Leaving Australia

Only 17 days to go until the wife and I leave Australia and I must say I am rather looking forward to my imminent return to the motherland. This is for a variety of reasons - I've been away for nearly three years, I can't wait to see my friends again, I miss my family and since I've been gone my sister has given birth to my beautiful nephew, AJ, who I am eagerly anticipating seeing. But apart from the usual personal reasons for wanting to go back home I am also looking forward to return because I love the UK and I love London. Sure it has its faults, where doesn't? But overall it rocks.

What I have found amusing over the past few weeks and months is the reaction of Australians (mainly those who aren't friends and family) when I have told them that I am going back to the UK.

First, a look of utter bafflement appears on their faces, as they are unable to internally process why on Earth someone would want to leave Australia to go to the UK - usually this bafflement lasts so long that I have to quickly say 'Ah, but we're only going for a couple of years and then we'll be back' just to put their minds at ease and break the embarrassing silence. Bafflement then turns to relief. 'Ah, he doesn't really think the UK is better than Australia' the relived Aussie thinks, 'it's just he wants to go there for a little while. He's coming back, so that shows he prefers it here.' Phew!

Or the alternative to this scenario is that the Aussie asks as soon as I've told them I am leaving 'Why??? don't you like it here?' They cannot even comprehend that I may really like it here but that I *still* want to leave. DOES NOT COMPUTE. BEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD. NOT A WHINGEING POM. STILL LEAVING. *&&(*%^&$(* *CRASH*

Their minds just cannot handle it - if I had said "No, I hate it here' I could have been filed away in the 'Whingeing Pom' category and they would have still been safe in the knowledge that Australia *IS* the best country in the world and those Brits who leave are simply whingeing poms, it's not US it's THEM.

Then comes the assumption. 'So you'll be back when it's time to raise children obviously' And why is it obvious exactly? 'Well, it's just a much better place to raise children.' Is it? Just because you spent 2 years in London living in a shared bedsit in Hackney so you could spend all your money getting wankered at The Church doesn't mean you have knowledge of what the rest of the UK is like. I was brought up in the UK, so were all your English friends. To my knowledge we haven't got an ASBO between us, thanks.

Then comes the criticism of the UK:

"It's so expensive to live there" - Coming from someone from a country where green beans (green beans!) are currently $13 a kilo

"The weather is shit" - Sure, we have rain. You know, that watery stuff that is essential to life. Besides, weather aint everything. We have good TV and cheap dr*gs.

and so it goes on.

The conversation inevitably ends in me soothing their bruised egos by assuring them that we are coming back and that our future children will not be raised in the dystopian hell that is England.

It is such a bizarre way to speak to someone who is embarking on an exciting adventure, is it not? Yeah, thanks for your hospitality and your best wishes for the future.


Pfffft bloody convicts.

Desyn Masiello

Just a quick blog to recommend a truly exceptional 3 hour DJ mix from Deysn Masiello.

If you like house music then you need this in your life!

Clicky Clicky

The Secret is it's bollocks

Announcement to all my friends.

If any of you have read or intend to read this book consider yourself officially purged from my life.

Thanks.

One rock night runs in Ibiza this year. Next!

Another year, another tired, fatuous 'Rock music takes over Ibiza' article from The Guardian.

This was last year's effort, this is this year's.

Obviously, the publicists from Ibiza Rocks are doing their jobs right as they have managed to get exactly the same story written in a UK national newspaper two years in a row to promote their night.

And what an utter non story it is too. So, there will be ONE night on the island this year that will showcase live performances from Sheffield guitar heroes the Arctic Monkeys and dance act LCD Soundsystem amongst others. This somehow, well according to the 'Ibiza Rocks' press release no doubt, signals the ""indie invasion" of the island" and shows that "the Balearic island appears to be loosening its embrace of superstar DJs and 8,000-venue clubs."

What a load of utter utter bollocks.

Firstly, one of the acts mentioned in this avalanche of rock acts is LCD Soundsystem. You know, the DANCE act. Secondly, this is one night out of many on the island. 99.9% of those nights are devoted to dance music - 5,000 people a night at Amnesia, 5,000 at Space, 4,000 at Pacha, 3,000 at Eden, 2,000 at El Divino, 500 at DC10, 8,000 at Manumission. All listening and dancing to traditional 4 to the floor dance music. Because the odd DJ may play a bootleg of a rock tune this is also seen as evidence that rock music is taking over the most celebrated dance music mecca in the world, "big-named DJs are expected to incorporate "electro-rock" into their sets this summer." What. A. Load. Of. Arse.

By far the most laughable part of this piss poor excuse for journalism is the inclusion of the following quote from cunthead Andy McKay (the guy who introduced those grim sex shows to Manumission):

"Perhaps in time people might consider the west end of San Antonio as akin to Camden," added Mr McKay. "What's happened to guitar music has forced its way onto Ibiza and now I think it's going to take over."

Now, is he taking the piss or what? Come to think of it though the West End of San An is already like Camden in many regards: open drug dealing, people vomiting and pissing onto the streets, shops selling cheap crap (Camden Market anyone?) and a general sense of grimness and dirtiness.

We've heard all this before from The Guardian of course who appear to have some kind of weird 'the end is nigh' obsession with club culture. If the Britpop movement of the mid nineties failed to convert Ibiza to the wonders of the guitar I seriously doubt that it is likely to happen now or ever. How many more years does dance music & club culture have to be phenomenally successful before the twats at The Guardian realise that a) it isn't going to die, b) it doesn't need 'saving' by the rock scene?

First Steps

Britney's coming back.

Hair today, gone tomorrow

No you don't. Not just yet you bastard.

To what am I referring? The ageing process of course.

As you will know from a previous post I recently took the decision to abandon my hairstyle which took me all of 89 seconds to style every morning and opt instead for a grade 2 all over. Why? Because I was tired of the maintenance of erstwhile cut and I wanted something more practical. I've always lived by the rule that practicality should rarely take precedent over style - if you start making decisions on what trousers to wear due to their excellent pocket facilities then you are in trouble. Unless of course you are considering buying some of those black pants from Camden Market which were perfect for clubbing in those old hard house days: pocket for water bottle, tick! - pocket for money, tick! - pocket to store glowstick, tick! - secret pocket to stash drugs, tick tick! But even then the relaxation of style was only so you could accommodate something much more important in your life, like taking vast quantities of drugs and dancing all night. And it don't come much cooler than that does it?

Anyway, I digress. After the clippers had shorn my head I immediately started to feel somewhat disappointed in myself that I had succumbed to this victory for practicality over style at such an early age. I'm 28 for God's sake. Not 50. If you are already past the point of being bothered to style your hair at 28 you may as well give up now, go and buy some sensible slacks, some of those ghastly iron free shirts and staring moaning about the 'yoof of today'.

NO.

Not just yet.

Needless, to say the hair is being grown back. No doubt when I'm struggling with a handful of Fudge in the morning to control my wayward locks I'll be yearning for an easier life again, but 'easy' is what retirement is for. I'll shave my head again then.

Bugger the economy, I just want to bugger young boys!

I always check the Daily Telegraph site everyday to catch up on what the latest Labour "outrage" is. Usually this involves some baseless claim that Labour is going to tax breathing or impose a stealth tax on having sex or such like. And so it goes on and on and on.

I almost admire it's right wing contrairy attitude to all matters social and economic. Today, it published a piece of op-ed gold from its resident right wing lunatic, Simon Heffer.

In summary, he basically claims that life under Blair has gone to hell in a handcart and things haven't improved at all. His last paragraph is what really stands out though:

They [people lifted out of poverty by the state], Mrs Blair, the Irish Republican Army [note, just the IRA not the many people aren't being blown up anymore! lol] and those for whom the most important thing in life is to be allowed to sodomise 16-year-old boys are the only ones I can think of who have done well out of the past 10 years.

Ha ha ha - Brilliant. If you are in Australia and don't know the UK Labour government equalised the age of consent for same sex couples so it is now 16, the same as the heterosexual age.

What's so good about Heffer's statement is that he believes people who pushed for this change believe that 'the most important thing in life is to be allowed to sodomise 16 year-old boys'. Really? I'm not sure that I, being a supporter of the change, put the right to fuck a 16 year old up the arse as a more important priority than say climate change, alleviating poverty, maintaining economic prosperity or improving public services. What an utterly absurd thing for Heffer to say! Me thinks the man doth protest too much. If you see what I mean ;)

Underground wankers in speaking shit shocker!

Sometimes in my eternal fight against the "underground' and all the pretentious nonsense that comes with it, it's best to keep quiet and let the ridiculousness of it all shine through. This excerpt from club culture newsletter Skrufff says it all:

"The Village Voice suggested the rise of new rave is prompting a resurgence of beat-matching DJs on New York’s cutting edge alternative-electro scene this week, in a lengthy feature called ‘The Return Of Rave’.

“Breaking news: DJs are mixing again! Matching beats,” Trish Romano trumpeted, going on to eulogise Denny Le Nimh’s one year old weekly ‘rave-meets-rock party’ Ruff Club as the epicenter of the trend.

“I think it’s catching on, mixing, it’s definitely the way the music is going as well,” DJ/ co-promoter Le Nimh confirmed.

“A lot of these rock bands are being remixed by house, techno, and electro producers. Justice and Ed Banger records — that sound, that French harder house sound — a lot of the jukebox DJs are starting to play that, and noticing that dance music doesn’t sound as good when you don’t mix it. Dance music is the new dance music [my italics],” he told the Voice."

Dear oh dear.

One more thing - what the fuck is "New Rave"? Answers on a postcard please.

OMG

Honestly. Where do I begin?

I was going to pen a piece today about my new haircut. I beat Britney to a short back and sides last week when I got my hair cut down to a grade 2 all over. This for me was a surefire sign that I am getting old - no longer is the style important, I just want something easy, manageable and practical. ARRRRGGGHHH! I'm 28 going on 60. I feel like growing it back into a style just so I don't succumb to the inevitable descent into an eternal quest to find styles and clothes that are practical, easy to wash and hard wearing.

My new hair cut:

Anyway, I was going to talk about that at length. But then someone else gets a very short hair cut and my fear of ageing too quickly pales into insignificance compared to someone who appears to be on the edge of a nervous breakdown.



At this point it would be very easy for Britney fans to throw in the towel - we excused the flashing of the flaps saga, we winced as she dropped her children, we felt pity as she married the biggest loser in the world and we sympathised as she put on weight. But this latest saga takes the cake. It's clear that Britney is hurtling towards rehab quicker than Kirsty Ally regaining weight after going on a crash diet.

These are dark days for Britney admirers but stick with it people, she will come out the otherside. And if she doesn't, hey at least we have the memories. *sob*

Oh dear. Brtiney aint looking good at the moment.

This headline from a TMZ.com article says it all: 'Did Britney Blow Chunks?'

Nice.

Stupid People Get Run Over. Let's ban iPods!

OK - so yesterday I had a good old rant about Motorists and their incessant tirades against the 'nanny state'.

Well today I came across a proposal that really is an example of nanny statism gone mad. And yes, I realise I already sound like a Daily Mail article. You know the kind: 'I was prosecuted for calling a black man a n*gger, it's political correctness gone MAD I tell you!

In the good ol'US of A, like here in Australia, people aren't trusted to walk across the road based on their own judgement and reasoning - they are fined if they don't act like good little sheep and obey the green and red lights at pedestrian crossings.

Now, some fuckwits have crossed the road in New York with their iPods on and they've been run over. Run over because they obviously weren't looking properly whilst making the journey from one pavement to the other. They didn't die because they were listening to their iPods - they died because they were fucking stupid and didn't look out for cars. So what's the "solution" to this "problem"? I'd say there was no problem, it's natural selection in action. But no, something other than their own stupidity MUST be to blame so New York City Council are proposing that people get fined if they listen to their iPod earphones whilst crossing the road.

MY GOD.

What the fuck is going on here? Surely walkmans and portable music devices have been around for over 20 years - what is it about iPod usage that so enrages the legislators whom seem hellbent to enshrine laws against their use. THIS IS MADNESS.

Luckily, in Australia the proposal has been dismissed by the NSW police chief who the Age report "warned against legislating for "stupidity".

Quite.

McClaren must go!

So, the scandal that is Steve McClaren holding the position of England coach continues with yet another pisspoor performance.

I predict England will lose or draw in Israel in March and we'll be waving Steve a very eager goodbye. And not before time.

War on motorists! Where do I sign up?

Motorists. What a funny bunch of people they are. I am one myself but think of myself as completely detached from the ever increasing number of them who doing nothing but moan about the 'restrictions' that are placed on their 'right' to drive as they wish.

How many times have you read or heard someone banging on about the 'outrage' that are speed cameras or the 'outrage' that is having your car clamped? How many times? I'm guessing fuck loads. What they seemingly fail to realise is that if you DON'T speed or DON'T park in illegal parking spots then guess what? You won't get fined, you won't get a points penalty on your license, you won't ultimately lose your license. It's not hard is it? It's like every other law of the land. You break it, you suffer the consequences.

Now, you can protest against these laws and try and get them overturned but whilst they are in effect you have to realise that you will be punished if caught. If you don't speed or drink drive or park illegally you won't get wound up by yet another demand for a fine payment dropping through your letterbox. It's the actions of the individual that cause them to get wound up by the 'nanny state' NOT the Government which is merely trying to enforce the law. Speed Cameras are only revenue machines IF people speed. If everyone obeyed the speed limit then there would be no revenue. It's really quite simple. If the militant motorists out there really wanted to protest against the Government then the most logical thing would be for them to STOP speeding so that the Government revenue then dries up. Everyone is then a winner, drivers aren't fined, people aren't killed by irresponsible drivers and I can stop listening to people moaning about the government's 'War on Motorists'

I have been caught speeding before and was fined. I paid the fine. And that was that. I cannot argue against the fine - I was going 10k over the limit. Fair cop guv, you got me.

It seems to me that motorists who cannot take responsibility for their actions are every bit as bad as those people who sue councils because they trip over a twig on the street or those people who sue MacDonalds because they have got fat through eating 20 burgers a day. The government only has to act like a nanny if people act like children. Act responsibly and there'd be no need for speed cameras on every corner.

The Rage Returns

If you live and work in London eventually you'll experience what I call 'The Rage'. It occurs when you use public transport in an attempt to get to and from work. When you first arrive in the Capital you are amazed that tubes run every 5 minutes and that public transport can be accessed from all the important parts of London, Hackney and South East London being the unimportant parts, obviously.

Then after using the service for a year or so something starts to change within you. The Rage starts to grow and grow - every time there is a cancellation, every time you feel more penned in than a battery hen, every time you hand over £75 a month to use the pisspoor service, every time someone pukes over the seats after a 'eavy night up West, every time you lose your bodyweight in sweat because there is no air conditioning on the train, every time the train gets stuck in the tunnel between Camden and Kentish Town for no discernible reason, every time the rail unions decide to go on strike again, every time you look on the web and find out a return from London to Manchester costs £200, every time you think 'fuck this I'll get a car' and realise there's nowhere to park, petrol costs £1 a litre and you have to pay £8 to drive into your own city centre etc etc etc you get the idea.

The Rage builds and builds and slowly consumes you. Not only are you paying through the nose for this daily torture but you are losing your dignity as you are shuttled around one of the World's greatest cities in conditions that would be illegal for livestock. You start the day pissed off, you end the day pissed off. It's not a healthy state of affairs. And I for one, was glad to leave it behind and say good riddance to The Rage.

Then I came to Melbourne and became a daily commuter on the city's rail network operated by Connex. Yes, Connex. The same company that used to run the South East train franchise in the UK and got stripped of its license because its service was so appalling.

However, the service in Melbourne seemed a world removed from that in England. In my experience 99% of trains ran on time and were not too packed, air conditioned and not full of marauding nutters. Until this month.

Suddenly trying to catch a train is like playing the lottery, only you have more chance of winning the lottery than your train actually running on time. At Flinders Street, one of Melbourne's major train stations, there is no information at all regarding cancellations or delays. You just have to stand there waiting and hoping. Everyday since 2nd January the trains have been completely fucked.

The first few days of this caused me minor anguish but then I felt it from the pit of my stomach. The Rage was returning. An unwelcome reminder of times past stood on a platform hearing the omonious announcement about 'signal failures'. It was back. Arrrgggghhhhh. Thanks Connex, you utter cunts for bringing The Rage back into my life. I thought it was banished forever but no, it was still there lying in wait for me. Will I ever be free?

People in glasshouses.

If there's one thing the Melbourne press like more than a pathetic Melbourne V Sydney story it's a beat up on football (that's "soccer" football) over its hooligan 'problem'. If a fan at a football ground is seen so much as contorting his face in anger, guaranteed it'll be all over the front pages of The Age and the Herald Scum with some outraged reporter breathlessly banging on about how violence and football are intertwined yada yada yada. It's so utterly fucking predictable.

I bet you didn't know that 190 fans were ejected from the MCG during one day of the test cricket but this barely got a mention in the press, whereas if that was at a Melbourne Victory game it would be headline news.

This week saw the emergence of a strange new phenomena in sport - crowd disturbances at the tennis. 150 fans were ejected after fights broke out between rival gangs of ethnically based groups - Serbians and Croatians. Now you would think that this would show that hooliganism is based on age old ethnic hatreds, too many young lads with too much testosterone and a healthy dose of right wing nationalism. In short, it has nothing to do with football.

But no, The Age couldn't report this problem without mentioning football hooliganism, over and over again. They ran an op-ed piece by an absolute fuckwit called John Weldon who moaned on about the intimidating atmosphere at Wembley when he saw England play Germany in the football there and says...

I was taken back to September 2000 and the last ever game played at Wembley Stadium. England was playing Germany and after having stood outside in the rain for hours, I'd finally scored a ticket and was inside. All my life I'd watched games at Wembley on TV, hoping that one day I might actually get there. And there I was, watching Beckham and co go down 1-0, but instead of enjoying the game I sat there saddened, wishing I was back home in Australia instead of in that ground full of racism and hatred, full of chants about who won the war, mock Hitler salutes, Irish-hating songs, full of spite, full of vitriol.

I wanted to go home to a place where I could sit next to an opposition fan, or a fan from another country, without either of us having to hate each other.

Obviously I can understand why he wanted to get back to Australia as it's a peaceful multicultural rainbow of a country where all the ethnic groups hold hands and the whites love everyone - especially those Wogs (how cool is it that Greek and Italian people have accepted what we want to call them?! Bless.)

But then he goes to the tennis and sees fighting between the Croats and the Serbs (let's conveniently ignore the fact that most of them were born or raised in Australia) and he despairs. Poor John. He says...

I lost them [the people fighting] as they drifted deeper into the square, but I haven't yet lost the sickened feeling they gave me. I can still see the massed thousands throwing the Nazi salute across the terraces at Wembley, and I'm still haunted by that feeling of wanting to go home, but after this I'm not sure where home is any more.

Yeah, because acts of racism and ethnic bashing have never been perpetrated in Australia before have they John? True blue Aussies would never act in such a despicable manner would they? Those bloody Europeans coming over here in their football shirts, being racist and fighting. It's un-Australian. I tell you!

Old Ex-President dies. And?

Can anyone explain to me why the death of Gerald Ford is so significant in Australia? It's been prominent on all the TV News bulletins here including those on Channels 7,9 and 10 which usually feature little or no news outside of greater Melbourne. So what if an old, ex-one term US president has died??? - what has that to do with Australia exactly? It should merely merit a brief mention at the end of the news along with an update on Moggy the cat in Coburg who is still stuck up a tree. As the US slowly takes over the world, its news is becoming our news. Joy.