OMG

Honestly. Where do I begin?

I was going to pen a piece today about my new haircut. I beat Britney to a short back and sides last week when I got my hair cut down to a grade 2 all over. This for me was a surefire sign that I am getting old - no longer is the style important, I just want something easy, manageable and practical. ARRRRGGGHHH! I'm 28 going on 60. I feel like growing it back into a style just so I don't succumb to the inevitable descent into an eternal quest to find styles and clothes that are practical, easy to wash and hard wearing.

My new hair cut:

Anyway, I was going to talk about that at length. But then someone else gets a very short hair cut and my fear of ageing too quickly pales into insignificance compared to someone who appears to be on the edge of a nervous breakdown.



At this point it would be very easy for Britney fans to throw in the towel - we excused the flashing of the flaps saga, we winced as she dropped her children, we felt pity as she married the biggest loser in the world and we sympathised as she put on weight. But this latest saga takes the cake. It's clear that Britney is hurtling towards rehab quicker than Kirsty Ally regaining weight after going on a crash diet.

These are dark days for Britney admirers but stick with it people, she will come out the otherside. And if she doesn't, hey at least we have the memories. *sob*

Oh dear. Brtiney aint looking good at the moment.

This headline from a TMZ.com article says it all: 'Did Britney Blow Chunks?'

Nice.

Stupid People Get Run Over. Let's ban iPods!

OK - so yesterday I had a good old rant about Motorists and their incessant tirades against the 'nanny state'.

Well today I came across a proposal that really is an example of nanny statism gone mad. And yes, I realise I already sound like a Daily Mail article. You know the kind: 'I was prosecuted for calling a black man a n*gger, it's political correctness gone MAD I tell you!

In the good ol'US of A, like here in Australia, people aren't trusted to walk across the road based on their own judgement and reasoning - they are fined if they don't act like good little sheep and obey the green and red lights at pedestrian crossings.

Now, some fuckwits have crossed the road in New York with their iPods on and they've been run over. Run over because they obviously weren't looking properly whilst making the journey from one pavement to the other. They didn't die because they were listening to their iPods - they died because they were fucking stupid and didn't look out for cars. So what's the "solution" to this "problem"? I'd say there was no problem, it's natural selection in action. But no, something other than their own stupidity MUST be to blame so New York City Council are proposing that people get fined if they listen to their iPod earphones whilst crossing the road.

MY GOD.

What the fuck is going on here? Surely walkmans and portable music devices have been around for over 20 years - what is it about iPod usage that so enrages the legislators whom seem hellbent to enshrine laws against their use. THIS IS MADNESS.

Luckily, in Australia the proposal has been dismissed by the NSW police chief who the Age report "warned against legislating for "stupidity".

Quite.

McClaren must go!

So, the scandal that is Steve McClaren holding the position of England coach continues with yet another pisspoor performance.

I predict England will lose or draw in Israel in March and we'll be waving Steve a very eager goodbye. And not before time.

War on motorists! Where do I sign up?

Motorists. What a funny bunch of people they are. I am one myself but think of myself as completely detached from the ever increasing number of them who doing nothing but moan about the 'restrictions' that are placed on their 'right' to drive as they wish.

How many times have you read or heard someone banging on about the 'outrage' that are speed cameras or the 'outrage' that is having your car clamped? How many times? I'm guessing fuck loads. What they seemingly fail to realise is that if you DON'T speed or DON'T park in illegal parking spots then guess what? You won't get fined, you won't get a points penalty on your license, you won't ultimately lose your license. It's not hard is it? It's like every other law of the land. You break it, you suffer the consequences.

Now, you can protest against these laws and try and get them overturned but whilst they are in effect you have to realise that you will be punished if caught. If you don't speed or drink drive or park illegally you won't get wound up by yet another demand for a fine payment dropping through your letterbox. It's the actions of the individual that cause them to get wound up by the 'nanny state' NOT the Government which is merely trying to enforce the law. Speed Cameras are only revenue machines IF people speed. If everyone obeyed the speed limit then there would be no revenue. It's really quite simple. If the militant motorists out there really wanted to protest against the Government then the most logical thing would be for them to STOP speeding so that the Government revenue then dries up. Everyone is then a winner, drivers aren't fined, people aren't killed by irresponsible drivers and I can stop listening to people moaning about the government's 'War on Motorists'

I have been caught speeding before and was fined. I paid the fine. And that was that. I cannot argue against the fine - I was going 10k over the limit. Fair cop guv, you got me.

It seems to me that motorists who cannot take responsibility for their actions are every bit as bad as those people who sue councils because they trip over a twig on the street or those people who sue MacDonalds because they have got fat through eating 20 burgers a day. The government only has to act like a nanny if people act like children. Act responsibly and there'd be no need for speed cameras on every corner.

The Rage Returns

If you live and work in London eventually you'll experience what I call 'The Rage'. It occurs when you use public transport in an attempt to get to and from work. When you first arrive in the Capital you are amazed that tubes run every 5 minutes and that public transport can be accessed from all the important parts of London, Hackney and South East London being the unimportant parts, obviously.

Then after using the service for a year or so something starts to change within you. The Rage starts to grow and grow - every time there is a cancellation, every time you feel more penned in than a battery hen, every time you hand over £75 a month to use the pisspoor service, every time someone pukes over the seats after a 'eavy night up West, every time you lose your bodyweight in sweat because there is no air conditioning on the train, every time the train gets stuck in the tunnel between Camden and Kentish Town for no discernible reason, every time the rail unions decide to go on strike again, every time you look on the web and find out a return from London to Manchester costs £200, every time you think 'fuck this I'll get a car' and realise there's nowhere to park, petrol costs £1 a litre and you have to pay £8 to drive into your own city centre etc etc etc you get the idea.

The Rage builds and builds and slowly consumes you. Not only are you paying through the nose for this daily torture but you are losing your dignity as you are shuttled around one of the World's greatest cities in conditions that would be illegal for livestock. You start the day pissed off, you end the day pissed off. It's not a healthy state of affairs. And I for one, was glad to leave it behind and say good riddance to The Rage.

Then I came to Melbourne and became a daily commuter on the city's rail network operated by Connex. Yes, Connex. The same company that used to run the South East train franchise in the UK and got stripped of its license because its service was so appalling.

However, the service in Melbourne seemed a world removed from that in England. In my experience 99% of trains ran on time and were not too packed, air conditioned and not full of marauding nutters. Until this month.

Suddenly trying to catch a train is like playing the lottery, only you have more chance of winning the lottery than your train actually running on time. At Flinders Street, one of Melbourne's major train stations, there is no information at all regarding cancellations or delays. You just have to stand there waiting and hoping. Everyday since 2nd January the trains have been completely fucked.

The first few days of this caused me minor anguish but then I felt it from the pit of my stomach. The Rage was returning. An unwelcome reminder of times past stood on a platform hearing the omonious announcement about 'signal failures'. It was back. Arrrgggghhhhh. Thanks Connex, you utter cunts for bringing The Rage back into my life. I thought it was banished forever but no, it was still there lying in wait for me. Will I ever be free?

People in glasshouses.

If there's one thing the Melbourne press like more than a pathetic Melbourne V Sydney story it's a beat up on football (that's "soccer" football) over its hooligan 'problem'. If a fan at a football ground is seen so much as contorting his face in anger, guaranteed it'll be all over the front pages of The Age and the Herald Scum with some outraged reporter breathlessly banging on about how violence and football are intertwined yada yada yada. It's so utterly fucking predictable.

I bet you didn't know that 190 fans were ejected from the MCG during one day of the test cricket but this barely got a mention in the press, whereas if that was at a Melbourne Victory game it would be headline news.

This week saw the emergence of a strange new phenomena in sport - crowd disturbances at the tennis. 150 fans were ejected after fights broke out between rival gangs of ethnically based groups - Serbians and Croatians. Now you would think that this would show that hooliganism is based on age old ethnic hatreds, too many young lads with too much testosterone and a healthy dose of right wing nationalism. In short, it has nothing to do with football.

But no, The Age couldn't report this problem without mentioning football hooliganism, over and over again. They ran an op-ed piece by an absolute fuckwit called John Weldon who moaned on about the intimidating atmosphere at Wembley when he saw England play Germany in the football there and says...

I was taken back to September 2000 and the last ever game played at Wembley Stadium. England was playing Germany and after having stood outside in the rain for hours, I'd finally scored a ticket and was inside. All my life I'd watched games at Wembley on TV, hoping that one day I might actually get there. And there I was, watching Beckham and co go down 1-0, but instead of enjoying the game I sat there saddened, wishing I was back home in Australia instead of in that ground full of racism and hatred, full of chants about who won the war, mock Hitler salutes, Irish-hating songs, full of spite, full of vitriol.

I wanted to go home to a place where I could sit next to an opposition fan, or a fan from another country, without either of us having to hate each other.

Obviously I can understand why he wanted to get back to Australia as it's a peaceful multicultural rainbow of a country where all the ethnic groups hold hands and the whites love everyone - especially those Wogs (how cool is it that Greek and Italian people have accepted what we want to call them?! Bless.)

But then he goes to the tennis and sees fighting between the Croats and the Serbs (let's conveniently ignore the fact that most of them were born or raised in Australia) and he despairs. Poor John. He says...

I lost them [the people fighting] as they drifted deeper into the square, but I haven't yet lost the sickened feeling they gave me. I can still see the massed thousands throwing the Nazi salute across the terraces at Wembley, and I'm still haunted by that feeling of wanting to go home, but after this I'm not sure where home is any more.

Yeah, because acts of racism and ethnic bashing have never been perpetrated in Australia before have they John? True blue Aussies would never act in such a despicable manner would they? Those bloody Europeans coming over here in their football shirts, being racist and fighting. It's un-Australian. I tell you!

Old Ex-President dies. And?

Can anyone explain to me why the death of Gerald Ford is so significant in Australia? It's been prominent on all the TV News bulletins here including those on Channels 7,9 and 10 which usually feature little or no news outside of greater Melbourne. So what if an old, ex-one term US president has died??? - what has that to do with Australia exactly? It should merely merit a brief mention at the end of the news along with an update on Moggy the cat in Coburg who is still stuck up a tree. As the US slowly takes over the world, its news is becoming our news. Joy.

Sandi Thom Bombs

Severe lack of postings I know. I've been hosting a parental visit to these shores so my time for witterings about Britney et al has been limited. Full service will resume tomorrow.

In the meatime here's something to cheer you up, proof that just occasionally there is justice in this world:

Supposed internet sensation Sandi Thom did a
free myspace gig in Melbourne. Only 25 people
turned up. Sandi didn't go on stage. Instead
it was announced she had been taken ill.

(HT: Popbitch)

Leave her alone!

Apparently there is a bit of Britney backlash going on at the moment amongst her fans regarding her partying antics with Ms Hilton and her seeming inability to wear panties.

Can't say I am one of those who finds her behaviour repellent - yeah sure she has kids, but pfft to them quite frankly. I'm sure they've got a perfectly capable nanny looking after them. Who cares?

What do these people want? Do they want her to return to the life of domestic drudgery she led with Kevin? No way. All Britney fans should be pleased that she has shaped up and taken up her lapsed membership of the hedonists club again. Think about it - do we want to see Britney in baggy clothes or in sexy dresses with her minge showing? Clearly there is no option (well, maybe sexy dresses WITH knickers would be better but hey, beggars can't be choosers).

All those who are jumping good ship Britney seem to be confused. Surely they didn't love her originally for her svelte sophistication, her intelligence and her business nous? Surely they all loved the bad girl, trailer park trash spirit within her? Well people she's now fully embracing that side of her personality and it's all hanging out, literally.

Let her have her 'I've just filed for divorce and I'm going to get hammered' phase. It'll pass. Her and Paris will fall out. She'll start releasing songs again and being successful. And the only lips we'll see will be those that are singing.

More of Britney's beaver

Except it's not. She is clearly wearing underwear.

Pffft

Britney gets her beaver out.

Dear Lord.

Britney seems to keep forgetting to put her knickers on. Click here.

Definitely NOT suitable for work!

Hugh Muir, of the Guardian, write a good piece today about British whingeing about the Olympics. Bravo!

Sentenced

The two men convicted of the murder of Thomas ap Rhys Pryce, which I discussed yesterday, have been sentenced to between 17 and 21 years in prison, minimum. They still have expressed no remorse for the hideous crime they have committed and have shown no sympathy towards the devastated relatives and fiance of Thomas ap Rhys Pryce.

You can read Adele Eastman's (Tom's fiancee) victim statement here - truly heartbreaking stuff. Adele Eastman is putting her grief and sorrow to good use and has set up the Tom ap Rhys Pryce Memorial Trust - money donated to it will be used to enable individuals, who could not otherwise afford it, to achieve their potential by gaining access to appropriate educational facilities. If this trust can only save one more future Tom ap Rhys Pryce then it will be a success.

Crossing the road

Martin Samuel pens a good rant in today's Times about the laws against jaywalking that exist here in Australia. Now lots of people like ranting about the 'nanny state' but in reality they simply are yearning for a world in which they can do as they please regardless of the consequences for others. However, I must join the antagonists of the nanny statists in condemning laws that seek to prevent adults crossing the roads when and as they see fit. We all grew up to learn the green cross code - look right, look left erm...erm...err. Oh well whatever it was, it's been hard wired into my head so that I know myself when it is sensible to cross a road and when it is sensible to wait.

For some reason, governments in Australia have decided that we can't be trusted to perform this most basic of cognitive functions and if we dare cross the road in the city away from a pedestrian crossing with a green man flashing we could be fined $100. Ah, Western freedom - what a wonderful thing it is! The sad thing is that so many people just blindly accept this patronising nonsense and duly stand at crossings wasting away their lives waiting for the lights to change - even when the nearest car is about 210km away. I love the look on people's faces when I walk out without *gasp* waiting for the lights to change. Honestly, judging by some people's expressions you would think that I had been convicted of raping the rotting corpse of Princess Diana rather than just having a belligerent attitude to local laws regarding road usage.

Councils and governments continually seek to legislate to prevent 'accidents' happening. The problem with this approach is that very few of these 'accidents' are real accidents. They are acts of carelessness or stupidity and you can't legislate against that no matter how hard you try.

I've never been a member of the 'string em up and flog em brigade'. I firmly believe that prison should be used primarily to rehabilitate people rather than to punish them. But sometimes people commit crimes that are so callous, so evil and so heartless that the perpetrators should be permanently denied liberty. This is one of those cases where the convicted should spent the rest of their lives locked up - everyone makes choices in life, if you make a choice that these two blokes did then society can also make a choice - to end your liberty for good. This is one of those rare cases where life should mean life.

Paris and Britney

New Weekly reports that Britney and Paris are new best friends and 'friends' of Britney are worried about Paris' influence on her. One of my favourite quotes from the article is:

The dishevelled duo posed for photographs throughout the night, images that document Britney's transformation from presentable mum-of-two to knickerless drunk.

Eh? 'Presentable mum-of-two'? When exactly was that? Just before Sean cracked his skull or just after she nearly dropped him in front of photographers whilst carrying a glass (of booze?) in her other hand? Or was it whilst she was driving with him on her lap? Let's face it, she has never been a presentable mum - and nor do we want her to be.

I reckon Madonna should pack David back to Malawi and sweep into Malibu Beach and adopt Britney's two babies. Her noble actions will save Britney a whole lot of babysitter fees which she can put to good use and spend whilst out partying with Paris. Problem solved. Sure David will be back to a life of subsistence but Britney will be free to be Britney and surely that is a more worthwhile cause to support?

MX Beer

It's all too easy and all too unoriginal to point to the increasing trivialisation of news that we see in the tabloid press and on the television every day. But never one to pass up an easy and obvious target I thought I would bring to your attention to the front cover of Melbourne's MX 'news'paper which was published yesterday. MX, for my English readers, is the Australian equivalent of thelondonpaper - a brief read for the journey home after work.

Now free papers are not known for the investigative journalism or their in-depth analysis but MX manages to plumb new depths of inanity with its sections, 'Boring but important' - a single column where all the real news of the day goes, and 'Doom and Gloom', where you'll find information about the Iraq war, earthquakes and other disasters.

But hey, it's only meant for a 20 minute train ride and there is nothing wrong with inanity after a hard day's slog at the office. But yesterday it reached levels of triviality that even I could not have forseen.

We've just had a state election here in Melbourne. Being English I'd never experienced an election of this level before and its safe to say that it wasn't exactly the most exciting political competition I have ever witnessed. I think voting in a state election is rather like the staff at ACME Paper Ltd voting for who should be the next middle manager in charge of the admin department. Sure, there might be a slight variation in paperclip policy but the overall thrust of the political climate and country is still controlled by the CEO and Director, messrs Howard and Costello. Anyway, to those who don't know, the Labor Party won and so even though it was only a state election I took great satisfaction in seeing the Liberals get a kicking - hurrah!

Anyway, I digress. Now, in fairness to federalism there were some reasonably important issues at the election - water, education, health, how many paperclips should be ordered etc. So what did MX decide to splash on their front page after Labor's historic third term victory? The fact that the Liberal vote increased by a paltry 0.2%? No. The fact that Labor won by such a margin that it looks likely they'll be in office till 2014? No.

This is what MX put on their front page:


Yes, the front page the day after the election concentrates on what really matters - what beer is the Victorian premier Steve Bracks drinking? Oh my god! It's from New South Wales - now there's a hot scoop, hold the press! Why bother publishing any proper news regarding the election when we can simply trot out yet another spin on that boring, done before, please please god make it stop, story about the rivalry between Melbourne V Sydney. Now there's an original thought.

I meanwhile will continue to bring my readers a diverse range of cutting analysis and insight. Watch out for my next post - Britney and Paris in lesbian romp! Now, that's original!

Popes are going to hell

Catholics. Dontcha just love 'em?

News has leaked today that the church is considering relaxing its ban on condom use but only for situations in which the two shaggers are married and one of them has AIDS. Gee, thanks Popee!

According to the Guardian article:

Pope Benedict XVI's "health minister" is understood to be urging him to accept that in restricted circumstances - specifically the prevention of Aids - barrier contraception is the lesser of two evils.

Now, read that again. The Health minister believes that wearing a condom is a lesser evil than someone contracting a fatal disease because their church is so sexually repressed it cannot deal with people wanting to have sex for fun.

So, it's the lesser of two evils for the church to stop preventing married people getting AIDS but completely OK for the church to condemn unmarried and gay people to their deaths because having sex before marriage and having gay boy sex is of course more of an evil than being infected with, and dying from, AIDS.

Hello?! I admit this it is encouraging to see even the smallest step in the right direction from the church but this slight liberalisation of the doctrine shows fundamentally what a backward, immoral, heartless and yes evil organisation the Catholic Church is. They are happy to see millions of people die every year because of their pathetic inability to come to terms with people wanting to have sex outside of procreation. If there is a hell then both Popes Benedict and John Paul II deserve a place in it for the misery, disease and death they have done nothing to prevent during the 20th and 21st centuries. It is utterly shameful and another sorry indictment of the poisonous influence organised religion has on this fragile world of ours.

Olympics cost a lot - WORLD EXCLUSIVE!

If there is one thing that the British are world experts in it is viewing the glass as perpetually half empty. Everything must be viewed from a cynical, why bother perspective. Everything is going to the dogs. Everything is a waste of time/money/effort.

So it is depressingly predictable that a chorus of professional whingers have started to bang on about the cost of London hosting the games in 2012. Let's put all the positives to one side and let's concentrate on the bad stuff. It's going to cost more than we thought it would. Yawn.

Guess what folks? Hosting the Olympics costs lots of money. Eye watering amounts in fact. Whoopee do. Big news. Hold the front page! We knew this before we won the bid. Does anyone seriously think it was ever going to come in on budget?? Purlease!

In all other countries in the world, the hosting of the Olympics would be seen as a great source of national pride, a time to unite together and be positive and get behind your own country. But no, not in the UK where people have been desperate, since the day the bid was won, for this project to go slightly off the rails so that they can say 'ner ner told you so, we should never have bothered'. When the games are on, they'll be there hiding in the corners hoping for something to go wrong so that their pathetic negativity can be proved 'right'.

Sure the budgetary process should be rigorous but let's not let the naysayers get in the way of what will be a great games and, possibly more importantly, a new beginning for the most deprived parts of London. Optimists of the UK should get ready to dish out a huge dose of 'I told you so' at the end of the closing ceremony in 2012 but amid the celebrations there'll no doubt be people moaning about the cost of the food at the stadium or the tubes being full on the way home or the fireworks being too loud. Of course something will be wrong - there always bloody is isn't there?

Pffft.