So, I wasted 2 hours of my life and $20 of my wife's money by going to the cinema and watching the new Woody Allen film Match Point (the 'best film he's made for a very long time' according to David Stratton from ABC's At The Movies) at the weekend.

Now, I am not a film snob - I have remarkably philistine tastes when it comes to the big screen, I am easily pleased. Hell, I even liked Love Actually for christsakes. But every now and again there comes along a film that is is so mind-numbingly, bowel achingly bad that even I don't like it!

The plot revolves around an Irish tennis coach (Jonathan Rhys Meyers) who marries into an English Upper Class family and has an affair with a struggling American Actress (Scarlett Johanssen). When the affair with Scarlett Johansson looks like it will destroy his place within the upper classes he takes drastic action. (I won't ruin the plot as some of you may still see it I guess...please don't though...you'll never forgive yourself).

You know you're onto a loser in a film when within the first 5 minutes of it your film going partner leans over and says 'his [Jonathan Rhys Meyers] acting is shocking', I mean surely it should take at least 10-15 minutes to formulate such an opinion but no it was there for all to see the second he started speaking. I mean this guy is meant to be Irish but sounds more like a home counties cunt who has been on a few stag parties to Dublin. Jesus.

Is Jonathan Rhys Meyers Irish? I have no idea having never heard of him before. He speaks throughout the film in that loud whisper way, all earnest and whimpering. Urgh. The acting from all is diabolical but Scarlett Johansson at least attempts to act during parts of it and looks divine throughout. The bint who plays Meyer's wife is one of the most irritating characters I've seen in a film since Jar Jar Binks appeared on Star Wars.

The dialogue is consistently cringeworthy with several lines making me physically squirm in my seat, at times people laughed out loud in the cinema but this is a film that has no intentionally funny lines so I could only guess that they (like me) were laughing at the sheer FUCKMETHISISRUBBISHness of it all.

I would guess that Woody Allen has spent about 12 minutes in the presence of English people before if this is seriously how he thinks they behave and speak. Do English Upper Class people really call their father 'papa'???

The plot itself is a feasible one but the pace of the film completely lets it down. The first half is way too slow and the second half is way too fast with Meyers turning from someone who wants to spend the rest of his life with Johansson to someone who wants to kill her. IT IS LUDICROUS. Other parts of the story simply do not ring true. Can someone who has NO experience in the financial sector be put into a senior job just because they are fucking the MD's daughter? Would someone who worked at a desk in an open plan office have a fucking chaffeur? How can someone earning fuck all in shop afford to rent a flat in Notting Hill? Would the police give up on persuing a line in a murder case just because someone has asked them not to for fear of his wife finding out about his affair? Etc etc

It is impossible to emphasize with any of the characters because of two reasons:
1) They are either posh twats
or
2) They are cunts

In the end you just couldn't care less about the sorry lot of them. The only thing you care about is the fact that you will never get the 2 hours of your life back that you wasted watching this travesty of a movie.