunting Italians - my most loathed international side without doubt. So once I again I'll be supporting the Sheilaroos and I quite fancy putting a bet on them to reach the semi finals - after all, their potential quarter final opponents, should they get past Italy, will be either Switzerland or Ukraine.

Meanwhile, I'll be asking my money back for my bet on England and will desperately hope that Sven does take notes at the next Australia match and passes them onto his successor, Steve McClaren.

Wanting England to play like Australia in the football. What the fuck is going on?

It's all Labor's fault!

I won't go on about this because frankly I am too tired to. But I did notice an incredible editorial in yesterdays Australian. It talks about the Government's proposed changes to parliamentary procedures which will mean that oversight of it's legislation will be reduced. Now The Australian rightly thinks that these changes are bad for Australian democracy, which they are. But guess who they apportion blame to? Howard? No, don't be silly. The Liberal Party, yes slightly. But of course the real villians are Labor! Honestly, you couldn't make this stuff up. Choice quote:

'The major obstacle to the Senate carrying out its review role is less Senator Minchin's planned cuts than that the Howard Government controls both houses of parliament. That it does so can be sheeted home to Mark Latham's disastrous leadership of the Labor Party at the 2004 poll. If John Howard is in a position to steamroll legislation through the Senate, the ALP must accept much of the blame. The fact that non-government parties form the Senate minority means they lack the numbers to set up select inquiries into matters of national concern.'

Simply unbelievable. I need say no more.

Poverty Wage

A proposed minimum wage rise in the US has been voted down by the Republicans.

The current minimum wage in the US is $5.15 which is £2.79 OR AUD$6.95!!!

What a sad indictment of the state of US society that is.

Reason to be cheerful

It looks as if the liberal wing of the Liberal Party has won the day over Howard's proposed capitulation to Indonesia.

Hurrah!

Anti Porn

Look's like the Government has been rummaging around the back of it's sofa for small change again as it has found a whopping $116 million to spend on anti-porn filters to 'protect' children from the evils of internet pornography.

Surely if people want the internet in their homes it is their responsibility to buy filters if they are worried about their children logging onto www.bangmyass.com ? Why should I have to pay for this addition to their IT set up? Once again the government is subsidising services that should be paid for by the individual while things like education and health are left wanting. Hey, my future child may have debts of $30K leaving uni but at least they never saw Silva Saint take one up the shitter! Thank you John Howard for helping the moral fortitude of the nation once again.

Sherman Yellen, of the Huffington Post, writes about Bush's anti gay marriage stance.

Ingerland Rant Part 2,00,000

For 45 minutes yesterday it looked as if England may actually not be quite as bad as I feared. They passed the ball reasonably well but still created very few clear cut chances. They were quicker and the Rooney effect was obvious. Joe Cole scored a screamer and all seemed right in the world again. Bring on Ecuador I thought!

They went off at halftime comfortably in front with the lion's share of possession and with Sweden denied any meaningful attempts on goal. Sven Goran Ericsson is seemingly incapable of inspiring his team during the half time break as when England came back out they were a different team. It was back to the standard of their 'performances' against Paraguay and T&T - passing was woeful, gave the ball away too much, long balls were being sprayed around here, there and nowhere. Even the area that has looked the strongest thus far, the defence, comically collapsed and in the end England were very lucky to get a draw against an average Sweden side.

Maybe, just maybe, the gods of football are smiling on England. I mean they have played abysmally but still finished top of the (poor) group and their opponents in the second round are the mighty Ecuador. That gets us to the Quarters without having to play a decent team. By the time we get there Rooney will be approaching full fitness and due to Owen's injury Ericsson will be forced to drop his, IT CLEARLY DOESN"T WORK YOU CUNT, rigid 4-4-2 formation. I reckon a 4-5-1 with Hargreaves the holding player and Lampard & Gerrard playing behind Rooney will be the best option.

Who knows with this formation England might actually start to play well. But let's be clear about this, if it does happen then it's in spite of Sven not because of him. Everyone knows that these players are more than capable of winning the World Cup (just as they were capable of winning Euro 2004 and WC 2002) but Sven simply cannot manage them, is too loyal to players out of form (David Beckham anyone?) and does not have the courage to embrace any other system than long ball when England come up against a resolute defence.

The crying shame is that this is the most talented English team in a generation and the potential is being squandered by a man who has collected £20million in wages so far but clearly does not know what the fuck he is doing. His replacement, Steve cunthead McClaren is a chip off the Ericsson block so don't expect things to get better. The FA should be ashamed of itself.

USA and 'Soccer'

The Guardian World Cup blog has an American perspective on the World Cup.

Lots of the usual anti 'soccer' nonesense from American contributors as well can be found below the main piece. My favourite is this:

'It's fun to watch the fans and soak in the excitement. But the game itself is not exciting to many Americans for the following reasons -
1. Not enough scoring 2. lack of control of the ball 3. the team that gets ahead almost always wins 4. ties.
What would help? Do away with offsides. Let players use their hands at least in some capacity (we do have four limbs). No ties.'

What would help? Does the most popular sport in the world need help I ask you? The arrogance of Americans in suggesting that the sport be changed just to meet their particular sensibilities is breathtaking. The fact is we like it that the Yanks don't like football. We don't want them to get involved and ruin it (yes that includes you Glazer), they can take their 'PKs' and their stupid club names and fuck right off*


* saying that, I did support USA the other day against the Italians. Not because I wanted America to win however, I just always enjoy seeing the cunting Italians lose.

Howard out of touch

It may have energised his far right bigoted base but it appears that Howard's shameful decision to overturn the ACT law re civil unions may not have been to his electoral advantage after all.

Taser that!

Tory MP David Davies believes that every house owner should be allowed to keep a taser gun to protect them from burglars. Tim Dowling of the Guardian takes a far more sensible view.

One of the central problems with Mr Davies' view is that he seems to believe that all home owners are nice, good upstanding members of society. Fact is if you gave them all Taser guns then it is undeniable that there would be many many instances where they would be used in dubious circumstances. Abusive husbands would start delighting in zapping their wives - much more fun than a simple punch in the face! noisy neighbours would be zapped by the old dear next door who was kept awake at 2am, troublesome toddlers could be silenced in the press of a button. It's also fairly certain that these weapons would be taken out of the home and used on other people to cause harm & distress. In fact, what's to stop a burglar stealing one of these and using it to aid their future twilight raids?

You can't create a more peaceful and crime free society by increasing it's weapons stash.

Ah for the days of the Taliban!

Have just read Stephen Lendman's review of the new John Pilger book on znet.com. It's the usual leftist stuff but one quote stood out in particular for me:

"Life was no bed of roses under the Taliban. But despite their ultra-puritanical ways and harsh treatment for the disobedient, at least they kept order and wouldn’t tolerate banditry, rape or murder."

Ah how nice of them! How did they keep 'order' I wonder?

Well they punished thieves by chopping their hands off for a start. Order was also kept in family affairs as they stoned to death women who committed adultery. Talking of women, weren't they the ones who were prevented from wearing what they liked and barred from attending schools?

The Taliban certainly did not tolerate banditry particularly bum banditry. Homosexuality was illegal and men were executed for committing sodomy.

Oh, but those glorious days are gone forever now as the Americans came in and ruined the party. Suddenly the country is awash with anal sex, adultery and educated women (sounds like Australia to me). Damn those yanks! If only the Taliban were back in power, they wouldn't tolerate this one bit! Hell no. They'd be stoning people left right and centre and hanging gays for fun. But hey, that'd be OK. Why? Well they'd be keeping order of course but more importantly, they hate the Yanks. And let's face it that's the real reason the likes of Lendmen get misty eyed in reminiscing about those good Taliban folks - all of their niggling faults (hey, who hasn't stoned an adulterer to death before) can be forgiven if they stand up to the big bully uncle Sam.

How has the left come to this?

Melanie Phillips Interview

Jackie Ashley of The Guardian interviews the increasingly bonkers 'Mad Mel' from the Daily Mail.

Interesting reading.

Britney. It's over.

Did anyone see the Britney interview the other day? Not a good look was it?

She chewed gum throughout the whole piece which was utterly bizzare. Did her PR team tell her to do this because they wanted her to look even more trashy than usual? Who advised her on her clothes? Someone from Primark? What was her make up about? Dear oh dear.

Britney - I have a simple plea to you. STOP GETTING FUCKING PREGNANT. Yes, motherhood may be a wonderful life affirming thing for you. But fuck, what about ME? What about the thousands of men around the world who are now crest fallen that the Britney they loved and adored seems to have vanished forever? For God's sake get Kevin's cock away from you, visit your local family planning clinic, stop chewing gum, lose some weight, wear skimpy clothes and start dancing seductively with snakes again. Or else.

Melisma - Smelisma

I always knew what it sounded like and I have ranted to the wife about it many a time. But up until now I haven't known the actual term to describe the way of singing that is taking over the world due to Mariah and Pop Idol. But thanks to Simon Castles, I am now aware that it is called Melisma.

He really has hit the nail on the head here for me. I am a pretty tolerant of trash TV, hell I am still watcing Big Brother even though all the good people have gone, but I cannot abide Australian/Amerian/Pop Idol or X Factor or any other of those talent free shows. The reason? It's the singing - it drives me absolutely bananas. The aforementioned article in The Age perfectly sums up why.

Down with Melisma!