Sandi Thom Bombs

Severe lack of postings I know. I've been hosting a parental visit to these shores so my time for witterings about Britney et al has been limited. Full service will resume tomorrow.

In the meatime here's something to cheer you up, proof that just occasionally there is justice in this world:

Supposed internet sensation Sandi Thom did a
free myspace gig in Melbourne. Only 25 people
turned up. Sandi didn't go on stage. Instead
it was announced she had been taken ill.

(HT: Popbitch)

Leave her alone!

Apparently there is a bit of Britney backlash going on at the moment amongst her fans regarding her partying antics with Ms Hilton and her seeming inability to wear panties.

Can't say I am one of those who finds her behaviour repellent - yeah sure she has kids, but pfft to them quite frankly. I'm sure they've got a perfectly capable nanny looking after them. Who cares?

What do these people want? Do they want her to return to the life of domestic drudgery she led with Kevin? No way. All Britney fans should be pleased that she has shaped up and taken up her lapsed membership of the hedonists club again. Think about it - do we want to see Britney in baggy clothes or in sexy dresses with her minge showing? Clearly there is no option (well, maybe sexy dresses WITH knickers would be better but hey, beggars can't be choosers).

All those who are jumping good ship Britney seem to be confused. Surely they didn't love her originally for her svelte sophistication, her intelligence and her business nous? Surely they all loved the bad girl, trailer park trash spirit within her? Well people she's now fully embracing that side of her personality and it's all hanging out, literally.

Let her have her 'I've just filed for divorce and I'm going to get hammered' phase. It'll pass. Her and Paris will fall out. She'll start releasing songs again and being successful. And the only lips we'll see will be those that are singing.

More of Britney's beaver

Except it's not. She is clearly wearing underwear.

Pffft

Britney gets her beaver out.

Dear Lord.

Britney seems to keep forgetting to put her knickers on. Click here.

Definitely NOT suitable for work!

Hugh Muir, of the Guardian, write a good piece today about British whingeing about the Olympics. Bravo!

Sentenced

The two men convicted of the murder of Thomas ap Rhys Pryce, which I discussed yesterday, have been sentenced to between 17 and 21 years in prison, minimum. They still have expressed no remorse for the hideous crime they have committed and have shown no sympathy towards the devastated relatives and fiance of Thomas ap Rhys Pryce.

You can read Adele Eastman's (Tom's fiancee) victim statement here - truly heartbreaking stuff. Adele Eastman is putting her grief and sorrow to good use and has set up the Tom ap Rhys Pryce Memorial Trust - money donated to it will be used to enable individuals, who could not otherwise afford it, to achieve their potential by gaining access to appropriate educational facilities. If this trust can only save one more future Tom ap Rhys Pryce then it will be a success.

Crossing the road

Martin Samuel pens a good rant in today's Times about the laws against jaywalking that exist here in Australia. Now lots of people like ranting about the 'nanny state' but in reality they simply are yearning for a world in which they can do as they please regardless of the consequences for others. However, I must join the antagonists of the nanny statists in condemning laws that seek to prevent adults crossing the roads when and as they see fit. We all grew up to learn the green cross code - look right, look left erm...erm...err. Oh well whatever it was, it's been hard wired into my head so that I know myself when it is sensible to cross a road and when it is sensible to wait.

For some reason, governments in Australia have decided that we can't be trusted to perform this most basic of cognitive functions and if we dare cross the road in the city away from a pedestrian crossing with a green man flashing we could be fined $100. Ah, Western freedom - what a wonderful thing it is! The sad thing is that so many people just blindly accept this patronising nonsense and duly stand at crossings wasting away their lives waiting for the lights to change - even when the nearest car is about 210km away. I love the look on people's faces when I walk out without *gasp* waiting for the lights to change. Honestly, judging by some people's expressions you would think that I had been convicted of raping the rotting corpse of Princess Diana rather than just having a belligerent attitude to local laws regarding road usage.

Councils and governments continually seek to legislate to prevent 'accidents' happening. The problem with this approach is that very few of these 'accidents' are real accidents. They are acts of carelessness or stupidity and you can't legislate against that no matter how hard you try.

I've never been a member of the 'string em up and flog em brigade'. I firmly believe that prison should be used primarily to rehabilitate people rather than to punish them. But sometimes people commit crimes that are so callous, so evil and so heartless that the perpetrators should be permanently denied liberty. This is one of those cases where the convicted should spent the rest of their lives locked up - everyone makes choices in life, if you make a choice that these two blokes did then society can also make a choice - to end your liberty for good. This is one of those rare cases where life should mean life.

Paris and Britney

New Weekly reports that Britney and Paris are new best friends and 'friends' of Britney are worried about Paris' influence on her. One of my favourite quotes from the article is:

The dishevelled duo posed for photographs throughout the night, images that document Britney's transformation from presentable mum-of-two to knickerless drunk.

Eh? 'Presentable mum-of-two'? When exactly was that? Just before Sean cracked his skull or just after she nearly dropped him in front of photographers whilst carrying a glass (of booze?) in her other hand? Or was it whilst she was driving with him on her lap? Let's face it, she has never been a presentable mum - and nor do we want her to be.

I reckon Madonna should pack David back to Malawi and sweep into Malibu Beach and adopt Britney's two babies. Her noble actions will save Britney a whole lot of babysitter fees which she can put to good use and spend whilst out partying with Paris. Problem solved. Sure David will be back to a life of subsistence but Britney will be free to be Britney and surely that is a more worthwhile cause to support?

MX Beer

It's all too easy and all too unoriginal to point to the increasing trivialisation of news that we see in the tabloid press and on the television every day. But never one to pass up an easy and obvious target I thought I would bring to your attention to the front cover of Melbourne's MX 'news'paper which was published yesterday. MX, for my English readers, is the Australian equivalent of thelondonpaper - a brief read for the journey home after work.

Now free papers are not known for the investigative journalism or their in-depth analysis but MX manages to plumb new depths of inanity with its sections, 'Boring but important' - a single column where all the real news of the day goes, and 'Doom and Gloom', where you'll find information about the Iraq war, earthquakes and other disasters.

But hey, it's only meant for a 20 minute train ride and there is nothing wrong with inanity after a hard day's slog at the office. But yesterday it reached levels of triviality that even I could not have forseen.

We've just had a state election here in Melbourne. Being English I'd never experienced an election of this level before and its safe to say that it wasn't exactly the most exciting political competition I have ever witnessed. I think voting in a state election is rather like the staff at ACME Paper Ltd voting for who should be the next middle manager in charge of the admin department. Sure, there might be a slight variation in paperclip policy but the overall thrust of the political climate and country is still controlled by the CEO and Director, messrs Howard and Costello. Anyway, to those who don't know, the Labor Party won and so even though it was only a state election I took great satisfaction in seeing the Liberals get a kicking - hurrah!

Anyway, I digress. Now, in fairness to federalism there were some reasonably important issues at the election - water, education, health, how many paperclips should be ordered etc. So what did MX decide to splash on their front page after Labor's historic third term victory? The fact that the Liberal vote increased by a paltry 0.2%? No. The fact that Labor won by such a margin that it looks likely they'll be in office till 2014? No.

This is what MX put on their front page:


Yes, the front page the day after the election concentrates on what really matters - what beer is the Victorian premier Steve Bracks drinking? Oh my god! It's from New South Wales - now there's a hot scoop, hold the press! Why bother publishing any proper news regarding the election when we can simply trot out yet another spin on that boring, done before, please please god make it stop, story about the rivalry between Melbourne V Sydney. Now there's an original thought.

I meanwhile will continue to bring my readers a diverse range of cutting analysis and insight. Watch out for my next post - Britney and Paris in lesbian romp! Now, that's original!

Popes are going to hell

Catholics. Dontcha just love 'em?

News has leaked today that the church is considering relaxing its ban on condom use but only for situations in which the two shaggers are married and one of them has AIDS. Gee, thanks Popee!

According to the Guardian article:

Pope Benedict XVI's "health minister" is understood to be urging him to accept that in restricted circumstances - specifically the prevention of Aids - barrier contraception is the lesser of two evils.

Now, read that again. The Health minister believes that wearing a condom is a lesser evil than someone contracting a fatal disease because their church is so sexually repressed it cannot deal with people wanting to have sex for fun.

So, it's the lesser of two evils for the church to stop preventing married people getting AIDS but completely OK for the church to condemn unmarried and gay people to their deaths because having sex before marriage and having gay boy sex is of course more of an evil than being infected with, and dying from, AIDS.

Hello?! I admit this it is encouraging to see even the smallest step in the right direction from the church but this slight liberalisation of the doctrine shows fundamentally what a backward, immoral, heartless and yes evil organisation the Catholic Church is. They are happy to see millions of people die every year because of their pathetic inability to come to terms with people wanting to have sex outside of procreation. If there is a hell then both Popes Benedict and John Paul II deserve a place in it for the misery, disease and death they have done nothing to prevent during the 20th and 21st centuries. It is utterly shameful and another sorry indictment of the poisonous influence organised religion has on this fragile world of ours.

Olympics cost a lot - WORLD EXCLUSIVE!

If there is one thing that the British are world experts in it is viewing the glass as perpetually half empty. Everything must be viewed from a cynical, why bother perspective. Everything is going to the dogs. Everything is a waste of time/money/effort.

So it is depressingly predictable that a chorus of professional whingers have started to bang on about the cost of London hosting the games in 2012. Let's put all the positives to one side and let's concentrate on the bad stuff. It's going to cost more than we thought it would. Yawn.

Guess what folks? Hosting the Olympics costs lots of money. Eye watering amounts in fact. Whoopee do. Big news. Hold the front page! We knew this before we won the bid. Does anyone seriously think it was ever going to come in on budget?? Purlease!

In all other countries in the world, the hosting of the Olympics would be seen as a great source of national pride, a time to unite together and be positive and get behind your own country. But no, not in the UK where people have been desperate, since the day the bid was won, for this project to go slightly off the rails so that they can say 'ner ner told you so, we should never have bothered'. When the games are on, they'll be there hiding in the corners hoping for something to go wrong so that their pathetic negativity can be proved 'right'.

Sure the budgetary process should be rigorous but let's not let the naysayers get in the way of what will be a great games and, possibly more importantly, a new beginning for the most deprived parts of London. Optimists of the UK should get ready to dish out a huge dose of 'I told you so' at the end of the closing ceremony in 2012 but amid the celebrations there'll no doubt be people moaning about the cost of the food at the stadium or the tubes being full on the way home or the fireworks being too loud. Of course something will be wrong - there always bloody is isn't there?

Pffft.

I was wrong

Yes, read that title again. I admit it, I was wrong.

What was I wrong about? Well, I'll explain.

I've been in small UK towns quite a fair bit in my life. And they all had the same thing in common - come pub closing time (which was 11pm) the town centres would all morph from being slightly sleepy, non descript environs into something more akin to Michael Jackson's Thriller video. Gangs of very pissed up lads and ladettes would roam the streets, urinating in doorways, eating kebabs and puking in taxis. And yes, I was one of them between the ages of 16-20. Because of my experiences I thought the introduction of 24 hour licensing would be an utter disaster - yes, I used to say to my fellow inner city latte drinking friends, in London it will be fine. But in Watford? Please.

The English have an all consuming innate desire within them to get fucked, blotto, smashed, mullered, spangled, blind, hammered, pissed. No other country has as many words to describe the age old pleasure of getting drunk. And for this reason I thought that the extension of opening hours would simply lead to people getting MORE drunk and causing more chaos -Never underestimate the English capacity for immaturity and hedonism! We aren't like continental types, quaffing red wine over a coq au vin in some quaint courtyard in Bordeaux. We are a nation of Dazzas and Traceys whose idea of a good night out is going down to Yates, sinking 20 slippery nipples for a fiver and then going onto dance to Bon Jovi at Chasers with another 10 bottles of 'breezer to help them on their way.

I just couldn't see these people going 'well, now the pub is open till 4am I'll take it a bit easier and spread my 20 alcopops over 10 hours instead of 5.' I could only see a world in which they would think '5 more hours of drinking? Fuck! That's like 20 more drinks to be drunk!' And the result would be more alcohol consumed, more vomiting and more riot vans needed on Watford High Street.

However, this has not happened. As Andrew O'Hagan points out today in his Telegraph column it appears that crime has fallen since the liberalisation of the laws and the whole thing seems to have been a massive success. Well, fuck me sideways. It appears that when English people are treated like adults they actually act like adults. Who could have foreseen that development?

I admit that based on this evidence we English seem to be more responsible than I ever thought possible. But then I came across this and it raised a wry smile. God bless the English!

Anti Smoking Nazis

I used to smoke cigarettes. A lot of them. 20 a day.

Then I read the greatest book ever written and I gave up. I've now not smoked for nearly three years and I fully appreciate how much better my life is sans cancer sticks. I support moves by Governments to ban smoking in public places - I applaud the decision of the Blair government to completely ban smoking in all bars, restaurants and clubs next year. It is beyond dispute that people in their workplace should not be subjected to second hand smoke. The right of someone NOT to breathe in poisonous fumes is more important than someone's right to breathe them into their own lungs. Smokers can smoke outside - simple.

So, we've now reached the point where public places will be smoke free, cigarette advertising is illegal and extensive programs are in place to either discourage people from starting to smoke or encouraging them to stop. I think that's enough. People have a right to do as they wish in a free society, as long as it doesn't harm others.

But now there are calls for smokers to be docked pay for the amount of time they spend on fag breaks (or smokos as the Aussies call them). This is a step too far. Everyone at work finds ways of getting out of doing work for 5 minutes here and there - grabbing a coffee, surfing the web, reading the paper whilst on the bog etc. Smokers tend to use their 5 minutes to get some much needed nicotine into their system. So what? Of course it shouldn't be abused - I used to have one cigarette at 11am and one at 3pm (as well as 4 during lunch & 3 before getting to work at 9am - oh, those were the days!) and that seems reasonable to me. 10 minutes out of an 8 hour day.

I think the push to ban smokos comes from non smokers' pure envy at the way in which smokers have the audacity just to release their ball and chain without their superior's permission in order to saunter outside to have a fag and a chat. The non smokers sit meekly behind their desks all day scared to move an inch in case the boss thinks they aren't working whereas the smoker gives a big fuck you to his manager and bold as brass strolls out for a break whenever he feels like it. It's one of the very few acts of rebellion still permitted in the workplace and that's why it should remain. To all the smokers out there, I say fuck the anti smoking nerds, go and do your duty and go light up - do it for all the oppressed workers worldwide! And to the non smokers I say, get a fucking life you tools.

Britney loses her pants!

Well, well, well. My two favourite gals, Britney and Paris, are hanging out together. Britney joined Paris on a wild night out in Sin City this weekend and appeared to misplace her pants during the night's festivities.

More...

Britney Video and hot lesbian action

Just when you thought that Kevin Federline couldn't be more of an utter scumbag it emerges that he is threatening to sell the sex tape he has of him and Britney getting fruity together. Now, you might think that I would be well up for seeing Britney sans clothes and involved in kinky pursuits and you would be right except that I don't want to see her getting fucked by the person that turned her from steaming hot love goddess to downtrodden, bad skinned, fat trailer trash. It would just be wrong. Mind you, I will give it a look anyway just for blog research purposes ;) There's no harm in that surely?

What's definitely not wrong though is the prospect of Beyonce and Eva Longoria getting jiggy with each other. They are due to star in a forthcoming production of the lesbian romp novel, Tipping the Velvet. How many girls up and down the country will be enthused about accompanying their slightly over eager boyfriends to the cinema to watch this one? I am sure many women were just a bit disturbed at the look in their partner's eyes when they witnessed that scene from Wildthings between Denise Richards and Neve Campbell. Mind you, I am sure the prospect of Beyonce and Eva getting it on is exciting enough to turn even the most straight women slightly bi-curious. This could herald the biggest increase in threesome activity in history. Hurrah! :)

I am disturbed that I am about to congratulate the a UK court for its dismissal of the charges that the authorities tried to pin on the leader of the BNP, the odious Nick Griffin. He is a disgusting, dangerous individual who represents everything I detest about the extreme right. BUT he does have a right, in a free country, to say that Islam is a 'wicked, vicious faith.' If he then went onto say that people should act violently towards Muslims then that would be a reason to prosecute him - but he didn't.

In response to the acquittal the UK government is ominously making noises about trying to reintroduce the illiberal laws they failed to bring in last year which attempted to criminalise 'abusive' criticism of religion. This is completely unacceptable. People who are religious are not a race of people who share genetic similarities (well apart from stupidity maybe) - they are a bunch of deluded fuckwits who have chosen to believe in some made up bollocks and try and control other people's lives in order to fit in with their imaginary world. Of course, incitement to violence against ANY people is not acceptable but criticism of religion, no matter how strong, no matter how loud, no matter who says it, must always be allowed in a free society. Who in the UK government is going to stand up for liberal democracy and speak out against this state sponsored push to immunise organised religion from valid criticism?

2 very good pieces of news

Hallelujah! It's finally happened. Years of underachievement, corruption and declining standards are over. Now a new dawn is breaking, a new sense of hope is upon me and my faith in humanity is restored. Blessed be the news the Britney has at least seen the light and dumped that fuckwit of a husband of hers! Hurrah!

Apparently, Kevin has filed for custody of the children but let's face it - if he can't keep one of the world's hottest women in good shape then what chance does he have of raising a couple of children? Please! Mind you, I don't think Britney dropping Sean Preston or driving with him on her lap sans seatbelt will look particularly good in a family court...

Now what usually happens when girls split up from men is that they suddenly shape up, start wearing short skirts and begin turning themselves into hot love goddesses again. I can only pray the same happens with my Britney. Well according to website tmz.com it's all ready happening - check it out.

Well done girl, it took you enough time and www.divorcekevin.com had to collect 200,000 signatures on their petition demanding you dump the twat. But hey, you've come to your senses at last. All is forgiven. Now where is that red pvc suit of yours?

- Oh, the other good news is the Democrat's comprehensive win in the US. Kevin and the Republicans getting dumped in one week. Does it get any better?!

Chaplains

You know what this world really really needs? More religion!

What's that you say in horror?

Northern Ireland? Millions of Catholics dying of AIDS? Islamic Fundamentalism? Female Circumcision? Homophobia? Assisting the Nazis? Covering up child abuse?

Ah, that's all minor stuff. Every group in society has its faults! Come on. I mean surely if we forgive the Scottish for being tightarses and the Yanks for being stupid then we can forgive organised religion giving the world wars, disease, prejudice and Hitler?

Let's put all of that to one side and concentrate on what religion does best - it installs 'good' 'christian' values in our young people of course.

And so with this in mind John Howard has announced that the government is spending $90 million of OUR money on subsidising the cost of employing Chaplains in state, and wait for it, PRIVATE schools. Way to go Johnny! Not only is he going to waste $90 million of our money on something that is completely unnecessary but he is going to give a lot of it to schools that are already loaded. Brilliant! So a cleaner earning $25K a year is now not only subsidising the private school fees of the rich but is now also subsidising the religious indoctrination of the rich. Wow! Now that's a fair go society.

Now, John could have agreed to fund secular school counsellors - you know the types who don't bang on about abstinence from sex and live in the real world. But no they would be far too leftwing, radical and liberal for our Johnny. So he thought, bugger the separation of church and state I'll just ride roughshod over a hundred odd years of tradition (tradition being a thing that Johnny usually loves so much) and inject religion into the public realm.

Well, I am glad he is putting our money towards the real crisis areas of Australian society.

Anonymous Lefty has more.

Grrr...

Just over 3 weeks ago I joined the Australian Labor Party or the Victorian branch of the party to be precise.

I did this for several reasons, the main being that the more I live here the more I loathe little Johnny and I want to channel my hatred towards him and his party in a more constructive way than simply ranting on this blog from time to time (as therapeutic as this undoubtedly is). Now, I have no great affinity to the ALP, I think Beazley is an uninspiring leader whose time has been and gone and I also think the party here is still far too tied up with the Union movement. Of course the labour movement forms the foundation of any social democratic party but the party must realise that it's elected to act for all the people not just union members.

ANYWAY, I put these doubts to one side and filled in my internet application form a few weeks ago. I am yet to hear back from them - unlike with the Labour Party in the UK you aren't just immediately signed up but instead have to go through an approval process.

What with the Victorian election campaign kicking off I thought it was a good time to get involved and do some work for the party. And then came this

Now I joined the party more because I was against the other party (Liberals) than I was FOR Labor. The Victorian Labor Party seem pretty timid to me and I am not a fan of Brack's social conservatism. However, they are still a billion times better than the Conservative parties.

I joined Labor because I am against bigotry about civil unions, I am against religious attempts to stop stem cell research, I am against the outrageous new media laws that have just been passed in the federal parliament, I am against the breaking down of the separation of church and state, I am against the ridiculous 'War on Drugs', I am against rightwing nuts with their simplistic, prejudiced view of the world. It so happens that the Labor Party shares my philosophy in most of these areas.

Then why oh why are they even considering giving their preferences to the rightwing, morality hatemob that is Family fucking First? They hold opinions that Labor should be diametrically opposed to and I detest everything they and their cunthead of a leader, Steve Fielding, stand for. The reason Labor are doing this is because they are worried about the Green vote in a few inner city seats but surely they should realise that giving FF their preferences will only make leftwing people vote primarily for the Green Party?

So, I emailed the ALP today and said I want to put my membership on hold. I simply will not donate a single cent or minute to any cause that may end up benefiting the very people who I think are so damaging to our society.

If the ALP does decide to give FF its preferences it will be a very very sorry day and an utter betrayal of their principals, its members and the hundreds of thousands of people who vote for them.

I await their decision with interest.