Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Leaving Australia

Only 17 days to go until the wife and I leave Australia and I must say I am rather looking forward to my imminent return to the motherland. This is for a variety of reasons - I've been away for nearly three years, I can't wait to see my friends again, I miss my family and since I've been gone my sister has given birth to my beautiful nephew, AJ, who I am eagerly anticipating seeing. But apart from the usual personal reasons for wanting to go back home I am also looking forward to return because I love the UK and I love London. Sure it has its faults, where doesn't? But overall it rocks.

What I have found amusing over the past few weeks and months is the reaction of Australians (mainly those who aren't friends and family) when I have told them that I am going back to the UK.

First, a look of utter bafflement appears on their faces, as they are unable to internally process why on Earth someone would want to leave Australia to go to the UK - usually this bafflement lasts so long that I have to quickly say 'Ah, but we're only going for a couple of years and then we'll be back' just to put their minds at ease and break the embarrassing silence. Bafflement then turns to relief. 'Ah, he doesn't really think the UK is better than Australia' the relived Aussie thinks, 'it's just he wants to go there for a little while. He's coming back, so that shows he prefers it here.' Phew!

Or the alternative to this scenario is that the Aussie asks as soon as I've told them I am leaving 'Why??? don't you like it here?' They cannot even comprehend that I may really like it here but that I *still* want to leave. DOES NOT COMPUTE. BEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD. NOT A WHINGEING POM. STILL LEAVING. *&&(*%^&$(* *CRASH*

Their minds just cannot handle it - if I had said "No, I hate it here' I could have been filed away in the 'Whingeing Pom' category and they would have still been safe in the knowledge that Australia *IS* the best country in the world and those Brits who leave are simply whingeing poms, it's not US it's THEM.

Then comes the assumption. 'So you'll be back when it's time to raise children obviously' And why is it obvious exactly? 'Well, it's just a much better place to raise children.' Is it? Just because you spent 2 years in London living in a shared bedsit in Hackney so you could spend all your money getting wankered at The Church doesn't mean you have knowledge of what the rest of the UK is like. I was brought up in the UK, so were all your English friends. To my knowledge we haven't got an ASBO between us, thanks.

Then comes the criticism of the UK:

"It's so expensive to live there" - Coming from someone from a country where green beans (green beans!) are currently $13 a kilo

"The weather is shit" - Sure, we have rain. You know, that watery stuff that is essential to life. Besides, weather aint everything. We have good TV and cheap dr*gs.

and so it goes on.

The conversation inevitably ends in me soothing their bruised egos by assuring them that we are coming back and that our future children will not be raised in the dystopian hell that is England.

It is such a bizarre way to speak to someone who is embarking on an exciting adventure, is it not? Yeah, thanks for your hospitality and your best wishes for the future.

Pfffft bloody convicts.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Desyn Masiello

Just a quick blog to recommend a truly exceptional 3 hour DJ mix from Deysn Masiello.

If you like house music then you need this in your life!

Clicky Clicky

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

The Secret is it's bollocks

Announcement to all my friends.

If any of you have read or intend to read this book consider yourself officially purged from my life.


Monday, May 14, 2007

One rock night runs in Ibiza this year. Next!

Another year, another tired, fatuous 'Rock music takes over Ibiza' article from The Guardian.

This was last year's effort, this is this year's.

Obviously, the publicists from Ibiza Rocks are doing their jobs right as they have managed to get exactly the same story written in a UK national newspaper two years in a row to promote their night.

And what an utter non story it is too. So, there will be ONE night on the island this year that will showcase live performances from Sheffield guitar heroes the Arctic Monkeys and dance act LCD Soundsystem amongst others. This somehow, well according to the 'Ibiza Rocks' press release no doubt, signals the ""indie invasion" of the island" and shows that "the Balearic island appears to be loosening its embrace of superstar DJs and 8,000-venue clubs."

What a load of utter utter bollocks.

Firstly, one of the acts mentioned in this avalanche of rock acts is LCD Soundsystem. You know, the DANCE act. Secondly, this is one night out of many on the island. 99.9% of those nights are devoted to dance music - 5,000 people a night at Amnesia, 5,000 at Space, 4,000 at Pacha, 3,000 at Eden, 2,000 at El Divino, 500 at DC10, 8,000 at Manumission. All listening and dancing to traditional 4 to the floor dance music. Because the odd DJ may play a bootleg of a rock tune this is also seen as evidence that rock music is taking over the most celebrated dance music mecca in the world, "big-named DJs are expected to incorporate "electro-rock" into their sets this summer." What. A. Load. Of. Arse.

By far the most laughable part of this piss poor excuse for journalism is the inclusion of the following quote from cunthead Andy McKay (the guy who introduced those grim sex shows to Manumission):

"Perhaps in time people might consider the west end of San Antonio as akin to Camden," added Mr McKay. "What's happened to guitar music has forced its way onto Ibiza and now I think it's going to take over."

Now, is he taking the piss or what? Come to think of it though the West End of San An is already like Camden in many regards: open drug dealing, people vomiting and pissing onto the streets, shops selling cheap crap (Camden Market anyone?) and a general sense of grimness and dirtiness.

We've heard all this before from The Guardian of course who appear to have some kind of weird 'the end is nigh' obsession with club culture. If the Britpop movement of the mid nineties failed to convert Ibiza to the wonders of the guitar I seriously doubt that it is likely to happen now or ever. How many more years does dance music & club culture have to be phenomenally successful before the twats at The Guardian realise that a) it isn't going to die, b) it doesn't need 'saving' by the rock scene?

Thursday, March 22, 2007

First Steps

Britney's coming back.

Hair today, gone tomorrow

No you don't. Not just yet you bastard.

To what am I referring? The ageing process of course.

As you will know from a previous post I recently took the decision to abandon my hairstyle which took me all of 89 seconds to style every morning and opt instead for a grade 2 all over. Why? Because I was tired of the maintenance of erstwhile cut and I wanted something more practical. I've always lived by the rule that practicality should rarely take precedent over style - if you start making decisions on what trousers to wear due to their excellent pocket facilities then you are in trouble. Unless of course you are considering buying some of those black pants from Camden Market which were perfect for clubbing in those old hard house days: pocket for water bottle, tick! - pocket for money, tick! - pocket to store glowstick, tick! - secret pocket to stash drugs, tick tick! But even then the relaxation of style was only so you could accommodate something much more important in your life, like taking vast quantities of drugs and dancing all night. And it don't come much cooler than that does it?

Anyway, I digress. After the clippers had shorn my head I immediately started to feel somewhat disappointed in myself that I had succumbed to this victory for practicality over style at such an early age. I'm 28 for God's sake. Not 50. If you are already past the point of being bothered to style your hair at 28 you may as well give up now, go and buy some sensible slacks, some of those ghastly iron free shirts and staring moaning about the 'yoof of today'.


Not just yet.

Needless, to say the hair is being grown back. No doubt when I'm struggling with a handful of Fudge in the morning to control my wayward locks I'll be yearning for an easier life again, but 'easy' is what retirement is for. I'll shave my head again then.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Bugger the economy, I just want to bugger young boys!

I always check the Daily Telegraph site everyday to catch up on what the latest Labour "outrage" is. Usually this involves some baseless claim that Labour is going to tax breathing or impose a stealth tax on having sex or such like. And so it goes on and on and on.

I almost admire it's right wing contrairy attitude to all matters social and economic. Today, it published a piece of op-ed gold from its resident right wing lunatic, Simon Heffer.

In summary, he basically claims that life under Blair has gone to hell in a handcart and things haven't improved at all. His last paragraph is what really stands out though:

They [people lifted out of poverty by the state], Mrs Blair, the Irish Republican Army [note, just the IRA not the many people aren't being blown up anymore! lol] and those for whom the most important thing in life is to be allowed to sodomise 16-year-old boys are the only ones I can think of who have done well out of the past 10 years.

Ha ha ha - Brilliant. If you are in Australia and don't know the UK Labour government equalised the age of consent for same sex couples so it is now 16, the same as the heterosexual age.

What's so good about Heffer's statement is that he believes people who pushed for this change believe that 'the most important thing in life is to be allowed to sodomise 16 year-old boys'. Really? I'm not sure that I, being a supporter of the change, put the right to fuck a 16 year old up the arse as a more important priority than say climate change, alleviating poverty, maintaining economic prosperity or improving public services. What an utterly absurd thing for Heffer to say! Me thinks the man doth protest too much. If you see what I mean ;)

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Underground wankers in speaking shit shocker!

Sometimes in my eternal fight against the "underground' and all the pretentious nonsense that comes with it, it's best to keep quiet and let the ridiculousness of it all shine through. This excerpt from club culture newsletter Skrufff says it all:
"The Village Voice suggested the rise of new rave is prompting a resurgence of beat-matching DJs on New York’s cutting edge alternative-electro scene this week, in a lengthy feature called ‘The Return Of Rave’.

“Breaking news: DJs are mixing again! Matching beats,” Trish Romano trumpeted, going on to eulogise Denny Le Nimh’s one year old weekly ‘rave-meets-rock party’ Ruff Club as the epicenter of the trend.

“I think it’s catching on, mixing, it’s definitely the way the music is going as well,” DJ/ co-promoter Le Nimh confirmed.

“A lot of these rock bands are being remixed by house, techno, and electro producers. Justice and Ed Banger records — that sound, that French harder house sound — a lot of the jukebox DJs are starting to play that, and noticing that dance music doesn’t sound as good when you don’t mix it. Dance music is the new dance music [my italics],” he told the Voice."

Dear oh dear.

One more thing - what the fuck is "New Rave"? Answers on a postcard please.