Sandi Thom Bombs

Severe lack of postings I know. I've been hosting a parental visit to these shores so my time for witterings about Britney et al has been limited. Full service will resume tomorrow.

In the meatime here's something to cheer you up, proof that just occasionally there is justice in this world:

Supposed internet sensation Sandi Thom did a
free myspace gig in Melbourne. Only 25 people
turned up. Sandi didn't go on stage. Instead
it was announced she had been taken ill.

(HT: Popbitch)

Leave her alone!

Apparently there is a bit of Britney backlash going on at the moment amongst her fans regarding her partying antics with Ms Hilton and her seeming inability to wear panties.

Can't say I am one of those who finds her behaviour repellent - yeah sure she has kids, but pfft to them quite frankly. I'm sure they've got a perfectly capable nanny looking after them. Who cares?

What do these people want? Do they want her to return to the life of domestic drudgery she led with Kevin? No way. All Britney fans should be pleased that she has shaped up and taken up her lapsed membership of the hedonists club again. Think about it - do we want to see Britney in baggy clothes or in sexy dresses with her minge showing? Clearly there is no option (well, maybe sexy dresses WITH knickers would be better but hey, beggars can't be choosers).

All those who are jumping good ship Britney seem to be confused. Surely they didn't love her originally for her svelte sophistication, her intelligence and her business nous? Surely they all loved the bad girl, trailer park trash spirit within her? Well people she's now fully embracing that side of her personality and it's all hanging out, literally.

Let her have her 'I've just filed for divorce and I'm going to get hammered' phase. It'll pass. Her and Paris will fall out. She'll start releasing songs again and being successful. And the only lips we'll see will be those that are singing.

More of Britney's beaver

Except it's not. She is clearly wearing underwear.

Pffft

Britney gets her beaver out.

Dear Lord.

Britney seems to keep forgetting to put her knickers on. Click here.

Definitely NOT suitable for work!

Hugh Muir, of the Guardian, write a good piece today about British whingeing about the Olympics. Bravo!

Sentenced

The two men convicted of the murder of Thomas ap Rhys Pryce, which I discussed yesterday, have been sentenced to between 17 and 21 years in prison, minimum. They still have expressed no remorse for the hideous crime they have committed and have shown no sympathy towards the devastated relatives and fiance of Thomas ap Rhys Pryce.

You can read Adele Eastman's (Tom's fiancee) victim statement here - truly heartbreaking stuff. Adele Eastman is putting her grief and sorrow to good use and has set up the Tom ap Rhys Pryce Memorial Trust - money donated to it will be used to enable individuals, who could not otherwise afford it, to achieve their potential by gaining access to appropriate educational facilities. If this trust can only save one more future Tom ap Rhys Pryce then it will be a success.

Crossing the road

Martin Samuel pens a good rant in today's Times about the laws against jaywalking that exist here in Australia. Now lots of people like ranting about the 'nanny state' but in reality they simply are yearning for a world in which they can do as they please regardless of the consequences for others. However, I must join the antagonists of the nanny statists in condemning laws that seek to prevent adults crossing the roads when and as they see fit. We all grew up to learn the green cross code - look right, look left erm...erm...err. Oh well whatever it was, it's been hard wired into my head so that I know myself when it is sensible to cross a road and when it is sensible to wait.

For some reason, governments in Australia have decided that we can't be trusted to perform this most basic of cognitive functions and if we dare cross the road in the city away from a pedestrian crossing with a green man flashing we could be fined $100. Ah, Western freedom - what a wonderful thing it is! The sad thing is that so many people just blindly accept this patronising nonsense and duly stand at crossings wasting away their lives waiting for the lights to change - even when the nearest car is about 210km away. I love the look on people's faces when I walk out without *gasp* waiting for the lights to change. Honestly, judging by some people's expressions you would think that I had been convicted of raping the rotting corpse of Princess Diana rather than just having a belligerent attitude to local laws regarding road usage.

Councils and governments continually seek to legislate to prevent 'accidents' happening. The problem with this approach is that very few of these 'accidents' are real accidents. They are acts of carelessness or stupidity and you can't legislate against that no matter how hard you try.

I've never been a member of the 'string em up and flog em brigade'. I firmly believe that prison should be used primarily to rehabilitate people rather than to punish them. But sometimes people commit crimes that are so callous, so evil and so heartless that the perpetrators should be permanently denied liberty. This is one of those cases where the convicted should spent the rest of their lives locked up - everyone makes choices in life, if you make a choice that these two blokes did then society can also make a choice - to end your liberty for good. This is one of those rare cases where life should mean life.

Paris and Britney

New Weekly reports that Britney and Paris are new best friends and 'friends' of Britney are worried about Paris' influence on her. One of my favourite quotes from the article is:

The dishevelled duo posed for photographs throughout the night, images that document Britney's transformation from presentable mum-of-two to knickerless drunk.

Eh? 'Presentable mum-of-two'? When exactly was that? Just before Sean cracked his skull or just after she nearly dropped him in front of photographers whilst carrying a glass (of booze?) in her other hand? Or was it whilst she was driving with him on her lap? Let's face it, she has never been a presentable mum - and nor do we want her to be.

I reckon Madonna should pack David back to Malawi and sweep into Malibu Beach and adopt Britney's two babies. Her noble actions will save Britney a whole lot of babysitter fees which she can put to good use and spend whilst out partying with Paris. Problem solved. Sure David will be back to a life of subsistence but Britney will be free to be Britney and surely that is a more worthwhile cause to support?

MX Beer

It's all too easy and all too unoriginal to point to the increasing trivialisation of news that we see in the tabloid press and on the television every day. But never one to pass up an easy and obvious target I thought I would bring to your attention to the front cover of Melbourne's MX 'news'paper which was published yesterday. MX, for my English readers, is the Australian equivalent of thelondonpaper - a brief read for the journey home after work.

Now free papers are not known for the investigative journalism or their in-depth analysis but MX manages to plumb new depths of inanity with its sections, 'Boring but important' - a single column where all the real news of the day goes, and 'Doom and Gloom', where you'll find information about the Iraq war, earthquakes and other disasters.

But hey, it's only meant for a 20 minute train ride and there is nothing wrong with inanity after a hard day's slog at the office. But yesterday it reached levels of triviality that even I could not have forseen.

We've just had a state election here in Melbourne. Being English I'd never experienced an election of this level before and its safe to say that it wasn't exactly the most exciting political competition I have ever witnessed. I think voting in a state election is rather like the staff at ACME Paper Ltd voting for who should be the next middle manager in charge of the admin department. Sure, there might be a slight variation in paperclip policy but the overall thrust of the political climate and country is still controlled by the CEO and Director, messrs Howard and Costello. Anyway, to those who don't know, the Labor Party won and so even though it was only a state election I took great satisfaction in seeing the Liberals get a kicking - hurrah!

Anyway, I digress. Now, in fairness to federalism there were some reasonably important issues at the election - water, education, health, how many paperclips should be ordered etc. So what did MX decide to splash on their front page after Labor's historic third term victory? The fact that the Liberal vote increased by a paltry 0.2%? No. The fact that Labor won by such a margin that it looks likely they'll be in office till 2014? No.

This is what MX put on their front page:


Yes, the front page the day after the election concentrates on what really matters - what beer is the Victorian premier Steve Bracks drinking? Oh my god! It's from New South Wales - now there's a hot scoop, hold the press! Why bother publishing any proper news regarding the election when we can simply trot out yet another spin on that boring, done before, please please god make it stop, story about the rivalry between Melbourne V Sydney. Now there's an original thought.

I meanwhile will continue to bring my readers a diverse range of cutting analysis and insight. Watch out for my next post - Britney and Paris in lesbian romp! Now, that's original!

Popes are going to hell

Catholics. Dontcha just love 'em?

News has leaked today that the church is considering relaxing its ban on condom use but only for situations in which the two shaggers are married and one of them has AIDS. Gee, thanks Popee!

According to the Guardian article:

Pope Benedict XVI's "health minister" is understood to be urging him to accept that in restricted circumstances - specifically the prevention of Aids - barrier contraception is the lesser of two evils.

Now, read that again. The Health minister believes that wearing a condom is a lesser evil than someone contracting a fatal disease because their church is so sexually repressed it cannot deal with people wanting to have sex for fun.

So, it's the lesser of two evils for the church to stop preventing married people getting AIDS but completely OK for the church to condemn unmarried and gay people to their deaths because having sex before marriage and having gay boy sex is of course more of an evil than being infected with, and dying from, AIDS.

Hello?! I admit this it is encouraging to see even the smallest step in the right direction from the church but this slight liberalisation of the doctrine shows fundamentally what a backward, immoral, heartless and yes evil organisation the Catholic Church is. They are happy to see millions of people die every year because of their pathetic inability to come to terms with people wanting to have sex outside of procreation. If there is a hell then both Popes Benedict and John Paul II deserve a place in it for the misery, disease and death they have done nothing to prevent during the 20th and 21st centuries. It is utterly shameful and another sorry indictment of the poisonous influence organised religion has on this fragile world of ours.

Olympics cost a lot - WORLD EXCLUSIVE!

If there is one thing that the British are world experts in it is viewing the glass as perpetually half empty. Everything must be viewed from a cynical, why bother perspective. Everything is going to the dogs. Everything is a waste of time/money/effort.

So it is depressingly predictable that a chorus of professional whingers have started to bang on about the cost of London hosting the games in 2012. Let's put all the positives to one side and let's concentrate on the bad stuff. It's going to cost more than we thought it would. Yawn.

Guess what folks? Hosting the Olympics costs lots of money. Eye watering amounts in fact. Whoopee do. Big news. Hold the front page! We knew this before we won the bid. Does anyone seriously think it was ever going to come in on budget?? Purlease!

In all other countries in the world, the hosting of the Olympics would be seen as a great source of national pride, a time to unite together and be positive and get behind your own country. But no, not in the UK where people have been desperate, since the day the bid was won, for this project to go slightly off the rails so that they can say 'ner ner told you so, we should never have bothered'. When the games are on, they'll be there hiding in the corners hoping for something to go wrong so that their pathetic negativity can be proved 'right'.

Sure the budgetary process should be rigorous but let's not let the naysayers get in the way of what will be a great games and, possibly more importantly, a new beginning for the most deprived parts of London. Optimists of the UK should get ready to dish out a huge dose of 'I told you so' at the end of the closing ceremony in 2012 but amid the celebrations there'll no doubt be people moaning about the cost of the food at the stadium or the tubes being full on the way home or the fireworks being too loud. Of course something will be wrong - there always bloody is isn't there?

Pffft.

I was wrong

Yes, read that title again. I admit it, I was wrong.

What was I wrong about? Well, I'll explain.

I've been in small UK towns quite a fair bit in my life. And they all had the same thing in common - come pub closing time (which was 11pm) the town centres would all morph from being slightly sleepy, non descript environs into something more akin to Michael Jackson's Thriller video. Gangs of very pissed up lads and ladettes would roam the streets, urinating in doorways, eating kebabs and puking in taxis. And yes, I was one of them between the ages of 16-20. Because of my experiences I thought the introduction of 24 hour licensing would be an utter disaster - yes, I used to say to my fellow inner city latte drinking friends, in London it will be fine. But in Watford? Please.

The English have an all consuming innate desire within them to get fucked, blotto, smashed, mullered, spangled, blind, hammered, pissed. No other country has as many words to describe the age old pleasure of getting drunk. And for this reason I thought that the extension of opening hours would simply lead to people getting MORE drunk and causing more chaos -Never underestimate the English capacity for immaturity and hedonism! We aren't like continental types, quaffing red wine over a coq au vin in some quaint courtyard in Bordeaux. We are a nation of Dazzas and Traceys whose idea of a good night out is going down to Yates, sinking 20 slippery nipples for a fiver and then going onto dance to Bon Jovi at Chasers with another 10 bottles of 'breezer to help them on their way.

I just couldn't see these people going 'well, now the pub is open till 4am I'll take it a bit easier and spread my 20 alcopops over 10 hours instead of 5.' I could only see a world in which they would think '5 more hours of drinking? Fuck! That's like 20 more drinks to be drunk!' And the result would be more alcohol consumed, more vomiting and more riot vans needed on Watford High Street.

However, this has not happened. As Andrew O'Hagan points out today in his Telegraph column it appears that crime has fallen since the liberalisation of the laws and the whole thing seems to have been a massive success. Well, fuck me sideways. It appears that when English people are treated like adults they actually act like adults. Who could have foreseen that development?

I admit that based on this evidence we English seem to be more responsible than I ever thought possible. But then I came across this and it raised a wry smile. God bless the English!

Anti Smoking Nazis

I used to smoke cigarettes. A lot of them. 20 a day.

Then I read the greatest book ever written and I gave up. I've now not smoked for nearly three years and I fully appreciate how much better my life is sans cancer sticks. I support moves by Governments to ban smoking in public places - I applaud the decision of the Blair government to completely ban smoking in all bars, restaurants and clubs next year. It is beyond dispute that people in their workplace should not be subjected to second hand smoke. The right of someone NOT to breathe in poisonous fumes is more important than someone's right to breathe them into their own lungs. Smokers can smoke outside - simple.

So, we've now reached the point where public places will be smoke free, cigarette advertising is illegal and extensive programs are in place to either discourage people from starting to smoke or encouraging them to stop. I think that's enough. People have a right to do as they wish in a free society, as long as it doesn't harm others.

But now there are calls for smokers to be docked pay for the amount of time they spend on fag breaks (or smokos as the Aussies call them). This is a step too far. Everyone at work finds ways of getting out of doing work for 5 minutes here and there - grabbing a coffee, surfing the web, reading the paper whilst on the bog etc. Smokers tend to use their 5 minutes to get some much needed nicotine into their system. So what? Of course it shouldn't be abused - I used to have one cigarette at 11am and one at 3pm (as well as 4 during lunch & 3 before getting to work at 9am - oh, those were the days!) and that seems reasonable to me. 10 minutes out of an 8 hour day.

I think the push to ban smokos comes from non smokers' pure envy at the way in which smokers have the audacity just to release their ball and chain without their superior's permission in order to saunter outside to have a fag and a chat. The non smokers sit meekly behind their desks all day scared to move an inch in case the boss thinks they aren't working whereas the smoker gives a big fuck you to his manager and bold as brass strolls out for a break whenever he feels like it. It's one of the very few acts of rebellion still permitted in the workplace and that's why it should remain. To all the smokers out there, I say fuck the anti smoking nerds, go and do your duty and go light up - do it for all the oppressed workers worldwide! And to the non smokers I say, get a fucking life you tools.

Britney loses her pants!

Well, well, well. My two favourite gals, Britney and Paris, are hanging out together. Britney joined Paris on a wild night out in Sin City this weekend and appeared to misplace her pants during the night's festivities.

More...

Britney Video and hot lesbian action

Just when you thought that Kevin Federline couldn't be more of an utter scumbag it emerges that he is threatening to sell the sex tape he has of him and Britney getting fruity together. Now, you might think that I would be well up for seeing Britney sans clothes and involved in kinky pursuits and you would be right except that I don't want to see her getting fucked by the person that turned her from steaming hot love goddess to downtrodden, bad skinned, fat trailer trash. It would just be wrong. Mind you, I will give it a look anyway just for blog research purposes ;) There's no harm in that surely?

What's definitely not wrong though is the prospect of Beyonce and Eva Longoria getting jiggy with each other. They are due to star in a forthcoming production of the lesbian romp novel, Tipping the Velvet. How many girls up and down the country will be enthused about accompanying their slightly over eager boyfriends to the cinema to watch this one? I am sure many women were just a bit disturbed at the look in their partner's eyes when they witnessed that scene from Wildthings between Denise Richards and Neve Campbell. Mind you, I am sure the prospect of Beyonce and Eva getting it on is exciting enough to turn even the most straight women slightly bi-curious. This could herald the biggest increase in threesome activity in history. Hurrah! :)

I am disturbed that I am about to congratulate the a UK court for its dismissal of the charges that the authorities tried to pin on the leader of the BNP, the odious Nick Griffin. He is a disgusting, dangerous individual who represents everything I detest about the extreme right. BUT he does have a right, in a free country, to say that Islam is a 'wicked, vicious faith.' If he then went onto say that people should act violently towards Muslims then that would be a reason to prosecute him - but he didn't.

In response to the acquittal the UK government is ominously making noises about trying to reintroduce the illiberal laws they failed to bring in last year which attempted to criminalise 'abusive' criticism of religion. This is completely unacceptable. People who are religious are not a race of people who share genetic similarities (well apart from stupidity maybe) - they are a bunch of deluded fuckwits who have chosen to believe in some made up bollocks and try and control other people's lives in order to fit in with their imaginary world. Of course, incitement to violence against ANY people is not acceptable but criticism of religion, no matter how strong, no matter how loud, no matter who says it, must always be allowed in a free society. Who in the UK government is going to stand up for liberal democracy and speak out against this state sponsored push to immunise organised religion from valid criticism?

2 very good pieces of news

Hallelujah! It's finally happened. Years of underachievement, corruption and declining standards are over. Now a new dawn is breaking, a new sense of hope is upon me and my faith in humanity is restored. Blessed be the news the Britney has at least seen the light and dumped that fuckwit of a husband of hers! Hurrah!

Apparently, Kevin has filed for custody of the children but let's face it - if he can't keep one of the world's hottest women in good shape then what chance does he have of raising a couple of children? Please! Mind you, I don't think Britney dropping Sean Preston or driving with him on her lap sans seatbelt will look particularly good in a family court...

Now what usually happens when girls split up from men is that they suddenly shape up, start wearing short skirts and begin turning themselves into hot love goddesses again. I can only pray the same happens with my Britney. Well according to website tmz.com it's all ready happening - check it out.

Well done girl, it took you enough time and www.divorcekevin.com had to collect 200,000 signatures on their petition demanding you dump the twat. But hey, you've come to your senses at last. All is forgiven. Now where is that red pvc suit of yours?

- Oh, the other good news is the Democrat's comprehensive win in the US. Kevin and the Republicans getting dumped in one week. Does it get any better?!

Chaplains

You know what this world really really needs? More religion!

What's that you say in horror?

Northern Ireland? Millions of Catholics dying of AIDS? Islamic Fundamentalism? Female Circumcision? Homophobia? Assisting the Nazis? Covering up child abuse?

Ah, that's all minor stuff. Every group in society has its faults! Come on. I mean surely if we forgive the Scottish for being tightarses and the Yanks for being stupid then we can forgive organised religion giving the world wars, disease, prejudice and Hitler?

Let's put all of that to one side and concentrate on what religion does best - it installs 'good' 'christian' values in our young people of course.

And so with this in mind John Howard has announced that the government is spending $90 million of OUR money on subsidising the cost of employing Chaplains in state, and wait for it, PRIVATE schools. Way to go Johnny! Not only is he going to waste $90 million of our money on something that is completely unnecessary but he is going to give a lot of it to schools that are already loaded. Brilliant! So a cleaner earning $25K a year is now not only subsidising the private school fees of the rich but is now also subsidising the religious indoctrination of the rich. Wow! Now that's a fair go society.

Now, John could have agreed to fund secular school counsellors - you know the types who don't bang on about abstinence from sex and live in the real world. But no they would be far too leftwing, radical and liberal for our Johnny. So he thought, bugger the separation of church and state I'll just ride roughshod over a hundred odd years of tradition (tradition being a thing that Johnny usually loves so much) and inject religion into the public realm.

Well, I am glad he is putting our money towards the real crisis areas of Australian society.

Anonymous Lefty has more.

Grrr...

Just over 3 weeks ago I joined the Australian Labor Party or the Victorian branch of the party to be precise.

I did this for several reasons, the main being that the more I live here the more I loathe little Johnny and I want to channel my hatred towards him and his party in a more constructive way than simply ranting on this blog from time to time (as therapeutic as this undoubtedly is). Now, I have no great affinity to the ALP, I think Beazley is an uninspiring leader whose time has been and gone and I also think the party here is still far too tied up with the Union movement. Of course the labour movement forms the foundation of any social democratic party but the party must realise that it's elected to act for all the people not just union members.

ANYWAY, I put these doubts to one side and filled in my internet application form a few weeks ago. I am yet to hear back from them - unlike with the Labour Party in the UK you aren't just immediately signed up but instead have to go through an approval process.

What with the Victorian election campaign kicking off I thought it was a good time to get involved and do some work for the party. And then came this

Now I joined the party more because I was against the other party (Liberals) than I was FOR Labor. The Victorian Labor Party seem pretty timid to me and I am not a fan of Brack's social conservatism. However, they are still a billion times better than the Conservative parties.

I joined Labor because I am against bigotry about civil unions, I am against religious attempts to stop stem cell research, I am against the outrageous new media laws that have just been passed in the federal parliament, I am against the breaking down of the separation of church and state, I am against the ridiculous 'War on Drugs', I am against rightwing nuts with their simplistic, prejudiced view of the world. It so happens that the Labor Party shares my philosophy in most of these areas.

Then why oh why are they even considering giving their preferences to the rightwing, morality hatemob that is Family fucking First? They hold opinions that Labor should be diametrically opposed to and I detest everything they and their cunthead of a leader, Steve Fielding, stand for. The reason Labor are doing this is because they are worried about the Green vote in a few inner city seats but surely they should realise that giving FF their preferences will only make leftwing people vote primarily for the Green Party?

So, I emailed the ALP today and said I want to put my membership on hold. I simply will not donate a single cent or minute to any cause that may end up benefiting the very people who I think are so damaging to our society.

If the ALP does decide to give FF its preferences it will be a very very sorry day and an utter betrayal of their principals, its members and the hundreds of thousands of people who vote for them.

I await their decision with interest.

Keeping abreast of Melbourne's ever changing skyline

I was wandering around the city today and noticed this wonderful new addition to the Melbourne skyline. I thought I'd share it with you all...

The Crocs are a Burning!

So, since my rant about Crocs I have discovered that the trend for wearing these spastic shoes is not just confined to Australia but is spreading its evil across the globe.

But there is hope. A crack team of sane, well dressed, well adjusted people have set up the excellent web site www.ihatecrocs.com I urge you all to go visit and join in on the vitriol being hurled at the makers of Crocs. Maybe buy a T-Shirt or if you can't afford to donate any money towards the good fight then sit back, relax and watch this video of the dudes behind ihatecrocs burning a Croc down to a smouldering heap. Enjoy!

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Enough is Enough

RIGHT! It's time to take a stand. It's time to say enough is enough. No more. There has to be a better way.

What am I talking about? The war in Iraq? Nope. The Liberal Party's new media laws? Nope. Global Warming? Afraid not. Global Poverty? Nope, it's far more serious than that.

No, it's time for all right minded, sane people to stand up and be counted because this madness has to be stopped.

I am, of course, talking about the crime against fashion, commonsense and humanity that is the Croc shoe:
























Lovely aren't they? I don't know if they've spread their evil outside of Australia yet (please god let this only be a local trend) but I can't take it anymore. Why on Earth are people wearing these monstrosities? Thongs/Flip Flops are cool - they look good, they keep your feet cool in the summer, they go with lots of clothes.

Crocs look like the type of shoe that would be dished out to a busload of mental psychotics to wear on their annual day trip outside of the asylum. After being strapped securely to a patient's foot the wearer can't then use their toenails to stab an innocent passerby to death and the rubber casing means that self harm via shoewear is also negated.

I mean seriously. Come on people! Do you honestly think these look remotely good?? You look like a twat! Stop it. Have some dignity and go and burn them as quickly as you can. Someone is getting rich because you think its cool to wear these on your feet.

If any of my readers wear these then please go into the comments section and leave an explanation of why. I need reasons goddamit. I have already excluded 'because they look good' (simply not possible) 'because they keep my feet cool in the summer' (no, plastic makes your feet sweat), because they are like, you know, really right on and hippy-ish (well apart from the fact they are made from a fossil fuel). So come on, someone come on here and justify their existence! I am all ears.

Faith Schools

If you can be bothered then I would highly recommend reading pieces today from Martin Samuel of The Times and Polly Toynbee of The Guardian. They are both about the increasing number of publicly funded faith schools in the UK. In these times of a yearning for a more inclusive, integrated society it is complete madness to increase religious segregation amongst children.

Faith schools should not receive ANY public money and any that are currently dependent on such revenue should either be taken over by the education department or turned into private schools. How can the Government possibly justify funding a school that teaches creationism? Or that gives girls a different education from boys?

England!

After my big rant about the new media legislation yesterday I was hoping to write a more light hearted piece today but I'm afraid I am going to have to have another rant. It's not my fault though, if England had managed to beat the team that the football giant Australia kicked out of the world cup last night then I'd have nothing to rant about (well, I clearly would but that's not the point!)

England, bloody England. Yet another dark day in the life of an England football fan is upon us. After meekly drawing 0-0 with football heavyweights Macedonia on Saturday, England lost 2-0 to Croatia last night in Zagreb. What looked like an easy qualifying group for Euro 2008 is now in danger of turning into a Graham Taylor-esque disaster.

And who is to blame? The FA. That's who.

It's become very fashionable of late for football writers and commentators to start espousing the opinion that maybe the England players aren't actually good enough to win anything and that the fans should just accept this fact of life. Bollocks to that I say. The fact is, is that they are good enough to win a major tournament but their talent has been squandered through those uber cunts at the FA making appalling decisions regarding who to give the job of being England manager.

You would have thought that after England's insipid, bland, dull, mediocre, dire, uninspiring performance at this year's world cup that the FA would seek a break from the Sven Yawn Ericcsson era. But no! What do they do? They appoint Sven's 'mastermind' Steve Cunting McClaren. A man whose achievements in club football include winning the league cup for Middlesborough and erm...mmm...err...losing 4-0 to Seville in the UEFA cup final, also with Middlesborough. Yes, he's just the man for the job! A known protagonist of boring, route one, defensive football - just what the England team needs!

This of course came about after the FA's utterly farcical attempt to recruit Scolari before the World Cup. Scolari clearly realised he was dealing with a bunch of utter retards and so rightly told them to fuck off.

So this is how we have ended up where we are today. Nothing has changed since Sven - oh, apart from dropping our best free kick taker out of the squad. In fact, I think it's actually going to get worse.

Let's face it, at least with Sven we qualified for tournaments, comfortably and we usually scraped through to the QFs. But with McClaren even these small victories seem as likely as Peter Crouch suddenly morphing into a player of international quality.

What a fucking shambles. Thanks FA! Thanks for destroying any dreams England fans have of winning anything in the near future.

CUNTS.

Australia's Media Laws

The Howard crusade to stamp out any dissent in Australian public life continues at apace. First, he got rid of those annoying leftwing types at Australian unions by abolishing VSU fees, then he started to stack the ABC board with extreme anti-ABC conservatives like Keith Windschuttle and Janet Albrechtsen. Now he has turned his attention to the commercial media sector. Now what does he see before him? A country whose media is completely and utterly dominated by PBL and News Ltd - both big supporters of the Liberal party. But hang on, what's this?! Two widely read papers exist in Melbourne (The Age) and Sydney (The Sydney Morning Herald) that don't churn out Liberal propaganda on a day to day basis - they must be crushed!! That's clearly too much diversity and opposition for our John - TWO broadsheet papers not toeing the line in a country of 20 million.

And so this is how we have got to today's media laws which are being rammed through the senate with Barnaby Joyce meekly capitulating as usual and deciding to vote with the government.

The current laws, introduced by Keating, do not allow one media owner to control more than one medium ('mediums' in this instance being free to air TV, free to air Radio and newspapers) in a particular marketplace. So Murdoch can only own a newspaper in Sydney and Melbourne but not a free to air TV channel or a radio station. Packer can own magazines and a TV channel in Perth but not a newspaper as well. These restrictions ensure a diversity in the local media marketplace and more importantly ensure a diversity of opinion. Why the hell is there any public interest imperative in relaxing these restrictions so that media conglomerates can own 2 out of 3 mediums in one market?

Well, it's obvious. When the leash is taken off, the Packers will be making a beeline for Fairfax, owner of The Age & SMH, and suddenly the only mainstream voices in the Australia media that offer any serious criticism of the Liberal government will be gutted and transformed into yet more Conservative rags.

Who exactly has demanded these changes? The Australian public? I don't think giving yet more power and money to the Murdochs and Packers was on top of most people's national priorities. I can't see many people thinking 'Well I know the public education system is a mess, interest rate rises are crippling me, Iraq is a disaster and my job security has disintegrated since the IR laws BUT my number one priority is that that nice Mr Murdoch and that lovely Mr Packer be given more control over the information I receive. I mean the other things are kind of important but I would rather parliament use it's precious time to help those two fellows out...'

I have written before about the scandal that is media law in Australia and this is more proof of the pudding. It's clear that the consumer is utterly irrelevant in media regulations and that the laws are shaped purely for the benefit of the Liberal Party and its media mogul chums and benefactors.

It's nothing less than a scandal and I would like to hear a single reason given by the government as to why these new laws are in the public interest. You won't hear a simple reason given and any spin trotted out by Coonan and her bunch of cunts will be vacuous nonsense banged out simply to deceive and fool the Australian public into thinking that the government is acting in their interest.

Pffft.

Hypocrisy

What an utter fucking disgrace the Liberal Government in this country is. Howard and Costello never shirk from demonising Muslims and demanding they conform to 'Australian Values'. Even though the proportion of Muslims that don't embrace the Australian mainstream are tiny in number.

When asked about the Exclusive Brethren sect, whose members aren't allowed to vote, do not allow their children to go to university and do not allow married women to work both Costello and Howard refused to criticise the weirdos. Yes, they are really part of the Australian 'mainstream' aren't they? Can you imagine the utter hoo ha there would be if this was an Islamic sect? Costello and Howard would be all over it like a cheap fucking suit.

No, of course they aren't racist or prejudiced they just think that white Christian fundamentalists are cool whilst brown Muslims fundamentalists are bad. Nothing racist in that at all. Can you hear that dog whistling?

The day that wanker Howard fucks off the better.

Latte Zero

After the wife made a less than complimentary remark about the quantity of grabbable fat I have round my middrift I have decided that it's time to take a stand and start taking drastic action to curb my increasingly large belly. Sacrifices have to be made.

From today it's low fat milk in coffee for me all the way. Not a big step I grant you but there's no way on Earth I could even countenance the idea of not having my daily chocolate bar or not having my weekly take away or reducing the quantity of beer I drink. So the only room I can see for a less gluttonous life is to reduce the amount of fat I have in my daily cappuccino.

Except there is a problem. And that's the name given by coffee places to their low fat offerings: the 'skinny' latte or 'skinny' cappuccino.

Now, I don't know what it is but I just can't think of that name without images of that skinny bitch Nicole Ritchie coming into my head or some vapid Californian bimbo ordering coffee in some god awful Beverley Hills cafe. It's just so...feminine. How many men do you know order 'Skinny' coffees? It just sounds wrong coming out of male lips. I meekly asked for a low fat cappuccino this morning as I couldn't bare saying the words.

Surely there are lots of men who need to lose a few kilos who'd like to order a coffee without sounding like a presenter of Queer Eye For the Straight Guy?

So I propose a new manly name for low fat coffee - Latte Zero. It worked with Coca Cola, who realised just how feminine Diet Coke was so bought out a butch version instead. Now is the time for the same thing to happen to coffee.

Blair

So the long goodbye has begun.

In my infinite geekiness I decided to stay up last night to watch some political history in action - Blair's last ever address to the Labour Party conference as its leader.

I thought the speech was superb. It was policy lite of course but this speech was always going to be about Blair thanking the party, reminding them of the massive achievements they've secured during the past ten years and warning them not to return to the infighting that kept Labour in opposition for so many years in the Eighties.

No one in the UK can come close to delivering that kind of performance and it reminded me once again what a tragedy it is that his decision to go to war in Iraq has effectively finished his premiership and cast a long dark shadow over his term in office.

However, putting that aside it was great to hear someone passionately articulate why the UK is a much better country now than it was in 1997. People think the advancements of the past 10 years have just happened. Well they haven't. Progressive initiatives and policies like tax credits, gay civil unions, peace in Northern Ireland, devolution to Scotland and Wales, a massive reduction of children living in poverty and an end to the NHS' Winter crises HAVEN'T just happened. They have happened because there has been a Labour government.

He is simply the finest politician of his generation and I wonder how much some Labour MPs and members will now regret their disgraceful behaviour of the past few weeks.

Puke

If you are about to eat then I would advise against reading this piece from the Washington Times as you may well puke straight afterwards. It's about how George Bush feels 'anguish' about the deaths of US soldiers.

I loathe the way all politicians of all parties use soldiers for party political purposes. They don't give a flying fuck about soldiers, they simply view them as cannon fodder to be used in their unnecessary, illegal, corrupt warmongering. George Bush couldn't give a damn whether 2,000 or 20,000 American troops get killed in Iraq - all he cares about is how the deaths will effect his polling figures. If he had any deceny they wouldn't be there in the first place.

Mark Latham astonishing post politics career continues on its downward path. Today he has written a piece in The Age to promote his new book, which is a compendium of quotes and insults. Choice quote:

One of the saddest things I have seen in my lifetime has been the decline in Australian male culture, the loss of our larrikin language and values. This has been squeezed out of society by a number of powerful influences: the crisis in male identity brought about by changes in the workplace and family unit; the rise of left-feminism in the 1970s and 1980s, with its sanitising impact on public culture; and, more recently, the prominence of neo-conservatism and its timid approach to social behaviour and language. Australian mates and good blokes have been replaced by nervous wrecks, metrosexual knobs and toss-bags. I saw so many of them in politics, from all states, parties and factions. It's the revenge of the nerds, John Howard-style.

Honestly, where to begin? This man stood for election in 2004 as the leader of the Labor Party. No wonder John Howard got voted back in with an increased majority.

Photos

Two photos took my interest on the web today. The first is of Madonna's brand new hair cut and very nice it is too:

The next photo is slightly more alarming. In order to commemorate her husband's death, Jake Kovco's wife has got a lovely tattoo of him slapped on her arm. Delightful.

A bit harsh to pick on a widow granted. But there is simply no excuse for such bad taste.

10 Most Hated Celebrities

The Age publishes a list of the top ten most hated celebrities on its 'Trash Talk' blog today. Two of my favourite gals were featured in the top ten, Britney and Paris. Boo!

To join in the fun here are mine:

1) Tom Cruise
2) Mel Gibson
3) Pete Doherty
4) Kevin Federline
5) Missy Higgins
6) Kelly Clarkson
7) Sandi Thom
8) H from Steps
9) Geri Halliwell
10) Jeremy Clarkson

Stupid people arging over whose imaginary friend is the best.

Unfortunately, I am not surprised in the slightest by the reaction in the Islamic world to Pope Benedict's speech on Friday in which he quoted some old dude saying that Mohammed was a wrong'un - yes, a slightly dumbed down version for sure. But not nearly as dumb as thousands of people protesting violently in the streets because someone dared to quote someone else saying something derogatory about their idol.

Hell, if someone said Madonna was the root of all evil I'd have a few choice words to say back to them but I wouldn't feel the need to burn effigies or murder a nun in retaliation. It is absolutely ridiculous that people cannot handle their imaginary friends being criticized or slandered. If their faith was so strong then surely words like those uttered by the Pope wouldn't bother them and surely they could handle a few insulting cartoons? It is absolutely pathetic, and dismaying, that this nonsense is still taking place in the year 2006.

A couple of things

The Age 'Daily Truth' blog has more on 'Australian Values'. Worth a read...

My UK readers will no doubt be more than familiar with the work of some fucking bird called Sandi Thom. She has only just hit these shores and I have to say her song 'I wish I was a punk rocker' is one of the most hideous, insipid pieces of shite I have heard since Simply Red released 'Fairground'. It's one of those tunes that in my head is up there with listening to someone scrape their nails down a blackboard or hard house.

Some stupid bint from Australian Idol sang it a few weeks ago and I honestly could not believe just how bad the tune was. It is now being played all the time on Australian radio and apparently it is or has been number one. God help us all.

ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

What a load of utter bollocks

And so the 'values' debate rumbles on in Australia. In a society that is largely at peace with itself it seems odd to me that the pollies are talking about it as if there are regular riots on the streets and the islamists are about to tear down the liberal institutions that make this country so 'great' and start raping all the women and stoning people to death for committing adultery.

Today when asked to define Australian values both the PM and Beazley nominated 'mateship' as one of them. Beazley actually went further than Howard and said that mateship is 'uniquely Australian.' Is he actually for real? Surely 'mateship' is one of the most common features of any society in any country in the world? I had loads of English friends in England - I called them 'mates', they called me 'mate'. Well fuck me, it seems that I was deluded the whole time and my friendships with them clearly had nothing on the friendships shared between people in Australia. What a load of absolute bollocks this is. It's good to have shared values but this is ridiculous - surely Australians should be over their identity crisis by now?

The Age blog has more.

Britney has a boy!

As I am sure you are all aware, Britney has had a baby boy.

All I could think about was how that once wonderful midrift of hers must be now destroyed by her selfish maternal instincts. I met a cat a few months ago who was once used for breeding and she had a very floppy belly which hung down and brushed along the floor whenever she walked anywhere. I then had the nightmare vision of Britney being afflicted with the same disfigurement. But then I realised in celebrity land they have plastic surgeons who remove all signs of pregnancy from their bodies.

Hurrah for plastic surgery!

Bored...

God, I have been very poor with my blogging lately haven't I? I think it's because I am so monumentally bored during the day that my enthusiasm for anything is disappearing more and more as each day passes.

Boredom is one of the most frustrating of all emotions. Your whole day turns into a pursuit of ANYTHING to do but because you are so unstimulated it actually reduces your motivation to do anything. The crushing thing is that this will last for about another 10 months before I can do anything about it.

Advice kids - Debt. It's not big (well actually, it's fucking ginormous in my case) and it's not clever.

Labor's woeful policies

Despite announcing a few policies this year that I championed, it is clear to me that the Labor Party stands as much chance of winning next year's federal election as I do of skipping back in time and assassinating Kevin Ferderline before he boned Britney.

The latest pledge from Labor is so poor, so populist and so badly thought out it should be an embarrassment to all those who thought of it. They propose that all visitors into Australia be made to sign a declaration in which they declare respect for Australian 'values' such as mateship, equal rights for women and the rule of law.

I have a problem with this policy for various reasons:

1) It won't stop terrorism. As if an Al Quedia operative, on his way to blow up the Opera House, is going to sign this statement at customs and then suddenly be full of love and respect for the Australian way of life - so much so that he abandons his plan to murder them.

2) It increases the 'us' and 'them' divide. It insinuates that foreigners don't and can't respect another country's laws and traditions when they visit them.

3) Will Labor politicians be willing to sign a similar declaration if they visited say, Saudi Arabia? I sure as hell wouldn't.

Everyone, yes even those dirty foreigners, knows that when you go to another country you shouldn't break the laws of that country. Is there any evidence to suggest that tourists coming into Australia are running around abusing women? Trying to inject Islam into Schools? Trying to destroy 'mateship'?

It's an absolute loads of bollocks. I am all for a greater emphasis on citizenship and a greater focus on the values and morals that bind us together as a society. But this pledge of Labor's is nothing but meaningless symbolism. If this is the best they have, they may as well give up now. Howard must be pissing himself.

Blair's forced exit

I remember walking down Whitehall on the morning of May 2nd 1997, it was a windy but sunny day and there was a feeling of joy and liberation in the air. Finally, finally, we'd got rid of those bastards and someone with compassion, with understanding, with decency, with integrity was about to move into Number 10. Even Tory voters didn't seem that bothered that the party they had been voting for in the last 20 years had been defeated. I strolled down to the gates of Downing Street and waved Tony Blair into his new home. Genuinely elated.

2001, Tony delivered again. Another landslide majority. Another thumping mandate from the British public for the Labour Party.

2005, a lot closer but still a 66 majority.

Blair is, by far, the most electorally successful Labour prime minister of all time. His parliamentary majorities in 1997 and 2001 were bigger than anything Thatcher ever achieved even when Labour were writing the 'longest suicide note in history' back in 1983.

For these reasons it seems perverse to me that his own party is now moving against him. Yesterday, junior minister Tom Watson and 7 parliamentary private Secretaries resigned and have forced Blair to prepare a timetable for his departure, which he announce later today. This is madness. Blair said before the last election that he would go during this term of office, everyone has understood that he will step down next year. Why was there a need to turn this seemingly orderly process into a bloodbath? Voters don't like divided, navel gazing parties. The PPSs that have resigned say that they fear a catastrophic result for Labour in next May's local elections if Blair doesn't go soon. But do they honestly think that the average voter will care? Seems to me that the real issues people will care about will be health, crime, education, immigration and the economy. They will know that Blair intended to go next year and will now punish the party for being too obsessed with itself and not concentrating enough on administering government policies.

I understand the calls for renewal, I understand the twitchiness of those MPs in marginal constituencies but this infighting was completely unnecessary. Those MPs who were elected in 2001, and who signed the letter asking Blair to go, should remember who put them there in the first place.

I've previously said Mr Blair's time is up and I think it is. But after all he has done for the party he should have been allowed a 'dignified' exit. The only people who will benefit from this are the Tories.

Spring is in the air!

It's the first of September today - hurrah! The Winter months are over for us down here in the Southern Hemisphere. It is 23c and sunny in Melbourne today. To put this in perspective for my English readers, this is the equivalent of it being 23c on March 1st in the UK. NEVER. GONNA. HAPPEN.

Melburnians take this all in their stride though and many can still be seen walking the streets wrapped up in big coats and woolly jumpers. Bloody Australians don't get excited until it hits at least 35c. Melburnians sure do enjoy the first warm day of the year post winter but you don't see the hysteria you do in the UK when the thermometer finally smashes through the 19c mark in late April. I guess it's because they know that they have about 8 months of this in store, whereas in the UK it might only last for an absolute maximum of 8 weeks.

Fuck me, I am talking about the weather.

I've been here for nearly two years now.

Could I be more English?

*races off to find nearest pub with people drinking on pavement and looks forward to some early summer sunburn*

Speeding

I got my first ever speeding fine through the post the other day. Now, I'm not going to go off on some wank Jeremy Clarkson 'I'm a selfish, ignorant, boorish twat who thinks I can do anything I like and fuck the rest of the world' rant. Nope. I was caught doing 109kph in a 100kph. Fair cop gov. You got me. I'll pay the $135. I have no complaints, if I hadn't have sped then I wouldn't be getting fined. Simple as that.

One thing that did make me laugh though was the wife. About 30mins after we left the stretch of road on which I was speeding she mentioned that she saw I was speeding for quite a long stretch of the road. I knew I was going about 10kph over the limit but because it was a highway and because everyone else was doing it I wasn't concerned and I never once thought there would be speed cameras on the road considering how detached it was from a residential setting.

Then when the fine landed in our postbox the other day, the wife says to me that the stretch of road I was speeding on is notorious for the amount of speed cameras it has. Gee thanks, Wifey. Why couldn't you have told me this whilst I was actually going 9kph over the speed limit? Pffft.

Bugger, I have turned into Jeremy Cuntson - I'm blaming other people for my mistakes. Still, at least I'm not a fat cunt. Yet.

Bang My Ass.com

I always look at my Stat Counter with a feeling of disappointment at my low readership numbers but also with happiness that at least one person other than the wife is looking at my ramblings.

Anyway, I checked out today from which sites my readers are coming from. I was amused to see the following URL in the list of sites from which people had clicked through to Well, Clearly.

www.google.at/search?hl=de&q=bangmyass&meta=

Mmm...that sounds interesting I thought. I have had an Austrian visitor and they found the site by searching for the term 'bangmyass' on Google Austria. And indeed if you click the link above you'll see little old me 5th down on the list. I can't help but feel that the searcher was maybe a tad disappointed when he clicked on the link and instead of gaping assholes he saw a rant about the Labour Party. hee hee.

Dance music not quite dead yet.

The Guardian's pretentious 'Rock Critic' Alex Petridis wrote a notorious column in 2003 in which he proclaimed that dance music was dying and 'as a youth cult, dance music seems to be in terminal decline. And it has no one to blame but itself.'

Alex was himself a clubber once, and like a lot of people who drift away from clubbing he likes to mock and denigrate the scene that he once held so dear. You know the types and the cliched sayings they come out with: 'It's not as good as it used to be' or 'It's too commercial these days' or 'The music was much better in my day'. Of course, the reality is that the scene is still producing great music and great parties and hundreds of thousands of people are dancing to repetitive beats across the globe, all having a fantastic time.

When you become a jaded clubber due to health reasons, getting too old to cope with Mondays or simply turning into a miserable bastard the easiest way to cope with this loss of hedonistic libido is to blame the scene rather than look at yourself. Once the jadedness sets in, it becomes fashionable to look at everything through a pair of cynic sunglasses (not oversized mind you, you'd look too much like a clubber at Space then) and suddenly it's cooler to sneer than to celebrate.

Anyway, there have been a few articles in the English press that show that Mr Petridis may have been speaking utter bollocks all along. I could never have predicted it personally. I mean surely one man's descent into cynicism provides the ultimate clear headed analysis of the current state of club culture?

Raves are apparently on their way back in the UK and Ibiza is experiencing its busiest season for years. The Observer states that:

A resurgence in the popularity of dance music and the rave culture that has seen nearly all of Ibiza's superclubs, such as Space and Pacha, break records for visitor numbers seems certain to continue for the rest of the summer.

Alex writes in today's Guardian about the sudden increase of illegal raves and Alex, being Alex, puts this down to young people's desire to break away from the corporatist mainstream where every festival is sponsored by a mobile phone company or brewery.

What Alex neglects to mention in his article is that this new movement actually seems to quite enjoy dance music as well. The 'Yoof' seem to be back onboard the good ship Bosh. Well I never. It also appears that increasing numbers of people are willing to fly to Ibiza and spend £30 to get into a club, spent £100's on drinks just to listen to those old, haggered superstar DJs, whom Alex disparaged so much in his 2003 column.

I expect a 'Indie is dead, dance music is the new cool' column in a few weeks Alex. I won't hold my breath though.

Britney Belching

Britney's reputation takes yet another blow as a home video of her has been placed on the web and viewed by millions. The video clip was taken by fuckwit hubbie, Kevin and shows Britney tucking into a feast of chicken and chips, continuously belching whilst she rambles incoherently.

She claims that people have already invented a way of traveling through time just like in Back to the Future. Oh Britney, if only they had invented it and shared it with you. You could then travel back to three years ago and stop yourself shacking up with that parasite Kevin. Maybe you could reverse your decision to break if off from Justin Timberlake, after all you were fit then and Justin would never film you belching would he? If I find out about anyone who has invented a time travelling device I promise I'll point them your way immediately. Think of it as a present from me to you...

Maried Bliss

A good piece from Caitlin Moran in today's Times..

There’s a new book in town that’s getting everyone riled: Guy Thomas Blews’s Marriage & How to Avoid It, which stakes out a bold arena for combat. In a nutshell, Blews’s claim is that a happy marriage is impossible. This is, he asserts, because human beings in general — but, really, when you come down to it, mainly men, grrr, the tigers — are incapable of lifelong relationships. They are compelled, at some point, to voyage out of the stifling environs of the wedding vows and bang that chick in marketing.

The tragedy for both Blews and his argument — which is as old as the hills, and about as sprightly — is that he is such an obviously damaged individual. Those opposing his claims have simply pointed out how uniquely unqualified he is to comment on marriage, rather than attack his actual argument head-on. Really, Blews has had the kind of life that would make anyone eschew the engagement-ring tray at Elizabeth Duke. His parents were locked in a loveless marriage, which he was able to observe only during the summer holidays from his boarding school. Subsequently, when Blews attained his majority, his first lover became so agonised in the final stages of her multiple sclerosis that she blew her head off with a shotgun. In any other age, Blews would probably have abandoned any further attempt at trying to deal with human relationships. He would simply have become a sad-eyed and slightly bitter monk, tending a vat of hyssop liqueur and kicking the priory’s chickens out of the way.

However, in the 21st century, the coping mechanism of the troubled middle classes is slightly different: they come up with a theory about how awful people are and then get a publishing deal. And, so, here we are with Marriage & How To Avoid It, which some cultural commentators (primarily the men’s magazines Nuts and Zoo, albeit that their commentary consists predominantly of “phwoar!”), have hailed as a great truth.

Of course, the concept that a man simply cannot be satisfied with a mere, single woman is ancient. The Greeks thought that men couldn’t be satisfied with women, full stop, and that they would have to flee into the bed of another man to have a decent relationship. The idea of homosexuality as a solution isn’t, oddly and sadly, much touted in modern society, but the theory behind it — that men must roam from the home — is still the same. It’s an idea that is always announced a little proudly. Men’s “natural physical urges” are “so strong” that they “cannot control themselves”. Men, of course, wouldn’t look proud of a single other “natural physical urge” “so strong” that they “cannot control” it — such as soiling their pants, or succumbing to sleep at the wheel of the car and being smashed to death under a lorry. Such a theory also ignores that if it’s by and large a “natural urge” for men to be unfaithful, then it’s also by and large a “natural urge” for their wives and children to wish them to be not unfaithful.

Men may very well be more prone to unfaithfulness. But then, women are more prone to investing too much in a relationship and subsequently becoming resentful and boorish. Both traits are equally likely to break up a marriage. But no one is advocating that women’s neediness is also a “natural urge” that can’t be controlled. Indeed, women tend to acknowledge their weaknesses, and subsequently buy tedious self-help books on the subject by the dozen. Interestingly, the self-help section in my local bookshop carries no books about curing infidelity aimed at men. This is, presumably, because the kind of men who buy into this theory of monogamy being impossible would rather exhaust themselves in persuading a sceptical humanity that their vices are irrevocable “natural urges” rather than simply to try to become better human beings.

While luck and synchronicity do play a part in it, the simple truth is that a happy, lifelong marriage tends to be the result of sheer hard work on both sides. Blews is a good-looking, charming man in his mid-thirties who is unlikely to see the value in a deal that involves selflessness, biting your tongue, minding your manners, repeatedly rejecting the heady thrill of a flirtation, and remembering to never, ever talk during a rerun of Moonlighting — not when he could be banging the chick from marketing, anyway.

But surely, at some point, he must ponder what the results of his theory will be. For myself, I can think of few things more aspirational than an old couple holding hands. That speaks of a lifetime of jokes, shags, winks, kids, secretly slagging off the neighbours, 52 Christmas trees, and crying with laughter at a some terrible new haircut.

Blews’s touted alternative, by comparison, does not seem like anything to wish for. For while society might still have a sneaking regard for the rampant stag, ultimately it dislikes a weak, priapic, sybaritic old goat in a Bath chair.

Coke is for losers

Paul MacInnes of the Guardian, writes that Cocaine is losing its status as the 'cool' drug to take as the lead singer from the seriously uncool band, Keane, has checked into rehab due an addiction.

I've become more and more anti-cocaine as the years have gone by. There is not a single person who becomes a nicer, more interesting person on it than off it and it has caused more medical problems to friends of mine than any other drug ( and this despite it being taken in lower quantities than the other drugs). Ecstasy can increase your confidence, it inspires squishy niceness and empathy. LSD can expand your mind (apparently). Ketamine turns you into a child. Dope makes you eat lots of cookies. Coke turns you into a cunt. Nuff said.

Keep the UK secular!

I read with utter dismay that Ruth Kelly, the UK Government's 'Community Minister', is requesting that a new government appointed commission consider a request from Muslim leaders in the UK that Muslim festivals become bank holidays.

Only three of the UK's current bank holidays fall on religious days - Christmas Day, Good Friday and Easter Monday. The rest are secular days.

One of the reasons, I believe, that the UK has such an integration problem between it's disparate groups of people is that the creed of multiculturalism has always been placed higher than an emphasis on shared and common values. This has led to race and religious ghettos springing up across the country from Bradford to Leicester. We need to break down divisions between groups NOT increase the divides. If Muslims are allowed to take off their religious festivals as bank holidays what is to stop Jewish people doing the same or Hindus or Siks or Buddhists? It would be chaos and would further increase the 'us and them' culture. Britain needs LESS religious segregation not more. If Muslims, or any other religious group, want to have days off for religious festivals then they can use their annual leave.

The UK is a secular country which has its traditions in Christianity. It is as simple as that. If any more bank holidays are introduced they should be secular in nature and capable of uniting the whole country - they should not be introduced by the Government as a sop to the Muslim community because the government is worried about them being pissed off.

If people want Sharia Law and days off for religious festivals maybe they would be better off moving to countries where these practices exist. They have no place in secular Britain.

Labour drops to 19 year low

The Guardian today has the (not so?) shocking news that Labour's support in the latest ICM opinion poll stands at a 19 year low of 31%. The Tories, meanwhile, have risen to the magic mark of 40% and it now looks like the election in 2009 will be a very close affair.

The reason for this fall in support appears to be down to UK foreign policy. Only 1% of respondents thought that the government's foreign policy had made the country safer. That is a damning indictment of the policies that Blair and New Labour have been advocating over the past 5 years.

Even though I have not been living in the UK for two years I remain a loyal Labourite. I am opposed to most of Blair's foreign policy agenda but I think domestically they have done pretty much what they said they would - they have reduced poverty, introduced a minimum wage, increased democracy in the UK via devolution to Wales & Scotland, achieved a peace (of sorts) in Northern Ireland, reduced crime, introduced civil unions, increased spending for the NHS and education and seem to be sorting out public transport. That is a record to be proud of in my opinion, the tragedy for Blair is that his term in office will be defined by the utter mess in Iraq and his slavish devotion to George W Bush - his legacy will be one of reckless foreign adventures and an increasing terror threat to the UK.

We should not change our foreign policy because the risk of terrorist attacks has increased - that would be ridiculous, the UK cannot be blackmailed by a tiny extremist minority. But we should change our foreign policy because it is wrong, immoral and deeply damages the UK's national interest. It's time to change course Mr Blair.

Party Poopers

The party poopers are out in force today on The Guardian...

Charlie Brooker laments the very concept of parties whilst Jeremy Langmead bemoans 40 something drug takers.

Funny reading from both.

Hero & Villian

Hero of the day award goes to Judith Troeth, whose courageous decision to vote against the government's proposed migration amendments has meant that John Howard withdrew the bill from the senate rather than watch it be defeated. Hurrah for Judith - nice to see that there are still conservative MPs out there with integrity, decency and compassion. The Age has an interview with her here

Villian of the day goes to Don Randall who disgracefully linked the migration amendment bill with terrorism. He said:

The majority of Australians want tough border security. When you see what happened in the UK over the last week, it sends a very strong message to those pandering to the minorities in the Australian electorate.

Don't let the facts get the way of your argument Don! The alleged terrorists in the UK are all UK born and all have UK citizenship - they didn't arrive in the UK as 'boat people' fleeing persecution. No one is suggesting that the borders be open but people who are, genuinely, fleeing persecution do have the right to make applications for asylum and do have the right to appeal against any decision made - that's a fundamental right of anyone in a supposed liberal democracy. Sure, they are stay in Australia during the appeal process, but I don't think they are going to do much harm whilst locked up in detention are they? I hope the Australian people don't fall for his despicable scaremongering.

Round Up

So, I've suffered from bloggers block again it appears! But there have been some interesting things that have gone on over the past few days. Some worthy of a 'Yay' for sure!

If you are a sad bastard like me with an interest in US politics, and you are of the liberal left anti-war section of society, then you'll be very pleased to know that Democrat warmonger Joe Lieberman has been defeated in his primary which was held in Connecticut yesterday. Hurrah! Read more here

My hero of the day award (which I am going to start today) goes to multiple winners: Liberal MPs Petro Georgiou, Judi Moylan, Russell Broadbent, Bruce Baird and Judith Troeth - all of whom are courageously standing up to the government over its outrageous new asylum laws which have been bought in to appease Indonesia. Let's hope they all have courage of their convictions and follow through on their threats to cross the floor in the upcoming vote.

Johann Harri, of London's Independent, has written a superb column on why the British Right hates the UK so much. I've been meaning to write a blog on exactly this for a while but never got round to it. So, now Johann has done it I can be lazy and point you here to read it!

A big boo goes to Telstra for pulling out of their plan to build a super fast broadband network in Australia. But then again, what do I care? I have ADSL2+ anyway. The only people who are going to miss out are those living in the bush and quite frankly fuck em! If you decide to live in the middle of nowhere then you really shouldn't expect to receive super fast broadband. End of.

Oh, and Melanie Phillips replied to my email with a very curt 'Thank you for your comments, Melanie'. Thanks Mel! :)

Ecstasy

Rarely, if ever, is the drugs issue in the UK (or Australia) debated sensibly without misinformation, scare tactics and prejudice. But sanity does appear to be emerging in the drugs debate in the UK - a parliamentary committee there has been looking at the way that the UK classifies drugs and has found, surprise surprise, that the categories are based more on policy than on hard empirical science. You have the ludicrous situation in the UK where Ecstasy and Mushrooms are in the same class as Heroin and Cocaine. This simply makes a mockery of the whole system as it simply does not have any credibility.

The committee of MPs asked a panel of scientists, psychologists and experts to put drugs (including alcohol and tobacco) in order according to their real harm. Heroin and Cocaine came out at the top, as expected, but probably the biggest 'surprise' was that ecstasy was classified as the third least harmful drug - way behind tobacco and alcohol. Of course, those of us in the real world have known this for some time and have long argued that ecstasy should be downgraded, hell even David Cameron has floated the idea of downgrading it (no doubt because he used to take it in his wild days).
















I welcome this new approach to drug classification but remain extremely sceptical about it being implemented by the Home Secretary, John Reid. After all, governments of all colours have never allowed facts to get in the way of drugs policy so why will anything change now? Ecstasy will remain a class A drug alongside Heroin and people whom the government targets anti-drug campaigns at will continue to laugh at the ludicrous drug laws that exist.

Australia

PS - Please do not mistrue my comments in my email to Melanie Philips as being some kind of anti-Australian rant. They aren't. I love Australia and I love Melbourne - I was merely trying to tell Ms Philips that Australia is not the land of milk and honey like she thinks it is. It has its own problems just like any country does...

Mad Mel loves Howard

Mad Mel from the Daily Mail has penned a lovely tribute to John Howard in her column this week. I felt strangely compelled to write to her to take her to task over the outrageously one sided argument she presents. Here is her column and below is my email...

Melanie,

You write in your Daily Mail column that Mr Howard, the PM of Australia, is a phenomenally successful PM. He has been PM of Australia for 10 years, Tony Blair will be PM of the UK for 10 years next year – will you be writing a similarly congratulatory and fawning column about his success come May 1^st next year? No, thought not.

What you neglect to mention in your column is how utterly inept the opposition is here in Australia, how Howard only won by the skin of his teeth in 2001 (due to the ‘Tampa’ incident.) You don’t mention how people have been locked up for EIGHT years in detention centres waiting for their claims to be processed, how the poor of Australia now subsidise the lifestyle choices of the middle classes, how aboriginals have a life expectancy of some TWENTY years below that of white Australians, how Australia has interest rates of 3% above the UK, how rich students in Australia are allowed to gain entry into courses with entry marks LOWER than other students. You didn’t mention any of this – why should you, it doesn’t fit into your ludicrously one sided perspective on the topic? Sure, Mr Howard has been extremely successful electorally, but as someone who is always banging on about morals you should realise that his electoral successes have come on the back of an alarming lack of morality, compassion and empathy. Australia does have a strong community spirit and is confident in it’s own identity (most of the time) and these things do contribute towards a more stable society (as does it’s more egalitarian make up) but Mr Howard is trying to destroy the very society he wishes existed by ramming through divisive new labour market laws – which has meant that Australia now has a less regulated labour market than the US! Rampant individualism is growing here and is replacing the bonding and ‘mateship’ that has made Australia into a peaceful, functioning society. When Howard’s generation grow up then expect Australia to quickly slide as happened in the UK when Thatcher’s ‘me first’ generation became the dominant force in society.

You talk about Mr Howard being against welfare but he has actually MASSIVELY increased the welfare state in Australia by extending it to the middle classes – the welfare state is now not just a safety net for those at the bottom but a payment system in which payments go to people & families in Australia that conform to his ideal of a ‘good’ lifestyle. My tax money goes to people who don’t need it just so they can send their children to private school. That’s the problem with conservatives – they say they don’t believe in nanny governments, but they clearly do. If the government is funding lifestyle choices they approve of then they are all for it. Give money to the feckless poor though and it’s a different matter. It’s the same all over the world.

As an aside, do you ever get tired of being so angry? The world really isn’t that bad Mel. Enjoy it J

Shaun