Well, Clearly.

Leaving Australia

2007-07-17T16:07:00.000+10:00

Only 17 days to go until the wife and I leave Australia and I must say I am rather looking forward to my imminent return to the motherland. This is for a variety of reasons - I've been away for nearly three years, I can't wait to see my friends again, I miss my family and since I've been gone my sister has given birth to my beautiful nephew, AJ, who I am eagerly anticipating seeing. But apart from the usual personal reasons for wanting to go back home I am also looking forward to return because I love the UK and I love London. Sure it has its faults, where doesn't? But overall it rocks.

What I have found amusing over the past few weeks and months is the reaction of Australians (mainly those who aren't friends and family) when I have told them that I am going back to the UK.

First, a look of utter bafflement appears on their faces, as they are unable to internally process why on Earth someone would want to leave Australia to go to the UK - usually this bafflement lasts so long that I have to quickly say 'Ah, but we're only going for a couple of years and then we'll be back' just to put their minds at ease and break the embarrassing silence. Bafflement then turns to relief. 'Ah, he doesn't really think the UK is better than Australia' the relived Aussie thinks, 'it's just he wants to go there for a little while. He's coming back, so that shows he prefers it here.' Phew!

Or the alternative to this scenario is that the Aussie asks as soon as I've told them I am leaving 'Why??? don't you like it here?' They cannot even comprehend that I may really like it here but that I *still* want to leave. DOES NOT COMPUTE. BEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD. NOT A WHINGEING POM. STILL LEAVING. *&&(*%^&$(* *CRASH*

Their minds just cannot handle it - if I had said "No, I hate it here' I could have been filed away in the 'Whingeing Pom' category and they would have still been safe in the knowledge that Australia *IS* the best country in the world and those Brits who leave are simply whingeing poms, it's not US it's THEM.

Then comes the assumption. 'So you'll be back when it's time to raise children obviously' And why is it obvious exactly? 'Well, it's just a much better place to raise children.' Is it? Just because you spent 2 years in London living in a shared bedsit in Hackney so you could spend all your money getting wankered at The Church doesn't mean you have knowledge of what the rest of the UK is like. I was brought up in the UK, so were all your English friends. To my knowledge we haven't got an ASBO between us, thanks.

Then comes the criticism of the UK:

"It's so expensive to live there" - Coming from someone from a country where green beans (green beans!) are currently $13 a kilo

"The weather is shit" - Sure, we have rain. You know, that watery stuff that is essential to life. Besides, weather aint everything. We have good TV and cheap dr*gs.

and so it goes on.

The conversation inevitably ends in me soothing their bruised egos by assuring them that we are coming back and that our future children will not be raised in the dystopian hell that is England.

It is such a bizarre way to speak to someone who is embarking on an exciting adventure, is it not? Yeah, thanks for your hospitality and your best wishes for the future.

Pfffft bloody convicts.

Desyn Masiello

2007-06-21T10:52:00.000+10:00

Just a quick blog to recommend a truly exceptional 3 hour DJ mix from Deysn Masiello.

If you like house music then you need this in your life!

Clicky Clicky

The Secret is it's bollocks

2007-05-29T17:53:00.000+10:00

Announcement to all my friends.

If any of you have read or intend to read this book consider yourself officially purged from my life.

Thanks.

One rock night runs in Ibiza this year. Next!

2007-05-14T13:17:00.000+10:00

Another year, another tired, fatuous 'Rock music takes over Ibiza' article from The Guardian.

This was last year's effort, this is this year's.

Obviously, the publicists from Ibiza Rocks are doing their jobs right as they have managed to get exactly the same story written in a UK national newspaper two years in a row to promote their night.

And what an utter non story it is too. So, there will be ONE night on the island this year that will showcase live performances from Sheffield guitar heroes the Arctic Monkeys and dance act LCD Soundsystem amongst others. This somehow, well according to the 'Ibiza Rocks' press release no doubt, signals the ""indie invasion" of the island" and shows that "the Balearic island appears to be loosening its embrace of superstar DJs and 8,000-venue clubs."

What a load of utter utter bollocks.

Firstly, one of the acts mentioned in this avalanche of rock acts is LCD Soundsystem. You know, the DANCE act. Secondly, this is one night out of many on the island. 99.9% of those nights are devoted to dance music - 5,000 people a night at Amnesia, 5,000 at Space, 4,000 at Pacha, 3,000 at Eden, 2,000 at El Divino, 500 at DC10, 8,000 at Manumission. All listening and dancing to traditional 4 to the floor dance music. Because the odd DJ may play a bootleg of a rock tune this is also seen as evidence that rock music is taking over the most celebrated dance music mecca in the world, "big-named DJs are expected to incorporate "electro-rock" into their sets this summer." What. A. Load. Of. Arse.

By far the most laughable part of this piss poor excuse for journalism is the inclusion of the following quote from cunthead Andy McKay (the guy who introduced those grim sex shows to Manumission):

"Perhaps in time people might consider the west end of San Antonio as akin to Camden," added Mr McKay. "What's happened to guitar music has forced its way onto Ibiza and now I think it's going to take over."

Now, is he taking the piss or what? Come to think of it though the West End of San An is already like Camden in many regards: open drug dealing, people vomiting and pissing onto the streets, shops selling cheap crap (Camden Market anyone?) and a general sense of grimness and dirtiness.

We've heard all this before from The Guardian of course who appear to have some kind of weird 'the end is nigh' obsession with club culture. If the Britpop movement of the mid nineties failed to convert Ibiza to the wonders of the guitar I seriously doubt that it is likely to happen now or ever. How many more years does dance music & club culture have to be phenomenally successful before the twats at The Guardian realise that a) it isn't going to die, b) it doesn't need 'saving' by the rock scene?

First Steps

2007-03-22T15:03:00.000+11:00

Britney's coming back.

Hair today, gone tomorrow

2007-03-22T14:06:00.000+11:00

No you don't. Not just yet you bastard.

To what am I referring? The ageing process of course.

As you will know from a previous post I recently took the decision to abandon my hairstyle which took me all of 89 seconds to style every morning and opt instead for a grade 2 all over. Why? Because I was tired of the maintenance of erstwhile cut and I wanted something more practical. I've always lived by the rule that practicality should rarely take precedent over style - if you start making decisions on what trousers to wear due to their excellent pocket facilities then you are in trouble. Unless of course you are considering buying some of those black pants from Camden Market which were perfect for clubbing in those old hard house days: pocket for water bottle, tick! - pocket for money, tick! - pocket to store glowstick, tick! - secret pocket to stash drugs, tick tick! But even then the relaxation of style was only so you could accommodate something much more important in your life, like taking vast quantities of drugs and dancing all night. And it don't come much cooler than that does it?

Anyway, I digress. After the clippers had shorn my head I immediately started to feel somewhat disappointed in myself that I had succumbed to this victory for practicality over style at such an early age. I'm 28 for God's sake. Not 50. If you are already past the point of being bothered to style your hair at 28 you may as well give up now, go and buy some sensible slacks, some of those ghastly iron free shirts and staring moaning about the 'yoof of today'.

NO.

Not just yet.

Needless, to say the hair is being grown back. No doubt when I'm struggling with a handful of Fudge in the morning to control my wayward locks I'll be yearning for an easier life again, but 'easy' is what retirement is for. I'll shave my head again then.

Bugger the economy, I just want to bugger young boys!

2007-02-21T16:03:00.000+11:00

I always check the Daily Telegraph site everyday to catch up on what the latest Labour "outrage" is. Usually this involves some baseless claim that Labour is going to tax breathing or impose a stealth tax on having sex or such like. And so it goes on and on and on.

I almost admire it's right wing contrairy attitude to all matters social and economic. Today, it published a piece of op-ed gold from its resident right wing lunatic, Simon Heffer.

In summary, he basically claims that life under Blair has gone to hell in a handcart and things haven't improved at all. His last paragraph is what really stands out though:

They [people lifted out of poverty by the state], Mrs Blair, the Irish Republican Army [note, just the IRA not the many people aren't being blown up anymore! lol] and those for whom the most important thing in life is to be allowed to sodomise 16-year-old boys are the only ones I can think of who have done well out of the past 10 years.

Ha ha ha - Brilliant. If you are in Australia and don't know the UK Labour government equalised the age of consent for same sex couples so it is now 16, the same as the heterosexual age.

What's so good about Heffer's statement is that he believes people who pushed for this change believe that 'the most important thing in life is to be allowed to sodomise 16 year-old boys'. Really? I'm not sure that I, being a supporter of the change, put the right to fuck a 16 year old up the arse as a more important priority than say climate change, alleviating poverty, maintaining economic prosperity or improving public services. What an utterly absurd thing for Heffer to say! Me thinks the man doth protest too much. If you see what I mean ;)

Underground wankers in speaking shit shocker!

2007-02-20T16:40:00.000+11:00

Sometimes in my eternal fight against the "underground' and all the pretentious nonsense that comes with it, it's best to keep quiet and let the ridiculousness of it all shine through. This excerpt from club culture newsletter Skrufff says it all:

"The Village Voice suggested the rise of new rave is prompting a resurgence of beat-matching DJs on New York’s cutting edge alternative-electro scene this week, in a lengthy feature called ‘The Return Of Rave’.

“Breaking news: DJs are mixing again! Matching beats,” Trish Romano trumpeted, going on to eulogise Denny Le Nimh’s one year old weekly ‘rave-meets-rock party’ Ruff Club as the epicenter of the trend.

“I think it’s catching on, mixing, it’s definitely the way the music is going as well,” DJ/ co-promoter Le Nimh confirmed.

“A lot of these rock bands are being remixed by house, techno, and electro producers. Justice and Ed Banger records — that sound, that French harder house sound — a lot of the jukebox DJs are starting to play that, and noticing that dance music doesn’t sound as good when you don’t mix it. Dance music is the new dance music [my italics],” he told the Voice."

Dear oh dear.

One more thing - what the fuck is "New Rave"? Answers on a postcard please.

OMG

2007-02-19T21:09:00.000+11:00

Honestly. Where do I begin?

I was going to pen a piece today about my new haircut. I beat Britney to a short back and sides last week when I got my hair cut down to a grade 2 all over. This for me was a surefire sign that I am getting old - no longer is the style important, I just want something easy, manageable and practical. ARRRRGGGHHH! I'm 28 going on 60. I feel like growing it back into a style just so I don't succumb to the inevitable descent into an eternal quest to find styles and clothes that are practical, easy to wash and hard wearing.

My new hair cut:

Anyway, I was going to talk about that at length. But then someone else gets a very short hair cut and my fear of ageing too quickly pales into insignificance compared to someone who appears to be on the edge of a nervous breakdown.

At this point it would be very easy for Britney fans to throw in the towel - we excused the flashing of the flaps saga, we winced as she dropped her children, we felt pity as she married the biggest loser in the world and we sympathised as she put on weight. But this latest saga takes the cake. It's clear that Britney is hurtling towards rehab quicker than Kirsty Ally regaining weight after going on a crash diet.

These are dark days for Britney admirers but stick with it people, she will come out the otherside. And if she doesn't, hey at least we have the memories. *sob*

2007-02-14T16:21:00.000+11:00

Oh dear. Brtiney aint looking good at the moment.

This headline from a TMZ.com article says it all: 'Did Britney Blow Chunks?'

Nice.

Stupid People Get Run Over. Let's ban iPods!

2007-02-09T16:58:00.000+11:00

OK - so yesterday I had a good old rant about Motorists and their incessant tirades against the 'nanny state'.

Well today I came across a proposal that really is an example of nanny statism gone mad. And yes, I realise I already sound like a Daily Mail article. You know the kind: 'I was prosecuted for calling a black man a n*gger, it's political correctness gone MAD I tell you!

In the good ol'US of A, like here in Australia, people aren't trusted to walk across the road based on their own judgement and reasoning - they are fined if they don't act like good little sheep and obey the green and red lights at pedestrian crossings.

Now, some fuckwits have crossed the road in New York with their iPods on and they've been run over. Run over because they obviously weren't looking properly whilst making the journey from one pavement to the other. They didn't die because they were listening to their iPods - they died because they were fucking stupid and didn't look out for cars. So what's the "solution" to this "problem"? I'd say there was no problem, it's natural selection in action. But no, something other than their own stupidity MUST be to blame so New York City Council are proposing that people get fined if they listen to their iPod earphones whilst crossing the road.

MY GOD.

What the fuck is going on here? Surely walkmans and portable music devices have been around for over 20 years - what is it about iPod usage that so enrages the legislators whom seem hellbent to enshrine laws against their use. THIS IS MADNESS.

Luckily, in Australia the proposal has been dismissed by the NSW police chief who the Age report "warned against legislating for "stupidity".

Quite.

McClaren must go!

2007-02-08T15:59:00.000+11:00

So, the scandal that is Steve McClaren holding the position of England coach continues with yet another pisspoor performance.

I predict England will lose or draw in Israel in March and we'll be waving Steve a very eager goodbye. And not before time.

War on motorists! Where do I sign up?

2007-02-08T15:26:00.000+11:00

Motorists. What a funny bunch of people they are. I am one myself but think of myself as completely detached from the ever increasing number of them who doing nothing but moan about the 'restrictions' that are placed on their 'right' to drive as they wish.

How many times have you read or heard someone banging on about the 'outrage' that are speed cameras or the 'outrage' that is having your car clamped? How many times? I'm guessing fuck loads. What they seemingly fail to realise is that if you DON'T speed or DON'T park in illegal parking spots then guess what? You won't get fined, you won't get a points penalty on your license, you won't ultimately lose your license. It's not hard is it? It's like every other law of the land. You break it, you suffer the consequences.

Now, you can protest against these laws and try and get them overturned but whilst they are in effect you have to realise that you will be punished if caught. If you don't speed or drink drive or park illegally you won't get wound up by yet another demand for a fine payment dropping through your letterbox. It's the actions of the individual that cause them to get wound up by the 'nanny state' NOT the Government which is merely trying to enforce the law. Speed Cameras are only revenue machines IF people speed. If everyone obeyed the speed limit then there would be no revenue. It's really quite simple. If the militant motorists out there really wanted to protest against the Government then the most logical thing would be for them to STOP speeding so that the Government revenue then dries up. Everyone is then a winner, drivers aren't fined, people aren't killed by irresponsible drivers and I can stop listening to people moaning about the government's 'War on Motorists'

I have been caught speeding before and was fined. I paid the fine. And that was that. I cannot argue against the fine - I was going 10k over the limit. Fair cop guv, you got me.

It seems to me that motorists who cannot take responsibility for their actions are every bit as bad as those people who sue councils because they trip over a twig on the street or those people who sue MacDonalds because they have got fat through eating 20 burgers a day. The government only has to act like a nanny if people act like children. Act responsibly and there'd be no need for speed cameras on every corner.

The Rage Returns

2007-01-23T16:12:00.000+11:00

If you live and work in London eventually you'll experience what I call 'The Rage'. It occurs when you use public transport in an attempt to get to and from work. When you first arrive in the Capital you are amazed that tubes run every 5 minutes and that public transport can be accessed from all the important parts of London, Hackney and South East London being the unimportant parts, obviously.

Then after using the service for a year or so something starts to change within you. The Rage starts to grow and grow - every time there is a cancellation, every time you feel more penned in than a battery hen, every time you hand over £75 a month to use the pisspoor service, every time someone pukes over the seats after a 'eavy night up West, every time you lose your bodyweight in sweat because there is no air conditioning on the train, every time the train gets stuck in the tunnel between Camden and Kentish Town for no discernible reason, every time the rail unions decide to go on strike again, every time you look on the web and find out a return from London to Manchester costs £200, every time you think 'fuck this I'll get a car' and realise there's nowhere to park, petrol costs £1 a litre and you have to pay £8 to drive into your own city centre etc etc etc you get the idea.

The Rage builds and builds and slowly consumes you. Not only are you paying through the nose for this daily torture but you are losing your dignity as you are shuttled around one of the World's greatest cities in conditions that would be illegal for livestock. You start the day pissed off, you end the day pissed off. It's not a healthy state of affairs. And I for one, was glad to leave it behind and say good riddance to The Rage.

Then I came to Melbourne and became a daily commuter on the city's rail network operated by Connex. Yes, Connex. The same company that used to run the South East train franchise in the UK and got stripped of its license because its service was so appalling.

However, the service in Melbourne seemed a world removed from that in England. In my experience 99% of trains ran on time and were not too packed, air conditioned and not full of marauding nutters. Until this month.

Suddenly trying to catch a train is like playing the lottery, only you have more chance of winning the lottery than your train actually running on time. At Flinders Street, one of Melbourne's major train stations, there is no information at all regarding cancellations or delays. You just have to stand there waiting and hoping. Everyday since 2nd January the trains have been completely fucked.

The first few days of this caused me minor anguish but then I felt it from the pit of my stomach. The Rage was returning. An unwelcome reminder of times past stood on a platform hearing the omonious announcement about 'signal failures'. It was back. Arrrgggghhhhh. Thanks Connex, you utter cunts for bringing The Rage back into my life. I thought it was banished forever but no, it was still there lying in wait for me. Will I ever be free?

People in glasshouses.

2007-01-19T16:14:00.000+11:00

If there's one thing the Melbourne press like more than a pathetic Melbourne V Sydney story it's a beat up on football (that's "soccer" football) over its hooligan 'problem'. If a fan at a football ground is seen so much as contorting his face in anger, guaranteed it'll be all over the front pages of The Age and the Herald Scum with some outraged reporter breathlessly banging on about how violence and football are intertwined yada yada yada. It's so utterly fucking predictable.

I bet you didn't know that 190 fans were ejected from the MCG during one day of the test cricket but this barely got a mention in the press, whereas if that was at a Melbourne Victory game it would be headline news.

This week saw the emergence of a strange new phenomena in sport - crowd disturbances at the tennis. 150 fans were ejected after fights broke out between rival gangs of ethnically based groups - Serbians and Croatians. Now you would think that this would show that hooliganism is based on age old ethnic hatreds, too many young lads with too much testosterone and a healthy dose of right wing nationalism. In short, it has nothing to do with football.

But no, The Age couldn't report this problem without mentioning football hooliganism, over and over again. They ran an op-ed piece by an absolute fuckwit called John Weldon who moaned on about the intimidating atmosphere at Wembley when he saw England play Germany in the football there and says...

I was taken back to September 2000 and the last ever game played at Wembley Stadium. England was playing Germany and after having stood outside in the rain for hours, I'd finally scored a ticket and was inside. All my life I'd watched games at Wembley on TV, hoping that one day I might actually get there. And there I was, watching Beckham and co go down 1-0, but instead of enjoying the game I sat there saddened, wishing I was back home in Australia instead of in that ground full of racism and hatred, full of chants about who won the war, mock Hitler salutes, Irish-hating songs, full of spite, full of vitriol.

I wanted to go home to a place where I could sit next to an opposition fan, or a fan from another country, without either of us having to hate each other.

Obviously I can understand why he wanted to get back to Australia as it's a peaceful multicultural rainbow of a country where all the ethnic groups hold hands and the whites love everyone - especially those Wogs (how cool is it that Greek and Italian people have accepted what we want to call them?! Bless.)

But then he goes to the tennis and sees fighting between the Croats and the Serbs (let's conveniently ignore the fact that most of them were born or raised in Australia) and he despairs. Poor John. He says...

I lost them [the people fighting] as they drifted deeper into the square, but I haven't yet lost the sickened feeling they gave me. I can still see the massed thousands throwing the Nazi salute across the terraces at Wembley, and I'm still haunted by that feeling of wanting to go home, but after this I'm not sure where home is any more.

Yeah, because acts of racism and ethnic bashing have never been perpetrated in Australia before have they John? True blue Aussies would never act in such a despicable manner would they? Those bloody Europeans coming over here in their football shirts, being racist and fighting. It's un-Australian. I tell you!

Old Ex-President dies. And?

2007-01-04T15:20:00.000+11:00

Can anyone explain to me why the death of Gerald Ford is so significant in Australia? It's been prominent on all the TV News bulletins here including those on Channels 7,9 and 10 which usually feature little or no news outside of greater Melbourne. So what if an old, ex-one term US president has died??? - what has that to do with Australia exactly? It should merely merit a brief mention at the end of the news along with an update on Moggy the cat in Coburg who is still stuck up a tree. As the US slowly takes over the world, its news is becoming our news. Joy.

Sandi Thom Bombs

2006-12-18T19:02:00.000+11:00

Severe lack of postings I know. I've been hosting a parental visit to these shores so my time for witterings about Britney et al has been limited. Full service will resume tomorrow.

In the meatime here's something to cheer you up, proof that just occasionally there is justice in this world:

Supposed internet sensation Sandi Thom did a
free myspace gig in Melbourne. Only 25 people
turned up. Sandi didn't go on stage. Instead
it was announced she had been taken ill.

(HT: Popbitch)

Leave her alone!

2006-11-30T16:48:00.000+11:00

Apparently there is a bit of Britney backlash going on at the moment amongst her fans regarding her partying antics with Ms Hilton and her seeming inability to wear panties.

Can't say I am one of those who finds her behaviour repellent - yeah sure she has kids, but pfft to them quite frankly. I'm sure they've got a perfectly capable nanny looking after them. Who cares?

What do these people want? Do they want her to return to the life of domestic drudgery she led with Kevin? No way. All Britney fans should be pleased that she has shaped up and taken up her lapsed membership of the hedonists club again. Think about it - do we want to see Britney in baggy clothes or in sexy dresses with her minge showing? Clearly there is no option (well, maybe sexy dresses WITH knickers would be better but hey, beggars can't be choosers).

All those who are jumping good ship Britney seem to be confused. Surely they didn't love her originally for her svelte sophistication, her intelligence and her business nous? Surely they all loved the bad girl, trailer park trash spirit within her? Well people she's now fully embracing that side of her personality and it's all hanging out, literally.

Let her have her 'I've just filed for divorce and I'm going to get hammered' phase. It'll pass. Her and Paris will fall out. She'll start releasing songs again and being successful. And the only lips we'll see will be those that are singing.

More of Britney's beaver

2006-11-30T16:44:00.000+11:00

Except it's not. She is clearly wearing underwear.

Pffft

Britney gets her beaver out.

2006-11-30T16:04:00.000+11:00

Dear Lord.

Britney seems to keep forgetting to put her knickers on. Click here.

Definitely NOT suitable for work!

2006-11-29T13:38:00.000+11:00

Hugh Muir, of the Guardian, write a good piece today about British whingeing about the Olympics. Bravo!

Sentenced

2006-11-29T13:29:00.000+11:00

The two men convicted of the murder of Thomas ap Rhys Pryce, which I discussed yesterday, have been sentenced to between 17 and 21 years in prison, minimum. They still have expressed no remorse for the hideous crime they have committed and have shown no sympathy towards the devastated relatives and fiance of Thomas ap Rhys Pryce.

You can read Adele Eastman's (Tom's fiancee) victim statement here - truly heartbreaking stuff. Adele Eastman is putting her grief and sorrow to good use and has set up the Tom ap Rhys Pryce Memorial Trust - money donated to it will be used to enable individuals, who could not otherwise afford it, to achieve their potential by gaining access to appropriate educational facilities. If this trust can only save one more future Tom ap Rhys Pryce then it will be a success.

Crossing the road

2006-11-28T15:59:00.000+11:00

Martin Samuel pens a good rant in today's Times about the laws against jaywalking that exist here in Australia. Now lots of people like ranting about the 'nanny state' but in reality they simply are yearning for a world in which they can do as they please regardless of the consequences for others. However, I must join the antagonists of the nanny statists in condemning laws that seek to prevent adults crossing the roads when and as they see fit. We all grew up to learn the green cross code - look right, look left erm...erm...err. Oh well whatever it was, it's been hard wired into my head so that I know myself when it is sensible to cross a road and when it is sensible to wait.

For some reason, governments in Australia have decided that we can't be trusted to perform this most basic of cognitive functions and if we dare cross the road in the city away from a pedestrian crossing with a green man flashing we could be fined $100. Ah, Western freedom - what a wonderful thing it is! The sad thing is that so many people just blindly accept this patronising nonsense and duly stand at crossings wasting away their lives waiting for the lights to change - even when the nearest car is about 210km away. I love the look on people's faces when I walk out without *gasp* waiting for the lights to change. Honestly, judging by some people's expressions you would think that I had been convicted of raping the rotting corpse of Princess Diana rather than just having a belligerent attitude to local laws regarding road usage.

Councils and governments continually seek to legislate to prevent 'accidents' happening. The problem with this approach is that very few of these 'accidents' are real accidents. They are acts of carelessness or stupidity and you can't legislate against that no matter how hard you try.

2006-11-28T14:56:00.000+11:00

I've never been a member of the 'string em up and flog em brigade'. I firmly believe that prison should be used primarily to rehabilitate people rather than to punish them. But sometimes people commit crimes that are so callous, so evil and so heartless that the perpetrators should be permanently denied liberty. This is one of those cases where the convicted should spent the rest of their lives locked up - everyone makes choices in life, if you make a choice that these two blokes did then society can also make a choice - to end your liberty for good. This is one of those rare cases where life should mean life.

Paris and Britney

2006-11-28T14:44:00.000+11:00

New Weekly reports that Britney and Paris are new best friends and 'friends' of Britney are worried about Paris' influence on her. One of my favourite quotes from the article is:

The dishevelled duo posed for photographs throughout the night, images that document Britney's transformation from presentable mum-of-two to knickerless drunk.

Eh? 'Presentable mum-of-two'? When exactly was that? Just before Sean cracked his skull or just after she nearly dropped him in front of photographers whilst carrying a glass (of booze?) in her other hand? Or was it whilst she was driving with him on her lap? Let's face it, she has never been a presentable mum - and nor do we want her to be.

I reckon Madonna should pack David back to Malawi and sweep into Malibu Beach and adopt Britney's two babies. Her noble actions will save Britney a whole lot of babysitter fees which she can put to good use and spend whilst out partying with Paris. Problem solved. Sure David will be back to a life of subsistence but Britney will be free to be Britney and surely that is a more worthwhile cause to support?

MX Beer

2006-11-28T13:51:00.000+11:00

It's all too easy and all too unoriginal to point to the increasing trivialisation of news that we see in the tabloid press and on the television every day. But never one to pass up an easy and obvious target I thought I would bring to your attention to the front cover of Melbourne's MX 'news'paper which was published yesterday. MX, for my English readers, is the Australian equivalent of thelondonpaper - a brief read for the journey home after work.

Now free papers are not known for the investigative journalism or their in-depth analysis but MX manages to plumb new depths of inanity with its sections, 'Boring but important' - a single column where all the real news of the day goes, and 'Doom and Gloom', where you'll find information about the Iraq war, earthquakes and other disasters.

But hey, it's only meant for a 20 minute train ride and there is nothing wrong with inanity after a hard day's slog at the office. But yesterday it reached levels of triviality that even I could not have forseen.

We've just had a state election here in Melbourne. Being English I'd never experienced an election of this level before and its safe to say that it wasn't exactly the most exciting political competition I have ever witnessed. I think voting in a state election is rather like the staff at ACME Paper Ltd voting for who should be the next middle manager in charge of the admin department. Sure, there might be a slight variation in paperclip policy but the overall thrust of the political climate and country is still controlled by the CEO and Director, messrs Howard and Costello. Anyway, to those who don't know, the Labor Party won and so even though it was only a state election I took great satisfaction in seeing the Liberals get a kicking - hurrah!

Anyway, I digress. Now, in fairness to federalism there were some reasonably important issues at the election - water, education, health, how many paperclips should be ordered etc. So what did MX decide to splash on their front page after Labor's historic third term victory? The fact that the Liberal vote increased by a paltry 0.2%? No. The fact that Labor won by such a margin that it looks likely they'll be in office till 2014? No.

This is what MX put on their front page:

Yes, the front page the day after the election concentrates on what really matters - what beer is the Victorian premier Steve Bracks drinking? Oh my god! It's from New South Wales - now there's a hot scoop, hold the press! Why bother publishing any proper news regarding the election when we can simply trot out yet another spin on that boring, done before, please please god make it stop, story about the rivalry between Melbourne V Sydney. Now there's an original thought.

I meanwhile will continue to bring my readers a diverse range of cutting analysis and insight. Watch out for my next post - Britney and Paris in lesbian romp! Now, that's original!

Popes are going to hell

2006-11-23T15:38:00.000+11:00

Catholics. Dontcha just love 'em?

News has leaked today that the church is considering relaxing its ban on condom use but only for situations in which the two shaggers are married and one of them has AIDS. Gee, thanks Popee!

According to the Guardian article :

Pope Benedict XVI's "health minister" is understood to be urging him to accept that in restricted circumstances - specifically the prevention of Aids - barrier contraception is the lesser of two evils.

Now, read that again. The Health minister believes that wearing a condom is a lesser evil than someone contracting a fatal disease because their church is so sexually repressed it cannot deal with people wanting to have sex for fun.

So, it's the lesser of two evils for the church to stop preventing married people getting AIDS but completely OK for the church to condemn unmarried and gay people to their deaths because having sex before marriage and having gay boy sex is of course more of an evil than being infected with, and dying from, AIDS.

Hello?! I admit this it is encouraging to see even the smallest step in the right direction from the church but this slight liberalisation of the doctrine shows fundamentally what a backward, immoral, heartless and yes evil organisation the Catholic Church is. They are happy to see millions of people die every year because of their pathetic inability to come to terms with people wanting to have sex outside of procreation. If there is a hell then both Popes Benedict and John Paul II deserve a place in it for the misery, disease and death they have done nothing to prevent during the 20th and 21st centuries. It is utterly shameful and another sorry indictment of the poisonous influence organised religion has on this fragile world of ours.

Olympics cost a lot - WORLD EXCLUSIVE!

2006-11-22T14:43:00.000+11:00

If there is one thing that the British are world experts in it is viewing the glass as perpetually half empty. Everything must be viewed from a cynical, why bother perspective. Everything is going to the dogs. Everything is a waste of time/money/effort.

So it is depressingly predictable that a chorus of professional whingers have started to bang on about the cost of London hosting the games in 2012. Let's put all the positives to one side and let's concentrate on the bad stuff. It's going to cost more than we thought it would. Yawn.

Guess what folks? Hosting the Olympics costs lots of money. Eye watering amounts in fact. Whoopee do. Big news. Hold the front page! We knew this before we won the bid. Does anyone seriously think it was ever going to come in on budget?? Purlease!

In all other countries in the world, the hosting of the Olympics would be seen as a great source of national pride, a time to unite together and be positive and get behind your own country. But no, not in the UK where people have been desperate, since the day the bid was won, for this project to go slightly off the rails so that they can say 'ner ner told you so, we should never have bothered'. When the games are on, they'll be there hiding in the corners hoping for something to go wrong so that their pathetic negativity can be proved 'right'.

Sure the budgetary process should be rigorous but let's not let the naysayers get in the way of what will be a great games and, possibly more importantly, a new beginning for the most deprived parts of London. Optimists of the UK should get ready to dish out a huge dose of 'I told you so' at the end of the closing ceremony in 2012 but amid the celebrations there'll no doubt be people moaning about the cost of the food at the stadium or the tubes being full on the way home or the fireworks being too loud. Of course something will be wrong - there always bloody is isn't there?

Pffft.

I was wrong

2006-11-21T16:05:00.000+11:00

Yes, read that title again. I admit it, I was wrong.

What was I wrong about? Well, I'll explain.

I've been in small UK towns quite a fair bit in my life. And they all had the same thing in common - come pub closing time (which was 11pm) the town centres would all morph from being slightly sleepy, non descript environs into something more akin to Michael Jackson's Thriller video. Gangs of very pissed up lads and ladettes would roam the streets, urinating in doorways, eating kebabs and puking in taxis. And yes, I was one of them between the ages of 16-20. Because of my experiences I thought the introduction of 24 hour licensing would be an utter disaster - yes, I used to say to my fellow inner city latte drinking friends, in London it will be fine. But in Watford? Please.

The English have an all consuming innate desire within them to get fucked, blotto, smashed, mullered, spangled, blind, hammered, pissed. No other country has as many words to describe the age old pleasure of getting drunk. And for this reason I thought that the extension of opening hours would simply lead to people getting MORE drunk and causing more chaos -Never underestimate the English capacity for immaturity and hedonism! We aren't like continental types, quaffing red wine over a coq au vin in some quaint courtyard in Bordeaux. We are a nation of Dazzas and Traceys whose idea of a good night out is going down to Yates, sinking 20 slippery nipples for a fiver and then going onto dance to Bon Jovi at Chasers with another 10 bottles of 'breezer to help them on their way.

I just couldn't see these people going 'well, now the pub is open till 4am I'll take it a bit easier and spread my 20 alcopops over 10 hours instead of 5.' I could only see a world in which they would think '5 more hours of drinking? Fuck! That's like 20 more drinks to be drunk!' And the result would be more alcohol consumed, more vomiting and more riot vans needed on Watford High Street.

However, this has not happened. As Andrew O'Hagan points out today in his Telegraph column it appears that crime has fallen since the liberalisation of the laws and the whole thing seems to have been a massive success. Well, fuck me sideways. It appears that when English people are treated like adults they actually act like adults. Who could have foreseen that development?

I admit that based on this evidence we English seem to be more responsible than I ever thought possible. But then I came across this and it raised a wry smile. God bless the English!

Anti Smoking Nazis

2006-11-21T14:30:00.000+11:00

I used to smoke cigarettes. A lot of them. 20 a day.

Then I read the greatest book ever written and I gave up. I've now not smoked for nearly three years and I fully appreciate how much better my life is sans cancer sticks. I support moves by Governments to ban smoking in public places - I applaud the decision of the Blair government to completely ban smoking in all bars, restaurants and clubs next year. It is beyond dispute that people in their workplace should not be subjected to second hand smoke. The right of someone NOT to breathe in poisonous fumes is more important than someone's right to breathe them into their own lungs. Smokers can smoke outside - simple.

So, we've now reached the point where public places will be smoke free, cigarette advertising is illegal and extensive programs are in place to either discourage people from starting to smoke or encouraging them to stop. I think that's enough. People have a right to do as they wish in a free society, as long as it doesn't harm others.

But now there are calls for smokers to be docked pay for the amount of time they spend on fag breaks (or smokos as the Aussies call them). This is a step too far. Everyone at work finds ways of getting out of doing work for 5 minutes here and there - grabbing a coffee, surfing the web, reading the paper whilst on the bog etc. Smokers tend to use their 5 minutes to get some much needed nicotine into their system. So what? Of course it shouldn't be abused - I used to have one cigarette at 11am and one at 3pm (as well as 4 during lunch & 3 before getting to work at 9am - oh, those were the days!) and that seems reasonable to me. 10 minutes out of an 8 hour day.

I think the push to ban smokos comes from non smokers' pure envy at the way in which smokers have the audacity just to release their ball and chain without their superior's permission in order to saunter outside to have a fag and a chat. The non smokers sit meekly behind their desks all day scared to move an inch in case the boss thinks they aren't working whereas the smoker gives a big fuck you to his manager and bold as brass strolls out for a break whenever he feels like it. It's one of the very few acts of rebellion still permitted in the workplace and that's why it should remain. To all the smokers out there, I say fuck the anti smoking nerds, go and do your duty and go light up - do it for all the oppressed workers worldwide! And to the non smokers I say, get a fucking life you tools.

Britney loses her pants!

2006-11-21T14:21:00.000+11:00

Well, well, well. My two favourite gals, Britney and Paris, are hanging out together. Britney joined Paris on a wild night out in Sin City this weekend and appeared to misplace her pants during the night's festivities.

More...

Britney Video and hot lesbian action

2006-11-14T16:07:00.000+11:00

Just when you thought that Kevin Federline couldn't be more of an utter scumbag it emerges that he is threatening to sell the sex tape he has of him and Britney getting fruity together. Now, you might think that I would be well up for seeing Britney sans clothes and involved in kinky pursuits and you would be right except that I don't want to see her getting fucked by the person that turned her from steaming hot love goddess to downtrodden, bad skinned, fat trailer trash. It would just be wrong. Mind you, I will give it a look anyway just for blog research purposes ;) There's no harm in that surely?

What's definitely not wrong though is the prospect of Beyonce and Eva Longoria getting jiggy with each other. They are due to star in a forthcoming production of the lesbian romp novel, Tipping the Velvet. How many girls up and down the country will be enthused about accompanying their slightly over eager boyfriends to the cinema to watch this one? I am sure many women were just a bit disturbed at the look in their partner's eyes when they witnessed that scene from Wildthings between Denise Richards and Neve Campbell. Mind you, I am sure the prospect of Beyonce and Eva getting it on is exciting enough to turn even the most straight women slightly bi-curious. This could herald the biggest increase in threesome activity in history. Hurrah! :)

2006-11-13T14:31:00.000+11:00

I am disturbed that I am about to congratulate the a UK court for its dismissal of the charges that the authorities tried to pin on the leader of the BNP, the odious Nick Griffin. He is a disgusting, dangerous individual who represents everything I detest about the extreme right. BUT he does have a right, in a free country, to say that Islam is a 'wicked, vicious faith.' If he then went onto say that people should act violently towards Muslims then that would be a reason to prosecute him - but he didn't.

In response to the acquittal the UK government is ominously making noises about trying to reintroduce the illiberal laws they failed to bring in last year which attempted to criminalise 'abusive' criticism of religion. This is completely unacceptable. People who are religious are not a race of people who share genetic similarities (well apart from stupidity maybe) - they are a bunch of deluded fuckwits who have chosen to believe in some made up bollocks and try and control other people's lives in order to fit in with their imaginary world. Of course, incitement to violence against ANY people is not acceptable but criticism of religion, no matter how strong, no matter how loud, no matter who says it, must always be allowed in a free society. Who in the UK government is going to stand up for liberal democracy and speak out against this state sponsored push to immunise organised religion from valid criticism?

2 very good pieces of news

2006-11-09T16:21:00.000+11:00

Hallelujah! It's finally happened. Years of underachievement, corruption and declining standards are over. Now a new dawn is breaking, a new sense of hope is upon me and my faith in humanity is restored. Blessed be the news the Britney has at least seen the light and dumped that fuckwit of a husband of hers! Hurrah!

Apparently, Kevin has filed for custody of the children but let's face it - if he can't keep one of the world's hottest women in good shape then what chance does he have of raising a couple of children? Please! Mind you, I don't think Britney dropping Sean Preston or driving with him on her lap sans seatbelt will look particularly good in a family court...

Now what usually happens when girls split up from men is that they suddenly shape up, start wearing short skirts and begin turning themselves into hot love goddesses again. I can only pray the same happens with my Britney. Well according to website tmz.com it's all ready happening - check it out.

Well done girl, it took you enough time and www.divorcekevin.com had to collect 200,000 signatures on their petition demanding you dump the twat. But hey, you've come to your senses at last. All is forgiven. Now where is that red pvc suit of yours?

- Oh, the other good news is the Democrat's comprehensive win in the US. Kevin and the Republicans getting dumped in one week. Does it get any better?!

Chaplains

2006-11-01T15:53:00.000+11:00

You know what this world really really needs? More religion!

What's that you say in horror?

Northern Ireland? Millions of Catholics dying of AIDS? Islamic Fundamentalism? Female Circumcision? Homophobia? Assisting the Nazis? Covering up child abuse?

Ah, that's all minor stuff. Every group in society has its faults! Come on. I mean surely if we forgive the Scottish for being tightarses and the Yanks for being stupid then we can forgive organised religion giving the world wars, disease, prejudice and Hitler?

Let's put all of that to one side and concentrate on what religion does best - it installs 'good' 'christian' values in our young people of course.

And so with this in mind John Howard has announced that the government is spending $90 million of OUR money on subsidising the cost of employing Chaplains in state, and wait for it, PRIVATE schools. Way to go Johnny! Not only is he going to waste $90 million of our money on something that is completely unnecessary but he is going to give a lot of it to schools that are already loaded. Brilliant! So a cleaner earning $25K a year is now not only subsidising the private school fees of the rich but is now also subsidising the religious indoctrination of the rich. Wow! Now that's a fair go society.

Now, John could have agreed to fund secular school counsellors - you know the types who don't bang on about abstinence from sex and live in the real world. But no they would be far too leftwing, radical and liberal for our Johnny. So he thought, bugger the separation of church and state I'll just ride roughshod over a hundred odd years of tradition (tradition being a thing that Johnny usually loves so much) and inject religion into the public realm.

Well, I am glad he is putting our money towards the real crisis areas of Australian society.

Anonymous Lefty has more.

Grrr...

2006-11-01T15:01:00.000+11:00

Just over 3 weeks ago I joined the Australian Labor Party or the Victorian branch of the party to be precise.

I did this for several reasons, the main being that the more I live here the more I loathe little Johnny and I want to channel my hatred towards him and his party in a more constructive way than simply ranting on this blog from time to time (as therapeutic as this undoubtedly is). Now, I have no great affinity to the ALP, I think Beazley is an uninspiring leader whose time has been and gone and I also think the party here is still far too tied up with the Union movement. Of course the labour movement forms the foundation of any social democratic party but the party must realise that it's elected to act for all the people not just union members.

ANYWAY, I put these doubts to one side and filled in my internet application form a few weeks ago. I am yet to hear back from them - unlike with the Labour Party in the UK you aren't just immediately signed up but instead have to go through an approval process.

What with the Victorian election campaign kicking off I thought it was a good time to get involved and do some work for the party. And then came this

Now I joined the party more because I was against the other party (Liberals) than I was FOR Labor. The Victorian Labor Party seem pretty timid to me and I am not a fan of Brack's social conservatism. However, they are still a billion times better than the Conservative parties.

I joined Labor because I am against bigotry about civil unions, I am against religious attempts to stop stem cell research, I am against the outrageous new media laws that have just been passed in the federal parliament, I am against the breaking down of the separation of church and state, I am against the ridiculous 'War on Drugs', I am against rightwing nuts with their simplistic, prejudiced view of the world. It so happens that the Labor Party shares my philosophy in most of these areas.

Then why oh why are they even considering giving their preferences to the rightwing, morality hatemob that is Family fucking First? They hold opinions that Labor should be diametrically opposed to and I detest everything they and their cunthead of a leader, Steve Fielding, stand for. The reason Labor are doing this is because they are worried about the Green vote in a few inner city seats but surely they should realise that giving FF their preferences will only make leftwing people vote primarily for the Green Party?

So, I emailed the ALP today and said I want to put my membership on hold. I simply will not donate a single cent or minute to any cause that may end up benefiting the very people who I think are so damaging to our society.

If the ALP does decide to give FF its preferences it will be a very very sorry day and an utter betrayal of their principals, its members and the hundreds of thousands of people who vote for them.

I await their decision with interest.

Keeping abreast of Melbourne's ever changing skyline

2006-10-24T16:28:00.000+10:00

I was wandering around the city today and noticed this wonderful new addition to the Melbourne skyline. I thought I'd share it with you all...

The Crocs are a Burning!

2006-10-24T16:21:00.000+10:00

So, since my rant about Crocs I have discovered that the trend for wearing these spastic shoes is not just confined to Australia but is spreading its evil across the globe.

But there is hope. A crack team of sane, well dressed, well adjusted people have set up the excellent web site www.ihatecrocs.com I urge you all to go visit and join in on the vitriol being hurled at the makers of Crocs. Maybe buy a T-Shirt or if you can't afford to donate any money towards the good fight then sit back, relax and watch this video of the dudes behind ihatecrocs burning a Croc down to a smouldering heap. Enjoy!

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Enough is Enough

2006-10-19T16:28:00.000+10:00

RIGHT! It's time to take a stand. It's time to say enough is enough. No more. There has to be a better way.

What am I talking about? The war in Iraq? Nope. The Liberal Party's new media laws? Nope. Global Warming? Afraid not. Global Poverty? Nope, it's far more serious than that.

No, it's time for all right minded, sane people to stand up and be counted because this madness has to be stopped.

I am, of course, talking about the crime against fashion, commonsense and humanity that is the Croc shoe:

Lovely aren't they? I don't know if they've spread their evil outside of Australia yet (please god let this only be a local trend) but I can't take it anymore. Why on Earth are people wearing these monstrosities? Thongs/Flip Flops are cool - they look good, they keep your feet cool in the summer, they go with lots of clothes.

Crocs look like the type of shoe that would be dished out to a busload of mental psychotics to wear on their annual day trip outside of the asylum. After being strapped securely to a patient's foot the wearer can't then use their toenails to stab an innocent passerby to death and the rubber casing means that self harm via shoewear is also negated.

I mean seriously. Come on people! Do you honestly think these look remotely good?? You look like a twat! Stop it. Have some dignity and go and burn them as quickly as you can. Someone is getting rich because you think its cool to wear these on your feet.

If any of my readers wear these then please go into the comments section and leave an explanation of why. I need reasons goddamit. I have already excluded 'because they look good' (simply not possible) 'because they keep my feet cool in the summer' (no, plastic makes your feet sweat), because they are like, you know, really right on and hippy-ish (well apart from the fact they are made from a fossil fuel). So come on, someone come on here and justify their existence! I am all ears.

Faith Schools

2006-10-17T13:32:00.000+10:00

If you can be bothered then I would highly recommend reading pieces today from Martin Samuel of The Times and Polly Toynbee of The Guardian. They are both about the increasing number of publicly funded faith schools in the UK. In these times of a yearning for a more inclusive, integrated society it is complete madness to increase religious segregation amongst children.

Faith schools should not receive ANY public money and any that are currently dependent on such revenue should either be taken over by the education department or turned into private schools. How can the Government possibly justify funding a school that teaches creationism? Or that gives girls a different education from boys?

England!

2006-10-12T16:53:00.000+10:00

After my big rant about the new media legislation yesterday I was hoping to write a more light hearted piece today but I'm afraid I am going to have to have another rant. It's not my fault though, if England had managed to beat the team that the football giant Australia kicked out of the world cup last night then I'd have nothing to rant about (well, I clearly would but that's not the point!)

England, bloody England. Yet another dark day in the life of an England football fan is upon us. After meekly drawing 0-0 with football heavyweights Macedonia on Saturday, England lost 2-0 to Croatia last night in Zagreb. What looked like an easy qualifying group for Euro 2008 is now in danger of turning into a Graham Taylor-esque disaster.

And who is to blame? The FA. That's who.

It's become very fashionable of late for football writers and commentators to start espousing the opinion that maybe the England players aren't actually good enough to win anything and that the fans should just accept this fact of life. Bollocks to that I say. The fact is, is that they are good enough to win a major tournament but their talent has been squandered through those uber cunts at the FA making appalling decisions regarding who to give the job of being England manager.

You would have thought that after England's insipid, bland, dull, mediocre, dire, uninspiring performance at this year's world cup that the FA would seek a break from the Sven Yawn Ericcsson era. But no! What do they do? They appoint Sven's 'mastermind' Steve Cunting McClaren. A man whose achievements in club football include winning the league cup for Middlesborough and erm...mmm...err...losing 4-0 to Seville in the UEFA cup final, also with Middlesborough. Yes, he's just the man for the job! A known protagonist of boring, route one, defensive football - just what the England team needs!

This of course came about after the FA's utterly farcical attempt to recruit Scolari before the World Cup. Scolari clearly realised he was dealing with a bunch of utter retards and so rightly told them to fuck off.

So this is how we have ended up where we are today. Nothing has changed since Sven - oh, apart from dropping our best free kick taker out of the squad. In fact, I think it's actually going to get worse.

Let's face it, at least with Sven we qualified for tournaments, comfortably and we usually scraped through to the QFs. But with McClaren even these small victories seem as likely as Peter Crouch suddenly morphing into a player of international quality.

What a fucking shambles. Thanks FA! Thanks for destroying any dreams England fans have of winning anything in the near future.

CUNTS.

Australia's Media Laws

2006-10-11T16:07:00.000+10:00

The Howard crusade to stamp out any dissent in Australian public life continues at apace. First, he got rid of those annoying leftwing types at Australian unions by abolishing VSU fees, then he started to stack the ABC board with extreme anti-ABC conservatives like Keith Windschuttle and Janet Albrechtsen. Now he has turned his attention to the commercial media sector. Now what does he see before him? A country whose media is completely and utterly dominated by PBL and News Ltd - both big supporters of the Liberal party. But hang on, what's this?! Two widely read papers exist in Melbourne (The Age) and Sydney (The Sydney Morning Herald) that don't churn out Liberal propaganda on a day to day basis - they must be crushed!! That's clearly too much diversity and opposition for our John - TWO broadsheet papers not toeing the line in a country of 20 million.

And so this is how we have got to today's media laws which are being rammed through the senate with Barnaby Joyce meekly capitulating as usual and deciding to vote with the government.

The current laws, introduced by Keating, do not allow one media owner to control more than one medium ('mediums' in this instance being free to air TV, free to air Radio and newspapers) in a particular marketplace. So Murdoch can only own a newspaper in Sydney and Melbourne but not a free to air TV channel or a radio station. Packer can own magazines and a TV channel in Perth but not a newspaper as well. These restrictions ensure a diversity in the local media marketplace and more importantly ensure a diversity of opinion. Why the hell is there any public interest imperative in relaxing these restrictions so that media conglomerates can own 2 out of 3 mediums in one market?

Well, it's obvious. When the leash is taken off, the Packers will be making a beeline for Fairfax, owner of The Age & SMH, and suddenly the only mainstream voices in the Australia media that offer any serious criticism of the Liberal government will be gutted and transformed into yet more Conservative rags.

Who exactly has demanded these changes? The Australian public? I don't think giving yet more power and money to the Murdochs and Packers was on top of most people's national priorities. I can't see many people thinking 'Well I know the public education system is a mess, interest rate rises are crippling me, Iraq is a disaster and my job security has disintegrated since the IR laws BUT my number one priority is that that nice Mr Murdoch and that lovely Mr Packer be given more control over the information I receive. I mean the other things are kind of important but I would rather parliament use it's precious time to help those two fellows out...'

I have written before about the scandal that is media law in Australia and this is more proof of the pudding. It's clear that the consumer is utterly irrelevant in media regulations and that the laws are shaped purely for the benefit of the Liberal Party and its media mogul chums and benefactors.

It's nothing less than a scandal and I would like to hear a single reason given by the government as to why these new laws are in the public interest. You won't hear a simple reason given and any spin trotted out by Coonan and her bunch of cunts will be vacuous nonsense banged out simply to deceive and fool the Australian public into thinking that the government is acting in their interest.

Pffft.

Hypocrisy

2006-09-28T16:51:00.000+10:00

What an utter fucking disgrace the Liberal Government in this country is. Howard and Costello never shirk from demonising Muslims and demanding they conform to 'Australian Values'. Even though the proportion of Muslims that don't embrace the Australian mainstream are tiny in number.

When asked about the Exclusive Brethren sect, whose members aren't allowed to vote, do not allow their children to go to university and do not allow married women to work both Costello and Howard refused to criticise the weirdos. Yes, they are really part of the Australian 'mainstream' aren't they? Can you imagine the utter hoo ha there would be if this was an Islamic sect? Costello and Howard would be all over it like a cheap fucking suit.

No, of course they aren't racist or prejudiced they just think that white Christian fundamentalists are cool whilst brown Muslims fundamentalists are bad. Nothing racist in that at all. Can you hear that dog whistling?

The day that wanker Howard fucks off the better.

Latte Zero

2006-09-28T15:33:00.000+10:00

After the wife made a less than complimentary remark about the quantity of grabbable fat I have round my middrift I have decided that it's time to take a stand and start taking drastic action to curb my increasingly large belly. Sacrifices have to be made.

From today it's low fat milk in coffee for me all the way. Not a big step I grant you but there's no way on Earth I could even countenance the idea of not having my daily chocolate bar or not having my weekly take away or reducing the quantity of beer I drink. So the only room I can see for a less gluttonous life is to reduce the amount of fat I have in my daily cappuccino.

Except there is a problem. And that's the name given by coffee places to their low fat offerings: the 'skinny' latte or 'skinny' cappuccino.

Now, I don't know what it is but I just can't think of that name without images of that skinny bitch Nicole Ritchie coming into my head or some vapid Californian bimbo ordering coffee in some god awful Beverley Hills cafe. It's just so...feminine. How many men do you know order 'Skinny' coffees? It just sounds wrong coming out of male lips. I meekly asked for a low fat cappuccino this morning as I couldn't bare saying the words.

Surely there are lots of men who need to lose a few kilos who'd like to order a coffee without sounding like a presenter of Queer Eye For the Straight Guy?

So I propose a new manly name for low fat coffee - Latte Zero. It worked with Coca Cola, who realised just how feminine Diet Coke was so bought out a butch version instead. Now is the time for the same thing to happen to coffee.

Blair

2006-09-27T15:47:00.000+10:00

So the long goodbye has begun.

In my infinite geekiness I decided to stay up last night to watch some political history in action - Blair's last ever address to the Labour Party conference as its leader.

I thought the speech was superb. It was policy lite of course but this speech was always going to be about Blair thanking the party, reminding them of the massive achievements they've secured during the past ten years and warning them not to return to the infighting that kept Labour in opposition for so many years in the Eighties.

No one in the UK can come close to delivering that kind of performance and it reminded me once again what a tragedy it is that his decision to go to war in Iraq has effectively finished his premiership and cast a long dark shadow over his term in office.

However, putting that aside it was great to hear someone passionately articulate why the UK is a much better country now than it was in 1997. People think the advancements of the past 10 years have just happened. Well they haven't. Progressive initiatives and policies like tax credits, gay civil unions, peace in Northern Ireland, devolution to Scotland and Wales, a massive reduction of children living in poverty and an end to the NHS' Winter crises HAVEN'T just happened. They have happened because there has been a Labour government.

He is simply the finest politician of his generation and I wonder how much some Labour MPs and members will now regret their disgraceful behaviour of the past few weeks.

Puke

2006-09-27T12:26:00.000+10:00

If you are about to eat then I would advise against reading this piece from the Washington Times as you may well puke straight afterwards. It's about how George Bush feels 'anguish' about the deaths of US soldiers.

I loathe the way all politicians of all parties use soldiers for party political purposes. They don't give a flying fuck about soldiers, they simply view them as cannon fodder to be used in their unnecessary, illegal, corrupt warmongering. George Bush couldn't give a damn whether 2,000 or 20,000 American troops get killed in Iraq - all he cares about is how the deaths will effect his polling figures. If he had any deceny they wouldn't be there in the first place.

2006-09-25T16:04:00.000+10:00

Mark Latham astonishing post politics career continues on its downward path. Today he has written a piece in The Age to promote his new book, which is a compendium of quotes and insults. Choice quote:

One of the saddest things I have seen in my lifetime has been the decline in Australian male culture, the loss of our larrikin language and values. This has been squeezed out of society by a number of powerful influences: the crisis in male identity brought about by changes in the workplace and family unit; the rise of left-feminism in the 1970s and 1980s, with its sanitising impact on public culture; and, more recently, the prominence of neo-conservatism and its timid approach to social behaviour and language. Australian mates and good blokes have been replaced by nervous wrecks, metrosexual knobs and toss-bags. I saw so many of them in politics, from all states, parties and factions. It's the revenge of the nerds, John Howard-style.

Honestly, where to begin? This man stood for election in 2004 as the leader of the Labor Party. No wonder John Howard got voted back in with an increased majority.

Photos

2006-09-21T16:07:00.000+10:00

Two photos took my interest on the web today. The first is of Madonna's brand new hair cut and very nice it is too:

The next photo is slightly more alarming. In order to commemorate her husband's death, Jake Kovco's wife has got a lovely tattoo of him slapped on her arm. Delightful.

A bit harsh to pick on a widow granted. But there is simply no excuse for such bad taste.

10 Most Hated Celebrities

2006-09-21T15:56:00.000+10:00

The Age publishes a list of the top ten most hated celebrities on its 'Trash Talk' blog today. Two of my favourite gals were featured in the top ten, Britney and Paris. Boo!

To join in the fun here are mine:

1) Tom Cruise
2) Mel Gibson
3) Pete Doherty
4) Kevin Federline
5) Missy Higgins
6) Kelly Clarkson
7) Sandi Thom
8) H from Steps
9) Geri Halliwell
10) Jeremy Clarkson

Stupid people arging over whose imaginary friend is the best.

2006-09-18T14:46:00.000+10:00

Unfortunately, I am not surprised in the slightest by the reaction in the Islamic world to Pope Benedict's speech on Friday in which he quoted some old dude saying that Mohammed was a wrong'un - yes, a slightly dumbed down version for sure. But not nearly as dumb as thousands of people protesting violently in the streets because someone dared to quote someone else saying something derogatory about their idol.

Hell, if someone said Madonna was the root of all evil I'd have a few choice words to say back to them but I wouldn't feel the need to burn effigies or murder a nun in retaliation. It is absolutely ridiculous that people cannot handle their imaginary friends being criticized or slandered. If their faith was so strong then surely words like those uttered by the Pope wouldn't bother them and surely they could handle a few insulting cartoons? It is absolutely pathetic, and dismaying, that this nonsense is still taking place in the year 2006.

A couple of things

2006-09-18T14:40:00.000+10:00

The Age 'Daily Truth' blog has more on 'Australian Values'. Worth a read...

My UK readers will no doubt be more than familiar with the work of some fucking bird called Sandi Thom. She has only just hit these shores and I have to say her song 'I wish I was a punk rocker' is one of the most hideous, insipid pieces of shite I have heard since Simply Red released 'Fairground'. It's one of those tunes that in my head is up there with listening to someone scrape their nails down a blackboard or hard house.

Some stupid bint from Australian Idol sang it a few weeks ago and I honestly could not believe just how bad the tune was. It is now being played all the time on Australian radio and apparently it is or has been number one. God help us all.

ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

What a load of utter bollocks

2006-09-15T16:31:00.000+10:00

And so the 'values' debate rumbles on in Australia. In a society that is largely at peace with itself it seems odd to me that the pollies are talking about it as if there are regular riots on the streets and the islamists are about to tear down the liberal institutions that make this country so 'great' and start raping all the women and stoning people to death for committing adultery.

Today when asked to define Australian values both the PM and Beazley nominated 'mateship' as one of them. Beazley actually went further than Howard and said that mateship is 'uniquely Australian.' Is he actually for real? Surely 'mateship' is one of the most common features of any society in any country in the world? I had loads of English friends in England - I called them 'mates', they called me 'mate'. Well fuck me, it seems that I was deluded the whole time and my friendships with them clearly had nothing on the friendships shared between people in Australia. What a load of absolute bollocks this is. It's good to have shared values but this is ridiculous - surely Australians should be over their identity crisis by now?

The Age blog has more.

Britney has a boy!

2006-09-14T14:29:00.000+10:00

As I am sure you are all aware, Britney has had a baby boy.

All I could think about was how that once wonderful midrift of hers must be now destroyed by her selfish maternal instincts. I met a cat a few months ago who was once used for breeding and she had a very floppy belly which hung down and brushed along the floor whenever she walked anywhere. I then had the nightmare vision of Britney being afflicted with the same disfigurement. But then I realised in celebrity land they have plastic surgeons who remove all signs of pregnancy from their bodies.

Hurrah for plastic surgery!

Bored...

2006-09-14T14:24:00.000+10:00

God, I have been very poor with my blogging lately haven't I? I think it's because I am so monumentally bored during the day that my enthusiasm for anything is disappearing more and more as each day passes.

Boredom is one of the most frustrating of all emotions. Your whole day turns into a pursuit of ANYTHING to do but because you are so unstimulated it actually reduces your motivation to do anything. The crushing thing is that this will last for about another 10 months before I can do anything about it.

Advice kids - Debt. It's not big (well actually, it's fucking ginormous in my case) and it's not clever.

Labor's woeful policies

2006-09-14T14:04:00.000+10:00

Despite announcing a few policies this year that I championed, it is clear to me that the Labor Party stands as much chance of winning next year's federal election as I do of skipping back in time and assassinating Kevin Ferderline before he boned Britney.

The latest pledge from Labor is so poor, so populist and so badly thought out it should be an embarrassment to all those who thought of it. They propose that all visitors into Australia be made to sign a declaration in which they declare respect for Australian 'values' such as mateship, equal rights for women and the rule of law.

I have a problem with this policy for various reasons:

1) It won't stop terrorism. As if an Al Quedia operative, on his way to blow up the Opera House, is going to sign this statement at customs and then suddenly be full of love and respect for the Australian way of life - so much so that he abandons his plan to murder them.

2) It increases the 'us' and 'them' divide. It insinuates that foreigners don't and can't respect another country's laws and traditions when they visit them.

3) Will Labor politicians be willing to sign a similar declaration if they visited say, Saudi Arabia? I sure as hell wouldn't.

Everyone, yes even those dirty foreigners, knows that when you go to another country you shouldn't break the laws of that country. Is there any evidence to suggest that tourists coming into Australia are running around abusing women? Trying to inject Islam into Schools? Trying to destroy 'mateship'?

It's an absolute loads of bollocks. I am all for a greater emphasis on citizenship and a greater focus on the values and morals that bind us together as a society. But this pledge of Labor's is nothing but meaningless symbolism. If this is the best they have, they may as well give up now. Howard must be pissing himself.

Blair's forced exit

2006-09-07T12:10:00.000+10:00

I remember walking down Whitehall on the morning of May 2nd 1997, it was a windy but sunny day and there was a feeling of joy and liberation in the air. Finally, finally, we'd got rid of those bastards and someone with compassion, with understanding, with decency, with integrity was about to move into Number 10. Even Tory voters didn't seem that bothered that the party they had been voting for in the last 20 years had been defeated. I strolled down to the gates of Downing Street and waved Tony Blair into his new home. Genuinely elated.

2001, Tony delivered again. Another landslide majority. Another thumping mandate from the British public for the Labour Party.

2005, a lot closer but still a 66 majority.

Blair is, by far, the most electorally successful Labour prime minister of all time. His parliamentary majorities in 1997 and 2001 were bigger than anything Thatcher ever achieved even when Labour were writing the 'longest suicide note in history' back in 1983.

For these reasons it seems perverse to me that his own party is now moving against him. Yesterday, junior minister Tom Watson and 7 parliamentary private Secretaries resigned and have forced Blair to prepare a timetable for his departure, which he announce later today. This is madness. Blair said before the last election that he would go during this term of office, everyone has understood that he will step down next year. Why was there a need to turn this seemingly orderly process into a bloodbath? Voters don't like divided, navel gazing parties. The PPSs that have resigned say that they fear a catastrophic result for Labour in next May's local elections if Blair doesn't go soon. But do they honestly think that the average voter will care? Seems to me that the real issues people will care about will be health, crime, education, immigration and the economy. They will know that Blair intended to go next year and will now punish the party for being too obsessed with itself and not concentrating enough on administering government policies.

I understand the calls for renewal, I understand the twitchiness of those MPs in marginal constituencies but this infighting was completely unnecessary. Those MPs who were elected in 2001, and who signed the letter asking Blair to go, should remember who put them there in the first place.

I've previously said Mr Blair's time is up and I think it is. But after all he has done for the party he should have been allowed a 'dignified' exit. The only people who will benefit from this are the Tories.

Spring is in the air!

2006-09-01T15:51:00.000+10:00

It's the first of September today - hurrah! The Winter months are over for us down here in the Southern Hemisphere. It is 23c and sunny in Melbourne today. To put this in perspective for my English readers, this is the equivalent of it being 23c on March 1st in the UK. NEVER. GONNA. HAPPEN.

Melburnians take this all in their stride though and many can still be seen walking the streets wrapped up in big coats and woolly jumpers. Bloody Australians don't get excited until it hits at least 35c. Melburnians sure do enjoy the first warm day of the year post winter but you don't see the hysteria you do in the UK when the thermometer finally smashes through the 19c mark in late April. I guess it's because they know that they have about 8 months of this in store, whereas in the UK it might only last for an absolute maximum of 8 weeks.

Fuck me, I am talking about the weather.

I've been here for nearly two years now.

Could I be more English?

*races off to find nearest pub with people drinking on pavement and looks forward to some early summer sunburn*

Speeding

2006-08-31T16:21:00.000+10:00

I got my first ever speeding fine through the post the other day. Now, I'm not going to go off on some wank Jeremy Clarkson 'I'm a selfish, ignorant, boorish twat who thinks I can do anything I like and fuck the rest of the world' rant. Nope. I was caught doing 109kph in a 100kph. Fair cop gov. You got me. I'll pay the $135. I have no complaints, if I hadn't have sped then I wouldn't be getting fined. Simple as that.

One thing that did make me laugh though was the wife. About 30mins after we left the stretch of road on which I was speeding she mentioned that she saw I was speeding for quite a long stretch of the road. I knew I was going about 10kph over the limit but because it was a highway and because everyone else was doing it I wasn't concerned and I never once thought there would be speed cameras on the road considering how detached it was from a residential setting.

Then when the fine landed in our postbox the other day, the wife says to me that the stretch of road I was speeding on is notorious for the amount of speed cameras it has. Gee thanks, Wifey. Why couldn't you have told me this whilst I was actually going 9kph over the speed limit? Pffft.

Bugger, I have turned into Jeremy Cuntson - I'm blaming other people for my mistakes. Still, at least I'm not a fat cunt. Yet.

Bang My Ass.com

2006-08-30T14:48:00.000+10:00

I always look at my Stat Counter with a feeling of disappointment at my low readership numbers but also with happiness that at least one person other than the wife is looking at my ramblings.

Anyway, I checked out today from which sites my readers are coming from. I was amused to see the following URL in the list of sites from which people had clicked through to Well, Clearly.

www.google.at/search?hl=de&q=bangmyass&meta=

Mmm...that sounds interesting I thought. I have had an Austrian visitor and they found the site by searching for the term 'bangmyass' on Google Austria. And indeed if you click the link above you'll see little old me 5th down on the list. I can't help but feel that the searcher was maybe a tad disappointed when he clicked on the link and instead of gaping assholes he saw a rant about the Labour Party. hee hee.

Dance music not quite dead yet.

2006-08-30T14:19:00.000+10:00

The Guardian's pretentious 'Rock Critic' Alex Petridis wrote a notorious column in 2003 in which he proclaimed that dance music was dying and 'as a youth cult, dance music seems to be in terminal decline. And it has no one to blame but itself.'

Alex was himself a clubber once, and like a lot of people who drift away from clubbing he likes to mock and denigrate the scene that he once held so dear. You know the types and the cliched sayings they come out with: 'It's not as good as it used to be' or 'It's too commercial these days' or 'The music was much better in my day'. Of course, the reality is that the scene is still producing great music and great parties and hundreds of thousands of people are dancing to repetitive beats across the globe, all having a fantastic time.

When you become a jaded clubber due to health reasons, getting too old to cope with Mondays or simply turning into a miserable bastard the easiest way to cope with this loss of hedonistic libido is to blame the scene rather than look at yourself. Once the jadedness sets in, it becomes fashionable to look at everything through a pair of cynic sunglasses (not oversized mind you, you'd look too much like a clubber at Space then) and suddenly it's cooler to sneer than to celebrate.

Anyway, there have been a few articles in the English press that show that Mr Petridis may have been speaking utter bollocks all along. I could never have predicted it personally. I mean surely one man's descent into cynicism provides the ultimate clear headed analysis of the current state of club culture?

Raves are apparently on their way back in the UK and Ibiza is experiencing its busiest season for years. The Observer states that:

A resurgence in the popularity of dance music and the rave culture that has seen nearly all of Ibiza's superclubs, such as Space and Pacha, break records for visitor numbers seems certain to continue for the rest of the summer.

Alex writes in today's Guardian about the sudden increase of illegal raves and Alex, being Alex, puts this down to young people's desire to break away from the corporatist mainstream where every festival is sponsored by a mobile phone company or brewery.

What Alex neglects to mention in his article is that this new movement actually seems to quite enjoy dance music as well. The 'Yoof' seem to be back onboard the good ship Bosh. Well I never. It also appears that increasing numbers of people are willing to fly to Ibiza and spend £30 to get into a club, spent £100's on drinks just to listen to those old, haggered superstar DJs, whom Alex disparaged so much in his 2003 column.

I expect a 'Indie is dead, dance music is the new cool' column in a few weeks Alex. I won't hold my breath though.

Britney Belching

2006-08-28T15:35:00.000+10:00

Britney's reputation takes yet another blow as a home video of her has been placed on the web and viewed by millions. The video clip was taken by fuckwit hubbie, Kevin and shows Britney tucking into a feast of chicken and chips, continuously belching whilst she rambles incoherently.

She claims that people have already invented a way of traveling through time just like in Back to the Future. Oh Britney, if only they had invented it and shared it with you. You could then travel back to three years ago and stop yourself shacking up with that parasite Kevin. Maybe you could reverse your decision to break if off from Justin Timberlake, after all you were fit then and Justin would never film you belching would he? If I find out about anyone who has invented a time travelling device I promise I'll point them your way immediately. Think of it as a present from me to you...

Maried Bliss

2006-08-28T14:07:00.000+10:00

A good piece from Caitlin Moran in today's Times..

There’s a new book in town that’s getting everyone riled: Guy Thomas Blews’s Marriage & How to Avoid It, which stakes out a bold arena for combat. In a nutshell, Blews’s claim is that a happy marriage is impossible. This is, he asserts, because human beings in general — but, really, when you come down to it, mainly men, grrr, the tigers — are incapable of lifelong relationships. They are compelled, at some point, to voyage out of the stifling environs of the wedding vows and bang that chick in marketing.
The tragedy for both Blews and his argument — which is as old as the hills, and about as sprightly — is that he is such an obviously damaged individual. Those opposing his claims have simply pointed out how uniquely unqualified he is to comment on marriage, rather than attack his actual argument head-on. Really, Blews has had the kind of life that would make anyone eschew the engagement-ring tray at Elizabeth Duke. His parents were locked in a loveless marriage, which he was able to observe only during the summer holidays from his boarding school. Subsequently, when Blews attained his majority, his first lover became so agonised in the final stages of her multiple sclerosis that she blew her head off with a shotgun. In any other age, Blews would probably have abandoned any further attempt at trying to deal with human relationships. He would simply have become a sad-eyed and slightly bitter monk, tending a vat of hyssop liqueur and kicking the priory’s chickens out of the way.
However, in the 21st century, the coping mechanism of the troubled middle classes is slightly different: they come up with a theory about how awful people are and then get a publishing deal. And, so, here we are with Marriage & How To Avoid It, which some cultural commentators (primarily the men’s magazines Nuts and Zoo, albeit that their commentary consists predominantly of “phwoar!”), have hailed as a great truth.
Of course, the concept that a man simply cannot be satisfied with a mere, single woman is ancient. The Greeks thought that men couldn’t be satisfied with women, full stop, and that they would have to flee into the bed of another man to have a decent relationship. The idea of homosexuality as a solution isn’t, oddly and sadly, much touted in modern society, but the theory behind it — that men must roam from the home — is still the same. It’s an idea that is always announced a little proudly. Men’s “natural physical urges” are “so strong” that they “cannot control themselves”. Men, of course, wouldn’t look proud of a single other “natural physical urge” “so strong” that they “cannot control” it — such as soiling their pants, or succumbing to sleep at the wheel of the car and being smashed to death under a lorry. Such a theory also ignores that if it’s by and large a “natural urge” for men to be unfaithful, then it’s also by and large a “natural urge” for their wives and children to wish them to be not unfaithful.
Men may very well be more prone to unfaithfulness. But then, women are more prone to investing too much in a relationship and subsequently becoming resentful and boorish. Both traits are equally likely to break up a marriage. But no one is advocating that women’s neediness is also a “natural urge” that can’t be controlled. Indeed, women tend to acknowledge their weaknesses, and subsequently buy tedious self-help books on the subject by the dozen. Interestingly, the self-help section in my local bookshop carries no books about curing infidelity aimed at men. This is, presumably, because the kind of men who buy into this theory of monogamy being impossible would rather exhaust themselves in persuading a sceptical humanity that their vices are irrevocable “natural urges” rather than simply to try to become better human beings.
While luck and synchronicity do play a part in it, the simple truth is that a happy, lifelong marriage tends to be the result of sheer hard work on both sides. Blews is a good-looking, charming man in his mid-thirties who is unlikely to see the value in a deal that involves selflessness, biting your tongue, minding your manners, repeatedly rejecting the heady thrill of a flirtation, and remembering to never, ever talk during a rerun of Moonlighting — not when he could be banging the chick from marketing, anyway.
But surely, at some point, he must ponder what the results of his theory will be. For myself, I can think of few things more aspirational than an old couple holding hands. That speaks of a lifetime of jokes, shags, winks, kids, secretly slagging off the neighbours, 52 Christmas trees, and crying with laughter at a some terrible new haircut.
Blews’s touted alternative, by comparison, does not seem like anything to wish for. For while society might still have a sneaking regard for the rampant stag, ultimately it dislikes a weak, priapic, sybaritic old goat in a Bath chair.

Coke is for losers

2006-08-24T12:19:00.000+10:00

Paul MacInnes of the Guardian, writes that Cocaine is losing its status as the 'cool' drug to take as the lead singer from the seriously uncool band, Keane, has checked into rehab due an addiction.

I've become more and more anti-cocaine as the years have gone by. There is not a single person who becomes a nicer, more interesting person on it than off it and it has caused more medical problems to friends of mine than any other drug ( and this despite it being taken in lower quantities than the other drugs). Ecstasy can increase your confidence, it inspires squishy niceness and empathy. LSD can expand your mind (apparently). Ketamine turns you into a child. Dope makes you eat lots of cookies. Coke turns you into a cunt. Nuff said.

Keep the UK secular!

2006-08-22T13:57:00.000+10:00

I read with utter dismay that Ruth Kelly, the UK Government's 'Community Minister', is requesting that a new government appointed commission consider a request from Muslim leaders in the UK that Muslim festivals become bank holidays.

Only three of the UK's current bank holidays fall on religious days - Christmas Day, Good Friday and Easter Monday. The rest are secular days.

One of the reasons, I believe, that the UK has such an integration problem between it's disparate groups of people is that the creed of multiculturalism has always been placed higher than an emphasis on shared and common values. This has led to race and religious ghettos springing up across the country from Bradford to Leicester. We need to break down divisions between groups NOT increase the divides. If Muslims are allowed to take off their religious festivals as bank holidays what is to stop Jewish people doing the same or Hindus or Siks or Buddhists? It would be chaos and would further increase the 'us and them' culture. Britain needs LESS religious segregation not more. If Muslims, or any other religious group, want to have days off for religious festivals then they can use their annual leave.

The UK is a secular country which has its traditions in Christianity. It is as simple as that. If any more bank holidays are introduced they should be secular in nature and capable of uniting the whole country - they should not be introduced by the Government as a sop to the Muslim community because the government is worried about them being pissed off.

If people want Sharia Law and days off for religious festivals maybe they would be better off moving to countries where these practices exist. They have no place in secular Britain.

Labour drops to 19 year low

2006-08-22T13:40:00.000+10:00

The Guardian today has the (not so?) shocking news that Labour's support in the latest ICM opinion poll stands at a 19 year low of 31%. The Tories, meanwhile, have risen to the magic mark of 40% and it now looks like the election in 2009 will be a very close affair.

The reason for this fall in support appears to be down to UK foreign policy. Only 1% of respondents thought that the government's foreign policy had made the country safer. That is a damning indictment of the policies that Blair and New Labour have been advocating over the past 5 years.

Even though I have not been living in the UK for two years I remain a loyal Labourite. I am opposed to most of Blair's foreign policy agenda but I think domestically they have done pretty much what they said they would - they have reduced poverty, introduced a minimum wage, increased democracy in the UK via devolution to Wales & Scotland, achieved a peace (of sorts) in Northern Ireland, reduced crime, introduced civil unions, increased spending for the NHS and education and seem to be sorting out public transport. That is a record to be proud of in my opinion, the tragedy for Blair is that his term in office will be defined by the utter mess in Iraq and his slavish devotion to George W Bush - his legacy will be one of reckless foreign adventures and an increasing terror threat to the UK.

We should not change our foreign policy because the risk of terrorist attacks has increased - that would be ridiculous, the UK cannot be blackmailed by a tiny extremist minority. But we should change our foreign policy because it is wrong, immoral and deeply damages the UK's national interest. It's time to change course Mr Blair.

Party Poopers

2006-08-18T16:43:00.000+10:00

The party poopers are out in force today on The Guardian...

Charlie Brooker laments the very concept of parties whilst Jeremy Langmead bemoans 40 something drug takers.

Funny reading from both.

Hero & Villian

2006-08-15T16:32:00.000+10:00

Hero of the day award goes to Judith Troeth, whose courageous decision to vote against the government's proposed migration amendments has meant that John Howard withdrew the bill from the senate rather than watch it be defeated. Hurrah for Judith - nice to see that there are still conservative MPs out there with integrity, decency and compassion. The Age has an interview with her here

Villian of the day goes to Don Randall who disgracefully linked the migration amendment bill with terrorism. He said:

The majority of Australians want tough border security. When you see what happened in the UK over the last week, it sends a very strong message to those pandering to the minorities in the Australian electorate.

Don't let the facts get the way of your argument Don! The alleged terrorists in the UK are all UK born and all have UK citizenship - they didn't arrive in the UK as 'boat people' fleeing persecution. No one is suggesting that the borders be open but people who are, genuinely, fleeing persecution do have the right to make applications for asylum and do have the right to appeal against any decision made - that's a fundamental right of anyone in a supposed liberal democracy. Sure, they are stay in Australia during the appeal process, but I don't think they are going to do much harm whilst locked up in detention are they? I hope the Australian people don't fall for his despicable scaremongering.

Round Up

2006-08-09T14:57:00.000+10:00

So, I've suffered from bloggers block again it appears! But there have been some interesting things that have gone on over the past few days. Some worthy of a 'Yay' for sure!

If you are a sad bastard like me with an interest in US politics, and you are of the liberal left anti-war section of society, then you'll be very pleased to know that Democrat warmonger Joe Lieberman has been defeated in his primary which was held in Connecticut yesterday. Hurrah! Read more here

My hero of the day award (which I am going to start today) goes to multiple winners: Liberal MPs Petro Georgiou, Judi Moylan, Russell Broadbent, Bruce Baird and Judith Troeth - all of whom are courageously standing up to the government over its outrageous new asylum laws which have been bought in to appease Indonesia. Let's hope they all have courage of their convictions and follow through on their threats to cross the floor in the upcoming vote.

Johann Harri, of London's Independent, has written a superb column on why the British Right hates the UK so much. I've been meaning to write a blog on exactly this for a while but never got round to it. So, now Johann has done it I can be lazy and point you here to read it!

A big boo goes to Telstra for pulling out of their plan to build a super fast broadband network in Australia. But then again, what do I care? I have ADSL2+ anyway. The only people who are going to miss out are those living in the bush and quite frankly fuck em! If you decide to live in the middle of nowhere then you really shouldn't expect to receive super fast broadband. End of.

Oh, and Melanie Phillips replied to my email with a very curt 'Thank you for your comments, Melanie'. Thanks Mel! :)

Ecstasy

2006-08-03T14:33:00.000+10:00

Rarely, if ever, is the drugs issue in the UK (or Australia) debated sensibly without misinformation, scare tactics and prejudice. But sanity does appear to be emerging in the drugs debate in the UK - a parliamentary committee there has been looking at the way that the UK classifies drugs and has found, surprise surprise, that the categories are based more on policy than on hard empirical science. You have the ludicrous situation in the UK where Ecstasy and Mushrooms are in the same class as Heroin and Cocaine. This simply makes a mockery of the whole system as it simply does not have any credibility.

The committee of MPs asked a panel of scientists, psychologists and experts to put drugs (including alcohol and tobacco) in order according to their real harm. Heroin and Cocaine came out at the top, as expected, but probably the biggest 'surprise' was that ecstasy was classified as the third least harmful drug - way behind tobacco and alcohol. Of course, those of us in the real world have known this for some time and have long argued that ecstasy should be downgraded, hell even David Cameron has floated the idea of downgrading it (no doubt because he used to take it in his wild days).

I welcome this new approach to drug classification but remain extremely sceptical about it being implemented by the Home Secretary, John Reid. After all, governments of all colours have never allowed facts to get in the way of drugs policy so why will anything change now? Ecstasy will remain a class A drug alongside Heroin and people whom the government targets anti-drug campaigns at will continue to laugh at the ludicrous drug laws that exist.

Australia

2006-08-03T14:30:00.000+10:00

PS - Please do not mistrue my comments in my email to Melanie Philips as being some kind of anti-Australian rant. They aren't. I love Australia and I love Melbourne - I was merely trying to tell Ms Philips that Australia is not the land of milk and honey like she thinks it is. It has its own problems just like any country does...

Mad Mel loves Howard

2006-08-03T13:01:00.000+10:00

Mad Mel from the Daily Mail has penned a lovely tribute to John Howard in her column this week. I felt strangely compelled to write to her to take her to task over the outrageously one sided argument she presents. Here is her column and below is my email...

Melanie,

You write in your Daily Mail column that Mr Howard, the PM of Australia, is a phenomenally successful PM. He has been PM of Australia for 10 years, Tony Blair will be PM of the UK for 10 years next year – will you be writing a similarly congratulatory and fawning column about his success come May 1^st next year? No, thought not.

What you neglect to mention in your column is how utterly inept the opposition is here in Australia, how Howard only won by the skin of his teeth in 2001 (due to the ‘Tampa’ incident.) You don’t mention how people have been locked up for EIGHT years in detention centres waiting for their claims to be processed, how the poor of Australia now subsidise the lifestyle choices of the middle classes, how aboriginals have a life expectancy of some TWENTY years below that of white Australians, how Australia has interest rates of 3% above the UK, how rich students in Australia are allowed to gain entry into courses with entry marks LOWER than other students. You didn’t mention any of this – why should you, it doesn’t fit into your ludicrously one sided perspective on the topic? Sure, Mr Howard has been extremely successful electorally, but as someone who is always banging on about morals you should realise that his electoral successes have come on the back of an alarming lack of morality, compassion and empathy. Australia does have a strong community spirit and is confident in it’s own identity (most of the time) and these things do contribute towards a more stable society (as does it’s more egalitarian make up) but Mr Howard is trying to destroy the very society he wishes existed by ramming through divisive new labour market laws – which has meant that Australia now has a less regulated labour market than the US! Rampant individualism is growing here and is replacing the bonding and ‘mateship’ that has made Australia into a peaceful, functioning society. When Howard’s generation grow up then expect Australia to quickly slide as happened in the UK when Thatcher’s ‘me first’ generation became the dominant force in society.

You talk about Mr Howard being against welfare but he has actually MASSIVELY increased the welfare state in Australia by extending it to the middle classes – the welfare state is now not just a safety net for those at the bottom but a payment system in which payments go to people & families in Australia that conform to his ideal of a ‘good’ lifestyle. My tax money goes to people who don’t need it just so they can send their children to private school. That’s the problem with conservatives – they say they don’t believe in nanny governments, but they clearly do. If the government is funding lifestyle choices they approve of then they are all for it. Give money to the feckless poor though and it’s a different matter. It’s the same all over the world.

As an aside, do you ever get tired of being so angry? The world really isn’t that bad Mel. Enjoy it J

Shaun

Big Brother comes to an end...

2006-08-01T16:46:00.000+10:00

Quelle Surprise! Mediocrity wins the day again as last night Jamie won Big Brother 2006. In a surprisingly close race he beat Camilla by 6% to take the title for this year. I was always doubtful that a strong, opinionated woman like Camilla could win BB and I was proven right - the Big Brother's producer's decision to reunite Jamie with his in house love, Katie, before he exited the house no doubt helped him secure the victory (before that slushy moment happened him and Camilla were running at 50% each). Why are the two remaining housemates allowed to meet people from the outside until they both exit the house after the winner has been announced? Isn't that, like, the point of BB? Last night's show was absolutely awful - two hours of cringe inducing shite and the show gave Jamie a blatant push in the voting, disgraceful.

This has been a very disappointing Big Brother year for me. It's clear than Channel 10 are now simply using it as nothing less than a cynical tool with which to make a fuck load of money. I have no problem with the premium rate SMS costs, no problem with them charging people to spend $1 a time to phone up their premium rate phone line, no problem with charging people to access the 'premium' services on the BB website. What I do have a problem with is the outrageous use of the show to try and flog products that are sold by their sponsors - the integration of '3' phones into a few features of the show was blatant (such as getting Jamie to try out the new Eye Camera thingy around the house *plug!*), the pathetic 'surprise' appearance of the Rogue Traders performing in the BB backgarden was clearly a stunt dreamed up by the Rogue Trader's PR company to increase publicity for their latest piece of musical dirge. Do Channel 10 think their audience is really that stupid not to see through all of this?

Channel 10 also introduced gimmicks a plenty into this year's series. 'The Insider' idea was moderately appealing but others were simply awful. Top of the list has to be BB's decision to let the housemates' Mums go into the house a few days ago whilst the housemates were locked in the diary room. They exited to find their mums had made their beds, left them food and bought new clothes with them. What???? The point of BB is that the housemates are kept away from the outside world AND their friends and families.

Obviously, Channel 10 are introducing all of these gimmicks (and there were plenty more that I can't be bothered to go in to) as they want to keep the program 'interesting'. Well, I've got some advice for Channel 10 - instead of all these tacky gimmicks why not just choose some INTERESTING house mates? Of different outlooks, ages and backgrounds - rather than just 10 18-21 white, middle class girls and boys with a token gay guy and a token older woman thrown in for good measure. I won't hold my breath though - expect more identikit housemates next year and more cynical attempts to use the show as nothing more than a PR tool for corporations to flog their products/crap music.

Will I still watch? Of course I will. Expect a similar moan this time in 2007.

Until next year.

Paris in IBIZA

2006-07-31T15:56:00.000+10:00

Paris Hilton was spotted at Space, Ibiza last week for Carl Cox's Tuesday shindig. If she was avin' it to Mr Cox then she's gone up in my estimations. I doubt she even knows who Carl Cox is though and probably spent her time ligging around the VIP area. I haven'tseen any pictures to confirm it either way but I can't imagine her front centre, all sweaty and having a bosh to some techno...Can you?

Hurrah! Goodbye David...

2006-07-31T15:49:00.000+10:00

My faith in the Australian public and general humanity was given a massive boost last night when David was booted out of the Big Brother house. I was beginning to think that he may win the whole bloody thing as people would warm to his pathetic emotional bluster and his 'sincerity' and 'integrity'. I didn't buy it for a second and instead saw a completely emotionally retarded individual who was utterly incapable of communicating with groups of human beings, patronised people on a regular basis and was earnest to the bitter end. He did have some good qualities of course and I'm pleased for him that his coming out experience on TV went well and that he now feels accepted by the Australian public.

So, we're left with Camilla & Jamie for tonight's final. It really is a matter of choosing the lesser fuckwit of the two. I've not really warmed to anyone on this series of BB and there hasn't been a Vesna like character who has really made me want to back them to win. I'll be voting for Camilla tonight though, I think it would be good for a strong, opinionated person to win for a change rather than just a nice, boy next door type like Jamie. I don't think the public really likes bolshy women like Camilla so I'll be amazed if she pulls it off...More tomorrow.

Howard stays on

2006-07-31T15:37:00.000+10:00

In the most predictable news story to emerge since the announcement that there were no WMD in Iraq, John Howard has announced that he will stay on and fight the next election. Peter Costello has also announced that he is staying on as Treasurer but when asked what he thought of the PM's decision to stay on he tellingly replied, "It doesn't matter how I feel. That's the outcome." I think it's pretty safe to say that Costello is feeling as sick as a parrot!

Anyway, even though I don't like Howard I think he was right to stay on - it's clear that he has massive support still in the Liberal Party and more importantly, in Australia. There is no doubt in my mind, that baring a major economic downturn, Howard will romp to victory next Autumn and another three years of Liberal government will be secured. Why risk that and try out Costello? There's no way that Blair would be going in the UK if he enjoyed Howard's level of support. The saying is that all political careers end in failure, is John Howard destined to become the exception to this rule?

2006-07-27T13:57:00.000+10:00

The banana shortage in the People's Republic of Australia continues. The Australian has more....

Election Day?

2006-07-27T13:38:00.000+10:00

It appears that the traditional election night fest that occurs at the end of a British general election may be under threat - this is because of proposed changes to how postal votes are counted and verified. If the changes are enacted then the results will be announced in the afternoon after election day was held.

A massive big BOO to this I say!!! The Guardian's editoral today explains why it would be a shame to change this tradition...

Reasons to vote Labor

2006-07-25T12:50:00.000+10:00

I can't vote in next years federal election (as I won't be a citizen by then) however, if I did have that privilege then Labor would have just given me the first reason I've seen thus far to vote for them (other than hating Howard/Liberal Party of course).

The current system of full fee paying students being able to get into university courses with marks lower than Govt supported students is a disgrace and an anathema in a supposed merit based society. Labor is absolutely right in it's proposal to abolish these places and right to pledge to make up the funding gap. Maybe they could use the $112 million pledged by the Govt to subsidise anti-porn filters as start...

Subsidising the rich

2006-07-25T12:38:00.000+10:00

The true Tory party agenda, to make rich people richer, is being suppressed by David Cameron who wants to portray his party as a movement in the mold of Continental European Christian Democrats. The problem with this, as I have mentioned before, is that the true beliefs of his 'comrades' keep coming to the fore. The latest is a ridiculous proposal from the Bow Group to replace council tax, inheritance tax, capital gains tax and the TV license fee with a single flat rate tax equivalent to 1% of the value of the payer's home.

Ross Clark superbly pulls apart this proposal in today's Times. Spot on, Ross.

Here in Australia we've seen a rightwing government introduce scheme after scheme which have resulted in the poor of society subsidising the lifestyles of the wealthy. I can only hope that Labour in the UK doesn't implode and realises that it must do all it can to prevent the Conservatives regaining power. This means an end to it's squabbling, an end to any hint of corruption and a concentration on what really matters: governing well and selling it's progressive message to the UK populace.

It's a Scorcher!

2006-07-20T16:32:00.000+10:00

Britain has experienced it's hottest July day ever - temperatures peaked at 36.5c in Wisley, Surrey. Of course the UK has gone into meltdown over this as it once again reasserts it's claim to be the country in the world that is the most incapable of coping with extreme weather.

One great thing though about the onset of the extremely hot weather is that it has heralded the annual appearance of a quintessential British classic - The Sun's 'Phew What a Scorcher Guv'nor!' splash.

All the boxes have been ticked...

- Is the temperature in the headline expressed in Fahrenheit rather than Celsius as this makes it look like really really hot ? Tick!

- Is there a picture of some fit bird probably called Denise on her lunch break from Natwest, frolicking in a bikini in a fountain in Trafalgar Square / Lake in Hyde Park / Random waterfall? Tick!

- Is there reference to how the temperature in the UK was better than that in [insert Caribbean / Mediterranean resort] ? (That'll show Johnnie Foreigner who is the boss when it comes to super soaraway scorchers!) Tick!

- Have some Page Three girls been wheeled out to perform some wacky stunt in the sun for the benefit of the hardworking lads of the world? Tick! (go here)

ha ha - it's so predictable but still gives me as much joy as in previous years....Go the Sun! ha ha

Middle East Crisis? No Comment

2006-07-20T16:09:00.000+10:00

I've been wondering if I should post a blog about the Middle East crisis but have kept hesitating since I simply don't know enough about the situation to comment with any sense of logic or reason.

I am also baffled by the black and white views espoused by the left and right - that either Israel is a peace loving guardian angel who is being attacked by evil men all around her OR that Israel is the devil incarnate and those fighting her are fearless, brave, freedom fighters. Both views to me seem prepostorous - surely neither 'side' is blameless in any of this?

Anyway, I came across this Matthew Parris article in the Times today and it perfectly sums up my feelings on the issue. Go Matthew!

A COLUMNIST without an opinion is a pitiful thing, like a windsurfer without wind. As the Israeli bombardment of Gaza and now Lebanon has intensified, I have wondered whether holding forth on every subject but this might look feeble — though Heaven knows the world is not short of ranters on the Middle East. But when I try to compose my thoughts, the resolution to write keeps slipping: doubly undermined.
First from a feeling of boredom. The boredom arises from neither carelessness nor apathy, but the quiet anger we may feel when a subject is endlessly and passionately debated by disputants who are unlikely to change their minds and — if the truth be known — mentally armoured against opposing thoughts. The rest of us wish we could walk away.
This conflict has flickered and flared across the daily news through most of my adult life, and I have sometimes wondered whether it will be viewed by future historians rather as the ancient battles over the Corn Laws or Catholic Emancipation are now seen: intrinsically important issues of vast consequence for some, but where even the uninvolved took sides with a passion that succeeding ages have found hard to share. I have even wondered whether, if we in Europe could agree to take no further notice of the story (as we have taken no notice, for instance, of the uncounted dead in the conflict in Congo) it would make matters any worse.
The second is a desperately tricky thing to express. I steer clear because I have too many friends who are Jews whose feelings I don’t want to hurt. You will wish to remind me that to be Jewish is not to be a supporter of everything (or anything) the state of Israel does, and of course that’s true. You will point out that among the harshest critics of Israeli policy are Israeli and Jewish voices, and of course that’s true too. But it’s a personal observation which one cannot just brush aside that, on this, those who are Jewish tend to have much stronger feelings than others, and that they are overwhelmingly if not universally sympathetic to the Israeli cause, more inclined than most to justify the actions of Israel, and prone to feeling personally wounded if one disagrees. Such feelings inhabit some of the people I like and respect best in my life.
The problem is that I cannot agree with them. The past 40 years have been a catastrophe, gradual and incremental, for world Jewry. Seldom in history have the name and reputation of a human grouping lost so vast a store of support and sympathy so fast. My opinion — held not passionately but with little personal doubt — is that there is no point in arguing about whether the state of Israel should have been established where and when it was because it has become a fact. To try to remove it now would be at least as great an injustice as the one originally done to the Palestinians. But Israel’s best and perhaps only security for the future would be to rest upon a settlement that everyone the whole world over — everyone but the anti-Zionist fanatics — could see was reasonable. There would need to be no room left for argument. Then Israel would be able to feel confident of the full-hearted support not just of governments but of their peoples.
That settlement has to be a return to her pre-1967 boundaries. Precisely because Israel is by no means forced to make so generous a move, the international support (even love) this would generate would secure her future permanently. It would bring her back within the pale.
Sadly, nations and individuals tend, by moving only when forced and never quite far enough, to keep resentments burning which, by going the extra mile, it lies within their power to extinguish.

The truth hurts

2006-07-18T16:24:00.000+10:00

The fallout from a South Australian Democrat MP telling the truth about the club scene continues.

Truly pathetic.

Blogger's block

2006-07-18T16:07:00.000+10:00

I haven't posted for over a week now. I know, I know.

It's not as if there hasn't been anything going on. There is apparently some small disturbance occurring in the Middle East at the moment and in Australia, Peter and John got all worked up about who is going to lead the Liberal Party into the next election. For some reason I have not felt the need to comment on either. The Middle East thing is frankly too damn complicated for me to comment on - my rather quaint view is that all the protagonists there are cunts. But I'm not sure what value that adds to the debate.

As for the Peter and John ding dong it's obvious to me that Johnnie is clearly going to stay on for the next election and Peter has probably blown his chance of ever becoming Liberal leader. But that's just pointing out the obvious surely?

Mmmm...I will post something properly tomorrow - this period of inaction cannot continue. I think I can count on one hand the amount of times when I've had nothing to say (in fact it's once - this time) . I'm sure I will bounce back...

For now I'll leave you with my favourite lyrics of the moment from the slightly bonkers 'Underwear goes inside the pants' tune by Lazyboy...

We’re in one of the richest countries in the world,
an and the minimum wage is lower than it was thirty five years ago.
There are homeless people everywhere.
This homeless guy asked me for money the other day.
I was about to give it to him and then I thought he was going to use it on drugs or alcohol.
And then I thought, that’s what I’m going to use it on.
Why am I judging this poor bastard.
People love to judge homeless guys. Like if you give them money they’re just going to waste it hes gonna waste the money.
Well, he lives in a box, what do you want him to do? Save it up and buy a wall unit?
Take a little run to the store for a throw rug and a CD rack? He’s homeless.
I walked behind this guy the other day.
A homeless guy asked him for money.
He looks right at the homeless guy and says why don’t you go get a job you bum.
People always say that to homeless guys like it's always that easy.
This homeless guy was wearing his underwear outside his pants.
Outside his pants. I’m guessing his resume isn’t all up to date.
I’m predicting some problems during the interview process.
I’m pretty sure even McDonalds has a “underwear goes inside the pants” policy.
Not that they enforce it really strictly, but technically I’m sure it is on the books.

How very very true.

All over the shop

2006-07-07T12:46:00.000+10:00

Brendan O'Neill has written one of the most ridiculous blogs I've read in some time on today's Guardian Comment is Free site.

As a way of background, Brendan is a member of the deeply suspect Living Marxism sect details of which can be found here, here and here.

Brendan today writes about the cancellation of a concert in Brighton, UK due to be performed by the Jamaican reggae artist Buju Banton. This has given Brendan an excuse, like he ever needs one, to rant and rave against the liberal left which he claims is hypocritical and racist.

The reason the gig was cancelled was because of protests from gay rights groups about the hateful anti-gay lyrics that are contained in Banton's work (and in many songs performed by Jamaican performers.) These aren't just anti-gay but actually encourage people to go out and harm homosexuals. Banton himself was charged in 2005 with gay bashing (and acquitted after a botched police investigation).

Now, we can have a debate about how far free speech should be extended and whether people like Banton have a right to air such views in a public concert. That's a fine debate to have.

But Brendan, being Brendan, can't help using the whole episode as an excuse to attack the liberal left. According to him the real reason white liberal (for some reason he associates liberalism with being white) people wish to see these performances stop is because they are racist. They believe that young black music fans are 'a potentially excitable horde whose access to inflammatory material must be restricted by the authorities.'

It is interesting to see how Brendan is injecting a racial element to this when he has absolutely no evidence at all to suggest it is true - all that is guiding him is his pathological hatred of the liberal left. In fact I think this theory exposes his own ingrained prejudices towards black people. This has nothing to do with the fact that the reggae scene is 'black', if these songs were bought by exclusively white people there would still be a valid argument made by the 'liberal left' against them.

The really ridiculous thing about his article though is that he tries to draw a parallel between the left's attempt to clamp down on anti-gay performers and their opposition to religious hatred laws. The two things though are not comparable and Brendan knows it full well. He states that liberals like Rowan Atkinson and Joan Bakewell were against the religious hatred laws - and yes they were. They were concerned, rightly in my opinion, that the law would prevent people from insulting someone's religious beliefs or mocking them. None of the terms in the shoddy bill were defined and so it had the real potential to end free religious debate in the UK. There are a couple of important points to make here:

1) There is no contradiction at all between wanting to prevent a law that may have criminalised valid criticism and comic parody of religion and wanting to clamp down on entertainers that espouse the murder of gays. If a singer produced songs that advocated the killing of Muslims then I somehow doubt that the 'liberal left' would be rallying to their defence. The point is that it's fine for people to criticize homosexuals but when they start to incite hatred and violence towards them it really is on a different level. The liberal argument against the Religious Hatred bill wasn't that it sought to criminalize inciting hatred but because it was an attempt to prevent critical discourse about religious belief. The Religious Hatred bill sought to criminalize 'insulting' religion - the term 'insulting' was left undefined. The liberal objectors to the bill did make clear that if this was removed and the bill was more tightly drafted to just cover incitement to hatred and violence against religious people then this would have been acceptable. Banton has expressed the desire to douse gays in acid, that's not an 'insult', that's threatening behaviour and incitement to violence which is illegal in all decent societies.

2) How does Brendan know that just because the likes of Rowan Atkinson and Joan Bakewell protested against the religious hatred laws that they are also for preventing homophobic reggae singers performing in the UK? Has he asked them? Or is he just stupidly suggesting that all liberal people have exactly the same views on each subject?

I had no firm opinion on whether these performers should be banned from performing in public. Then I thought about if a singer was due to perform in a concert in which they advocated killing all black people or dousing Jews in acid . Would they be banned from performing public concerts? Of course they would and I would agree with such a decision. Why is vitriol against gays deemed less bad?

No country in the world has pure free speech. The debate to be had is how free the speech should be - that's a debate worth having. I think that Western countries probably have it about right. But Brendan is not seriously interested in having this debate. He is only interested in creating straw man arguments so he can rant about the 'liberal left'.

What a cunt.

MP in nightclub shocker!

2006-07-06T16:45:00.000+10:00

South Australian Democrat MP Sandra Kank did a remarkable thing recently. Rather than believe the fountain of lies and distortion regarding the nightclub scene, she thought she'd go along and take a look at it herself. Rather than seeing ghoulish drug fucked freaks trying to murder & rape people whilst simultaneously trying not to collapse from double dropping she saw a bunch of people having fun and dancing to music (although the former scene is of course seen at hard house clubs across the world on a weekly basis). She said she learned that 'there are a lot of happy people [at dance parties]' and that if she had the choice of going to the pub or going to a club she'd 'go to the rave party every time'. Brilliant!

Of course this small slice of reality about drug use in the political world went down like Grossi in an Australian penalty area and the South Australian health minister John Hill said 'if people want to know about the impacts drugs have they should go to some of our emergency departments Saturday nights and they should go to mental health institutions as well'. I'm sure if she had visited a hospital her assertion about preferring clubs to pubs would have been confirmed as there would have been many many more people there seeking treatment for alcohol related injuries/diseases than there would be people affected by drug usage.

In fairness the Education Minister did sound more sympathetic to the MPs adventure saying ' I think it's always a good idea to find out what it's actually about and get the facts'. Indeed.

If only more MPs were prepared to do this. I can see it now. Peter Costello up on the podium, shirt ripped off, reaching for the lasers. Little Johnnie Hunt scurrying around trying to score some drugs. Tony Abbott gurning at the front waving his glowsticks around. Maybe even Amanda Vanstone could be there - the fat girl that is a bit *too* sweaty and that everyone avoids standing next to on the dancefloor. Ah, just imagine....

The Beeb doing what the beeb does best

2006-07-06T12:41:00.000+10:00

Oh how I've missed the BBC coverage of this world cup. I'm sure I'd have been sobbing (like I did at World Cup 1998) if I had seen this just after the match had finished on Saturday.

HT: Andrew Sullivan

Revolting!

2006-07-04T16:23:00.000+10:00

The moral outrage over the Big Brother 'incident' is getting louder and louder.

Little Johnnie Hunt has joined the chorus of 'middle Australia' and has called for the program to be axed. Of course a man who lied about refugees throwing their children off boats knows all about upholding fine moral standards.

Yes, the incident (rather amusingly known as 'Turkey Slapping') was unpleasant but the Big Brother producers took the right action and evicted the boys involved. What else were they meant to do? No criminal charges are being laid on the boys and Camilla herself has said that it was just a joke that got a little out of control and as soon as she asked them to stop, they did. I'm not trying to excuse what they did but let's not blow this out of proportion eh?

The best quote so far comes from Queensland Premier Peter Beattie when asked if he believed the program should be taken off air:

'Look, we have so much American crap on our television I think a bit of Australian nonsense doesn't do any harm, frankly.'

Quite.

The Age

2006-07-03T16:37:00.000+10:00

The Age's inferiority complex regarding AFL reaches new heights of ridiculousness in this front page article.

A few days ago the Age were printing 5am specials celebrating Australia's wins in the 'soccer' world cup now they are doing the very predictable 'we only watched it because there was no AFL on' rubbish.

Just because football is the most popular and most watched sport in the world does not mean the tiny niche sport of AFL is threatened. They can both co-exist perfectly well, even in Melbourne. Articles as pathetic as this only show up the inherent insecurity of the AFL journalists of the Melbourne press - as does the name of the mini site on which this article is hosted, 'realfooty.com' and indeed the headline of the article itself: "'our' football returns".

63,000 people turned up to watch Collingwood V Richmond on the weekend. The sport is very popular (in Melbourne) and deservedly so - it has a rich history and is followed passionately by millions. About that number stayed up till 3am and braved the cold to watch Australia V Italy on big screens across Australia. Just because one is hogging the headlines does not mean the other is 'threatened'. We all know that Melburnians love their footy, we've been told a billion times. Enough already.

England are out.

2006-07-03T16:26:00.000+10:00

ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

No more. Not again. Not like this.

Against my better judgment I was cautiously optimistic – Portugal didn’t look that great, they had key players missing and Rooney was getting into his stride for England. All of the teams left in the tournament looked beatable. It was possible, I hoped. And as I said in my previous blog, it’s always the hope that kills you – and killing me it is.

I’m sure everything that needs to be said about the game has been said – England put in a ‘gutsy’ passionate performance that ‘deserved’ a goal whilst the Portuguese played a cynical, underhand and negative game to force a penalty shoot out. Whilst that’s the favoured view no doubt of the News of the World etc it does hide the severe shortcomings of England’s failure at the World Cup.

England were utterly woeful in their first 4 matches and won purely due to the poor opposition. The first good team they came up against held them at bay with relative ease and once it went to penalties they had no chance of winning it. It’s clear that we are never going to win a penalty shoot out again (unless it’s against Spain!) and so I hope that if McClaren ever finds himself in a situation where England are 10 minutes away from going to a penalty shoot out he throws caution to the wind and changes things so that England really try and win in extra time. Don’t bring on a defender to take penalties, as Sven did with Carragher, bring on two more strikers and try and win the game before it gets to the dreaded 12 yard kicks.

But England didn’t go out of this World Cup due to our inability to take penalties. We went out because our supremely talented players were utterly mismanaged by a man who was making it up as he went along. He deserves the blame for this debacle and the FA should be ashamed that he has collected £25million and has simply not delivered – nowhere near.

I felt very deflated after the match but the grimness of it all only really sank in when I woke up, slightly hungover, the next day. My brain appeared to have been replaced by an internal DVD player which was stuck on a loop replaying the missed penalty kicks over and over and over again. I literally thought of nothing else all day. I felt numb and physically sick at times. Of course I spent the day trying to take my mind off it by pouring over every single word written about it in the English press. The post mortem of the game. The Wife kept telling me to stop but I couldn’t – it’s all part of the mourning process, it’s a necessary catharsis.

Today I’m feeling a bit better but it’s still there, painful, right in the guts. The pain will dull over the next few weeks of course and I can start looking forward to it happening all over again in Switzerland & Austria in 2008. That’s if we get there of course and with McClaren in charge that’s by no means certain.

These are dark days for an English football fan. The Sunday Express summed it up in their simple front page headline:

‘It’s the end of the world.’

And so it begins....

2006-06-30T12:43:00.000+10:00

It's begun.

The low level feeling of uneasiness that has been apparent in me for the last few days has now morphed into an all encompassing queasiness - my legs are shaking, my stomach is tied up in knots, I'm chewing pen lids like there is no tomorrow. It's that familiar feeling I get every two years when England start reaching the higher stages of the World Cup or European Championships.

I've ranted and raved about the way England have played so far but now I really don't care how we play - winning the next three games is all that matters and if we have to do that playing like Watford then so be it. Greece did it in 2004 after all.

I think by this time tomorrow I will be found gazing at a pack of Malboro Lights in a newsagent seriously considering taking up the habit again just to stop my body going into uncontrollable spasms of nervousness and excitement.

This is it. The business end of the tournament. The bit that really matters, that really hurts. When not even a cuddle from your mum can make it alright.

But I'm ready, I'm ready to cry tears of bitter disappointment once more, ready to curse Ericsson, ready to feel hollow for the next month. I'm prepared.

Fuck, who am I kidding? I'm not ready at all. I'm all over the shop. Why? Because no matter how many times it's happened before there's still an optimist in me - still some hope that we can do it this time. The hope is always what kills you. Always.

So let's hope that this year is the year when our dreams can be realised. At last.

Come on England!

Britney! Naked! At Last!

2006-06-29T16:26:00.000+10:00

Finally! A nude Britney photo!! I've been waiting for this for years. But goddamn it she had to have it done whilst pregnant didn't she? Some men find pregnant women attractive but the only benefit of it as far as I am concerned is that it makes the breasts grow and I must say that Britney's do look fandabbydozzy in this picture. I also like the hair colour as well - adds a bit of class innit?

The wife remarked that it looks like she has lost weight but I reckon that's down to clever airbrushing. Gotta love those air brushes! I call for a whole lot more airbrushing and a whole lot less reality when it comes to my Britney. Let me keep living the dream eh?

World Cup Round Up

2006-06-28T17:05:00.000+10:00

So, that's the 2nd round of the World Cup over and done with and I have to say it was a fairly disappointing round for football fans. Many matches finished up 1-0 and we saw very little of the creativity and attacking flair that was present in the group stage - I guess the stakes have risen considerably now and so teams are naturally more cautious. I was sad to see Ghana and Spain go out after they had contributed so much already to the tournament.

Where do I stand on my predictions? Well, half of them have fallen over. Australia didn't make the quarter finals & Italy got through their group. Still looks possible that we'll have a Germany V England final and I reckon if England can get past Portugal then Brazil will be beaten by us, they are too lax at the back in my opinion. Maybe it's destiny that 40 years on from 1966 a Germany and England final is on the cards!

The fallout from the Australia v Italy game continues with some ludicrous columns in today's press. Firstly, the LA Times reckons it was all a FIFA conspiracy to get Australia out of the tournament (and like all conspiracy theories does not any evidence for it whatsoever) and predictably The Age publishes a 'soccer is a stupid game anyway' piece. Funny how it wasn't a stupid game a few days ago eh?

The guy who writes the piece does have a few good points but his lack of knowledge of the game is there for all to see. Just because there has been some dodgy refereeing in this tournament does not mean the sport itself is a bad one. It simply means that the officiating of the game should be reformed and video technology introduced. That would see the end of the cynical game that the Italians & others play. Football is not without it's faults, what game is, but I guarantee that if Australia had been granted a penalty like that there would be no complaints at all and the author of the piece is gracious enough to admit this in his last sentence...

Australia are out!

2006-06-27T12:37:00.000+10:00

Myself, the wife, and friends joined 25,000 other people and watched the Australia V Italy game in the centre of Melbourne yesterday. My observations on the match:

- Australia ultimately suffered due to their lack of class upfront. Viduka is a good battler but he's not the kind of player that is going to open up a well organised Italian defence. Without Kewell, Australia just lacked that special something and for all their possession they had very few chances.

- Australia were certainly the most entertaining team but I'm not sure they were the 'best' team. Italy looked a lot sharper going forward and had more clear cut chances than Australia. When they had a man (wrongly) dismisseed they reorganised and defended superbly. Yes, it was not pretty but it was very effective.

- The penalty at the end was dubious but it definitely wasn't a clear cut decision for the ref to make. However, I do believe that with 8 seconds to go the Ref should give the defending team the benefit of the doubt unless the foul was blatant.

- Australia should be proud of their country's achievement in this tournament. They've played really good football with a load of passion and have put themselves on the world stage.

As for England against Ecuador - well we scraped through again. That's all I'll say. Let's hope we raise our game against Portugal.

Australia are through

2006-06-23T13:58:00.000+10:00

I must admit, as an Englishman, my feelings about the prospect of Australia doing well in the World Cup were slightly mixed. I would like football to get bigger here for sure and for the standard of the A League to improve; Australia doing well in the World Cup will surely help this. But there was still a part of me, unable to escape that age old Aussie V Pom rivalry, that simply wanted them to get walloped. But I must say that this desire has been completely vanquished since the tournament started. Why? Because they are playing the kind of football I really like - pacy, direct, passionate, committed football. Exactly the kind of football that England should be playing.

Maybe Sven could go along and take notes at the Australia V Italy match? He'd see something called 'passing' happening. Yes 'passing', spelt 'P A S S I N G'. It's when one player gets the ball and kicks it to another of his team mates. Strange huh? What Sven will also notice is that the ball travels along the floor in the majority of these 'passes'. It isn't continually twatted 60ft into the air in the vain hope that some lanky cunt at the other end of the field can get his head it.

Another phenomena Sven may detect is what the Aussies call 'passion'. This is something that has been AWOL from the England team since 1996 but basically refers to a deep seated desperate desire to win. That's 'W I N', Sven. Other novelties he will see in action include 'self belief', 'pace' and the most important one, 'good management'. Make sure you write that last one down eh Sven and study it carefully.

Anyway, onto Australia who were excellent against the Croats this morning. The match encapsulated for me everything that is great about football - the drama, the unbearable tension, the release of passion and of course the shit refereeing. What the fuck was Graham Poll doing? Had he decided before hand to unilaterally change the rules of the game?

'Well, I was looking through the rule book and I thought to myself why not give players 3 yellow cards before I demand they are sent off? I mean come on, it's time to shake this game up! I'll try it out at some tinpot tournament where the results don't matter.'

What would have happened had the Croatian who should have been sent off (as he had collected 2 yellows) scored? Would the goal have stood? If it had stood then would the result of the match been allowed to stand or would it have been replayed? Shambles.

Poll also missed two blatant penalties for Australia including a handball offence by the Croats which was identical to the one they committed in the first half and which was punished by Poll with a penalty to Australia.

But the most laughable of all his errors was blowing the whistle for full time as the ball crossed the Croat goal line (from a Tim Cahill shot). Yes, he blew the whistle mid shot. Simply unbelievable. Australia should have won that match 3-2 but the records will always show a 2-2 draw.

Luckily, Australia went through anyway as a score draw was enough but just imagine if they hadn't. How much longer can FIFA resist in introducing instant video replays to assist in refereeing decisions? When fuckwits like Graham Poll are refereeing then the game can (and did) turn into a farce. The referee should never be the story of the game!

Anyway, onto the next round for Australia and they're up against the cunting Italians - my most loathed international side without doubt. So once I again I'll be supporting the Sheilaroos and I quite fancy putting a bet them to reach the semi finals - after all, their potential quarter final opponents, should they get past Italy, will be either Switzerland or Ukraine.

Meanwhile, I'll be asking my money back for my bet England and will desperately hope that Sven does take notes at the next Australia match and passes them onto his successor, Steve McClaren.

Wanting England to play like Australia in the football. What the fuck is going ?

It's all Labor's fault!

2006-06-23T10:54:00.000+10:00

I won't go on about this because frankly I am too tired to. But I did notice an incredible editorial in yesterdays Australian. It talks about the Government's proposed changes to parliamentary procedures which will mean that oversight of it's legislation will be reduced. Now The Australian rightly thinks that these changes are bad for Australian democracy, which they are. But guess who they apportion blame to? Howard? No, don't be silly. The Liberal Party, yes slightly. But of course the real villians are Labor! Honestly, you couldn't make this stuff up. Choice quote:

'The major obstacle to the Senate carrying out its review role is less Senator Minchin's planned cuts than that the Howard Government controls both houses of parliament. That it does so can be sheeted home to Mark Latham's disastrous leadership of the Labor Party at the 2004 poll. If John Howard is in a position to steamroll legislation through the Senate, the ALP must accept much of the blame. The fact that non-government parties form the Senate minority means they lack the numbers to set up select inquiries into matters of national concern.'

Simply unbelievable. I need say no more.

Poverty Wage

2006-06-22T15:45:00.000+10:00

A proposed minimum wage rise in the US has been voted down by the Republicans.

The current minimum wage in the US is $5.15 which is £2.79 OR AUD$6.95!!!

What a sad indictment of the state of US society that is.

Reason to be cheerful

2006-06-22T13:03:00.000+10:00

It looks as if the liberal wing of the Liberal Party has won the day over Howard's proposed capitulation to Indonesia.

Hurrah!

Anti Porn

2006-06-22T12:55:00.000+10:00

Look's like the Government has been rummaging around the back of it's sofa for small change again as it has found a whopping $116 million to spend on anti-porn filters to 'protect' children from the evils of internet pornography.

Surely if people want the internet in their homes it is their responsibility to buy filters if they are worried about their children logging onto www.bangmyass.com ? Why should I have to pay for this addition to their IT set up? Once again the government is subsidising services that should be paid for by the individual while things like education and health are left wanting. Hey, my future child may have debts of $30K leaving uni but at least they never saw Silva Saint take one up the shitter! Thank you John Howard for helping the moral fortitude of the nation once again.

2006-06-22T12:07:00.000+10:00

Sherman Yellen, of the Huffington Post, writes about Bush's anti gay marriage stance.